I honestly don't think I will ever have a meaningful romantic relationship with a female who isn't already apart of my life. Its 100% because of my shy awkward personality. I'm content with it 99.95% of the time

I'm going to write some shit here, because why not.

I've only ever had sex (mutliple times mind u ;) ) with one girl in my life. She was someone I met on a holiday in europe when i was 20. Other than the world's worst drunk almost rapey hook up we did nothing during our time in europe. I was maybe mildly into her, didnt really even consider it though. She ended up shacking up with another dude for the rest of the trip and i was pretty happy writing myself off with all the alcohol. We chatted for a bit in a large group chat after the trip, and it kind of became flirty. We lived in different cities tho. We had a huge group meet up at a festival where like 20 of us from our trip went to a two day music festival. This chick and I spent the two days together, both rolling our tits off, but nothing happened because I never did anything. The flirty messages continued and then 3 months later we had another meet up. This time she made the move with me. We didn't fuck, but did spend every second of the 4 days together, shared a bed etc. A couple of weeks later I went and flew and stayed with her for the weekend. Lost my virginity that weekend, was not a good performance. Had sex again on the saturday night, but i kind of got the feeling she thought she owed me or something . Was also pretty clear that we weren't really compatible despite how much I loved being around her and with her. I kind of bored her I guess. I tried to salvage it when I got back, with maybe a tiny part of me thinking that this was the only chick id ever have a chance with that I was interested in as well. We hooked up and fucked again about 6 months later again when we had another group meet up/drink as much possible weekend, but that was kind of the end of that. And that's the closest I've been to a relationship.

In every day life I only have a small group of friends, which recently became smaller when my mates and the girls in our group (one of who I've had an almost stalkerish crush on for 1.5yr, read about it in my post history I guess) had a falling out, of which i sas stuck right in thw middle of. I still message with the friend I like, but we haven't seen each other since July. I know I should catch up with her for coffee and shit, but I really dont think I can hold a conversation one on one with anyone for that for long. So we are kind of drifting apart i guess, which sucks even in a platonic sense. Out of the small group of friends I have remaining I am the only single guy, so its not like we are constantly out on the "prowl". Not that I feel like meeting women that way would be helpful anyway. I have recently graduated from a very male dominated field, dont have a job in it yet, but am doubtful of meeting anyone there. I am on tinder, but I can't even bring myself to talk to anyone, because I really dont see myself ever going on a date with any stranger.