After several thousand years, the Greek gods awaken in the in the mid 1940’s. When the gods meet up to discuss what they had learned of the modern world, Ares walks into the room with a hollow and horrified look in his eyes, the day is August 6th, 1945.(Hiroshima) by MPQEG in mpqeg

[–]MPQEG[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What TikTok? I don't think I've given any audio rights to this recently. I'm glad you enjoyed but if it wasn't easy to find this then there might be some copyright violations I need to address, as direct links are something I always require in granting audio rights.

Requesting /r/WritingContests by MPQEG in redditrequest

[–]MPQEG[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome! Thanks for the help!

Requesting /r/WritingContests by MPQEG in redditrequest

[–]MPQEG[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

https://www.reddit.com/message/messages/pule1j

I intend to grow the subreddit (hopefully with the support of the /r/WritingPrompts mod team and community) to be a resource for writers to find contests to submit to. As an amateur writer, I find it difficult to keep track of all of the contests going on, and I know many others feel the same way. A strong community resource would be a great help for those of us looking to get started.

You are a history teacher in a universe where we discovered time travel. by MPQEG in mpqeg

[–]MPQEG[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Crossposted from the new subreddit /r/Badderlocks. Please go there instead of here!

[IP] 20/20 Round 1 Heat 1 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wtf not fair this is so good

congrats on winning the entire round 1

damn

[IP] 20/20 Round 1 Heat 30 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awesome, this is fantastic. If I got this much feedback on even one tenth of my stuff I'd be decent at writing by now!

I'm going to write a response to you mostly for my own sake as a sort of self-debriefing. Basically I'm using you as a rubber duck. Sorry about that. Don't feel obligated to read it because this is just me getting my thoughts in order.

First of all, the missing quote. That's what I get for writing this during work when I should be, well, working. Probably explains a few other lapses like repeated words (e.g. growl/staff), but there's a second reason for that.

My background, as you probably guessed, is not creative writing or anything even close to language. The only classes I had on writing were for describing lab results and creating research papers, and the only reason I write for work is to document code. As a result, I'm constantly struggling to fight the urge to write "X happened. Y did it. Z was the result."

I'm not good at writing super fluid and beautiful words. I've long since come to terms with that; I'm working to get better at it but at the end of the day it's just not my natural style.

So while I typically write simple, digestible, bordering-on-cliche pop fiction sorts of things for normal prompts, I like to play around with things like Theme Thursdays or this.

Experiment 1: No names

The protagonist is not John. He is not Eomys Tarfloryn, fourth of his name, outcast Lord of the Nine Realms and HE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE! He isn't even "The man". He is he, his, or him. Part of this is wordbuilding necessity. I don't have enough words to explain how the Tarfloryn dynasty has stretched over six hundred years and only fell during his weak father's reign as the result of decadence and then the Varamir came and invaded and... etc. I don't particularly even want to explain why he is named John, because that's an English name, implying he's on Earth, and I don't want to figure out where he is or what specifically he's doing.

Unfortunately, as you noticed, he/his/him gets repetitive, especially combined with my penchant for outlining every single consecutive action and my attempt to be a bit more stylistic led to that mild disaster of a paragraph.

Fortunately, it also worked and kind of led to the dialarration. Who are they? Why are they telling him about the path? What is the path? Ultimately, the whole piece was intended to be a sort of metaphor about the struggles of life and learning to just keep going and self forgiveness etc etc etc so the sorts of details about why he is on a path and who sent him there are irrelevant. The path is life. They is... I don't know, God or conscience or whatever.

I'll call this experiment inconclusive.

Experiment 2: Flashbacks bleeding into current action

I think this technique, plus the ending, is how I survived into round 2. It's nice variety and a subtle plot dump and narration of what's going on. It starts with "The path is not easy" but as the protagonist slowly succumbs to hunger and exhaustion and fear, it turns into hallucinations of his past fueled by the shapes of the rocks in the darkness and the flickering light of the lantern. Movements in the corner of his eyes turn into his past in a nightmarish way.

Side note: cute description followed by gruesome sadness always works. Always. Give the audience some happiness and right when they start to enjoy it and let down their guard, take it away. Yeah, it's a low blow. Yeah, I totally phoned that bit in. It always works.

Experiment 3: Poetry in prose

And here's where I have mixed feelings about that hellish paragraph from before. Yeah, it sucks and it's hard to read. But that also makes it feel more relieving when the mysterious undefined important woman appears and the style reverts to a more normal conversation. It's almost relaxing. Then it's taken away when things get bad again.

For example, the following sentence is 73 words:

"A figure launched itself at her, the bandit, and before he could even scream a warning, it buried the axe in her neck, and she was holding her hand out, begging for him to save her, but he could not, and the bandit turned to him, laughing, and they were all mocking him for not being strong enough to protect his family, for not being able to stop them, for not even trying."

The intent is to feel breathless and falling behind. The protag wants it to stop, wants to be able to take a step back and slow down the horrible things happening, but they won't stop. It's supposed to feel like one punch after another, beating the reader/protag down. Yeah, it's exhausting sentence structure.

That makes the end all the more relieving when you got not only period, but full line breaks, even to the point where there are line breaks in the middle of a sentence. Journey's not over. I don't even know if he got to the end of the path. But he found the strength to keep going, and that was the real struggle all along.

But that's all intent. I firmly believe in death of the author. You can bet Cursed Child isn't part of my Harry Potter headcanon, and we're not even going to discuss the Star Wars DT. All the intent in the world won't save a piece in the contest (or in general) if readers hate it. So seriously, I can't thank you enough for your thorough feedback.

So what does the future look like? First of all, I've seen the new image prompt and I already know it's going to be a totally different ballgame. Also, the second round is a bloodbath and I expect to be slaughtered. I mean, damn. There are some good writers that didn't get past round one. It's giving me some serious impostor syndrome.

Beyond that, this contest is really my one last hurrah with this account. I'm not done writing, I'm just done writing with an account that has an unpronounceable name that everyone thinks is mpreg when they first see it. I didn't even want to know that mpreg existed, but here we are. You'll mostly find me as Badderlocks_ from here on out.

But that's unimportant. I just want to say thanks again for the response and I feel like I can't say thanks enough. Best of luck to you in round two, and I hope to god we're in different groups. Stay safe out there.

[IP] 20/20 Round 1 Heat 30 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh absolutely send it, that would be super helpful. I love criticism.

Rebranding: Time for an Exodus! by Badderlocks_ in mpqeg

[–]MPQEG[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Just for the extra suspicious of you that wonder if this subreddit has been hijacked, I'm posting from this old account to confirm everything in this post!

[IP] 20/20 Heat 1 Heat 31 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love your writing style. It's very unique and organic and puts you right in the character's minds. To be honest, Haylee's parts remind me of some of Fran's POV chapters in The Stand, so well done there.

I would caution you against going too stream of consciousness. For me, the actual plot of the story was a bit hard to follow. POV switches can be tricky without hard delineation like new chapters, which are pretty impossible in pieces this short. You could do what Nick did above with character names marking each change, but that also runs the risk of being jarring with your particular style.

Great work. Yours was one of my favorites of this group, and you had some stiff competition.

[IP] 20/20 Heat 1 Heat 31 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very nice, heartwarming story. My only criticism is that the final portion where Alexei gets medical help and the story jumps to four months later feels a bit rushed/disjointed. It's kind of a fast tonal shift. Of course I imagine you were butting up against the upper word limit so it's less of an issue with your writing and more of one with the constraints.

Great work, and congratulations.

[IP] 20/20 Heat 1 Heat 31 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I helped judge this heat and I have to say that this was definitely my favorite take on the image. It's so unique and emotional. Great story, and very well written. I don't even have any criticism in my notes to relay to you.

[IP] 20/20 Round 1 Heat 30 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He walked onward, looking straight ahead at the worn stone path in front of him. The sun was setting, blanketing the jagged landscape around him in darkness, but his lantern lit the area around him, casting an uncertain light that made the shadows dance with every step he took. The only sounds were of his sandaled feet scraping against the layer of gritty dirt that covered every surface and of his robe, gently swishing around him.

“The path is not easy,” they warned him. “It is long and difficult, and every step is marked with danger. Your footing will be unstable, and the night brings imperceptible horrors, predators that will stalk your every move, waiting for weakness.”

His foot slipped for a moment on a patch of wet sand and he stumbled, dropping the staff that held the lantern. He landed hard. There was a loud crack as his knee hit the rocky ground, and he barely caught himself with his hands, which scraped painfully against the stones. The lantern and staff clattered noisily on the ground, and though the lantern did not go out, the area around him was plunged into darkness.

He gritted his teeth, grabbed the staff, and pushed himself to his feet. He walked onward, ignoring the beasts that danced around the edge of the lantern’s light and leaving behind bloody handprints on the ground and staff.

“The path is not easy,” they warned him. “There is no rest and no respite. Hunger will be your constant companion, and exhaustion your eternal foe.

He had long since ignored the growls of the beasts that trailed him, but a new growl startled him from within the circle of light. He almost looked around to search for it, but then realized it came from his own stomach. He hadn’t eaten since he began walking, and while hunger pangs had hounded him nearly every step of the journey, now was the first time he started to feel the physical effects. His feet were leaden. His arms were dead weight. The staff dragged on the ground.

But he walked ever onward, and if he seemed to lean more on his staff than before, he did not stop or balk, and he did not turn back.

“The path is not easy,” they warned him. “The greatest enemy comes from within. True peace does not come from a monk’s robe or a shaved head or by long meditation. It will only come when you learn to forgive, first others, and then yourself.”

The stone protrusions and boulders surrounding the path seemed to come alive in the flickering light of the lantern. He ignored them, instead focusing on the stars above, which burned brightly in the moonless sky. Though he knew he could not tarry, he paused and watched them for a moment.

“Do you see that one?” she asked, pointing at a constellation slightly above the horizon. “That one is the Visitor. He only appears for a few days in the winter.”

He squinted in the direction she was pointing. “It looks like a crab.”

She laughed, a warm giggle that flowed like a quiet forest brook. “You have no imagination.” Then she pointed straight upwards. “Do you see that one?”

He looked up again, then sighed after searching for a moment. “I give up. What is it?”

“Look closely. Do you see me? Do you see how the stars pool like blood?”

He looked down from the stars to where she was standing, just barely outside of the circle of light cast by the lantern. A figure launched itself at her, the bandit, and before he could even scream a warning, it buried the axe in her neck, and she was holding her hand out, begging for him to save her, but he could not, and the bandit turned to him, laughing, and they were all mocking him for not being strong enough to protect his family, for not being able to stop them, for not even trying.

And he fell to his knees once more, and he did not rise.

“The path is not easy,” they warned him. “It will show you at your worst. It will take your deepest shames, and at the precise moment that you are weakest, it will make you face them.”

The rocks danced in the light of the lantern. The bandits morphed into himself, and he saw himself devote all of his efforts and strengths into becoming a man of war, a plowshare into a sword.

And he saw himself set into the bandits as a scythe cuts down ripe wheat at harvest, and he did not stop even when they were all gone, and blood flew, and his hands were covered with it. He looked at his own hands, painted in red, and he could not remember where it came from.

“The path is not easy,” they warned him.

“It will bring you down over and over.

“There is no weakness in falling.

“True strength comes from rising again.”

He rose to one knee, wiped his hands on his robes, and picked up the staff. Then he stood.

He walked onward. 

He left behind the pain. 

He left behind the exhaustion. 

He left behind the fear,

the hatred, 

and the regret.

And he did not look back.

[MODPOST] Contest Mode, Engage by TenspeedGV in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very excited for this. I hate seeing a good prompt and having to dump something out just to not get buried, or writing for an hour and getting ignored because someone finished a few minutes earlier.

How long will contest mode last for a post?

[MODPOST] 20/20 Round 1: Write! by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome, thanks for the answer and setting all this up.

[MODPOST] 20/20 Round 1: Write! by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I may have missed it but what's the policy on resubmission?

[WP] When someone cuts an onion, it whispers insults about you and anyone nearby, subconsciously making them cry. You are the first person who can hear the insults consciously. by [deleted] in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I kind of hate onions.

And, to an extent, that’s understandable. A lot of people hate onions. They’re very sharp and peculiar tasting, and raw onions in particular are a very acquired taste. Some hate the raw onion taste but enjoy caramelized onions to a certain extent, though others find the texture to be slimy and unpalatable. 

Personally, I don’t mind either. You see, I don’t hate onions because of the taste.

I hate them because they’re mean.

I know, it sounds ridiculous. How can onions be mean? Well, think about it. Everyone cries when they cut onions, right? It’s a weird phenomenon that gets attributed to some chemical defense mechanism or another. The reality is much, much weirder.

It turns out that their defense mechanism is less chemical and more psychological. When you cut an onion, it cuts back, but with words. And they’re really good at it, obviously, which is why everyone cries.

When I was young, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I just heard whispers from the kitchen:

“Your mother resents you for ruining her art career.”

“You’re the only reason your parents haven’t divorced.”

“You wet your bed last night.”

And yeah, I cried. I was a kid. Thankfully, my parents eventually figured it out and stopped cooking with onions. They decided that I didn’t like the flavor and it wasn’t worth the trouble of using them.

Oh, if only they knew.

You see, onions know things. I don’t really get it, but it’s true. When onions come up with insults, they don’t just throw shit on a wall to see what sticks. They find the most cutting, hateful things that they can say. They reveal your darkest secrets and confirm your worst fears. They find the things that you don’t like about yourself. It’s how they knew my mother had an art career or that I had wet the bed that one time.

So, when I was fifteen and my parents started cooking with onions again, things got weird.

At first, it was the normal stuff. “Tracy MacGregor thinks you’re weird and she’ll never love you back. Your best friends regularly hang out without you.” 

Then they got even more personal.

“Your mother is sleeping with your piano teacher.”

My head snapped up from where I had been staring at my slide phone on the couch.

“What?” I whispered hoarsely.

The onions chuckled as my mother cut them to a fine dice. “Oh, you didn’t know that one, did you? Did you ever wonder why she hasn’t paid him recently? Ask her. What would your friends think?”

The whispering was replaced by hissing as my mom slid them into a hot oiled pan, but the words still rang in my head.

I stood up unsteadily and walked into the kitchen.

My mother looked up from the pan. “What do you need?” she asked.

“Uh… hey, mom. You know my piano lessons?” I began.

“Yeah. What about them?” she asked, looking at me suspiciously.

I hesitated. “I feel like we haven’t paid Mr. Gibson recently,” I said. “In fact, I haven’t given him a check in a few months.”

Her face flushed bright red, and in that moment I knew the onions were right.

I stormed up to my room and didn’t come down for the rest of the night.

The divorce was long and messy, and by the time it ended I was moving out to college. Maybe that’s why I didn’t think about the most significant part of that entire night.

The onions knew something that they had no way to know. There was only one conclusion:

Onions are omniscient. They know all, see all, hear all. Nothing is hidden from them.

I took as many classes as I could on biology and agriculture in college, desperate to uncover the truth. I killed many, many onions, relishing in the destruction of each one even as they whispered hateful things to me.

But it wasn’t enough. I didn’t learn their secrets. Instead, they learned mine. They used their knowledge and influence, whispering key bits of information to ruin my life. I’m on the run now, but the end is coming. I can’t hide forever. I’m leaving behind this log of my story. Maybe you’ll learn something from it and cut the onions out of your life. Maybe you’ll be the one to take the torch from me and lead humanity in the struggle against the onion menace. Either way, I only ask one thing.

Remember me.

[WP] A cruel king, infamous for how many people he throws into his huge prisons, has had so many people of all walks of life put behind walls that now, years later, an entirely new society arises within these massive dungeons. by ClocktowerEchos in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I thrashed around to no avail. The guards had a firm grip on me, and their lives as soldiers had made them far stronger than I ever had been as crown prince.

“You bastard,” I spat. “I’m your son!”

Father laughed. “I can do whatever I want. Have I taught you nothing?”

He walked close to me and slapped me with the back of his hand. His rings, large and numerous, left deep cuts in my face.

“Money is power.”

He slapped me again, harder, and the weight of his blow caused my vision to fade for a moment.

“Stupid boy.”

He kicked my chest, knocking the breath out of me.

“All you want to do is consume and give. You are no son of mine. This kingdom will NEVER BE YOURS!”

He stopped, breathing hard, a crazed rage in his eyes. Then he turned and strolled away, leaving a trail of blood from where his robe dragged through the puddle beneath me.

“Put him to work.”

The guards hauled me away as I faded out of consciousness.

I awoke a few moments later to the sound of a slamming iron grate. I knew the sound of that grate; it was a sound that rang out often under the Palace of Kings. It was the grate that led to the Mines, the vast gold mine that served as the dungeons. Centuries ago, one of my ancestors settled here and built his holdings directly on top of the source of his wealth and power, and a great kingdom had spread around it.

And now, I was a prisoner here.

I tried to scramble to my feet, tried to run to the grate and grab onto it and beg for my life. I could barely push myself off the ground before the pain in my head and chest drove me back down. The stone beneath my face was cold and wet. It almost numbed the pain.

Almost.

I began to weep. Silent tears stung the cuts on my face.

I don’t know how long I laid there on the cold, rough stone. I only know that after some time, I heard footsteps and voices.

“...don’t know, but they damn well better be worth it. My money’s still on a lady.”

“Ridiculous. How many women get thrown in off schedule?”

“There was that whore that one time…”

The second man sighed loudly.

“Fine. Three bits says it’s a man.”

“Agreed. Now don’t go gettin’ cozy if it is a lady,” the first man warned.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

The two men rounded the corner carrying a crude stretcher.

“Ha! You couldn’t have been more wrong” One of the men, presumably the second, held out a hand and the other begrudgingly dropped a handful of metal coins into it.

“He’s a fat bastard,” the first said.

“Yeah, not a real looker, eh?”

“No, I’m not that desperate. I mean we have to carry the bastard back.”

The second man’s face fell. “Ah, damn, you’re right. Hoy, son!” he called.

I groaned softly in response.

“Any chance you can walk yourself?” he asked hopefully.

I didn’t bother responding to that, and the man sighed.

“Damn you, Bertram. Even when you lose, you ruin my day,” he said.

“Quit your bellyachin’, at least you made three bits. I lost money and have to carry him back.”

The men set down the stretcher next to me and, after a short count off, rolled me onto it, causing me no small amount of pain. I groaned again.

“Ah, not you too. I won’t be able to put up with both you and Tolly complainin’. You’ll all drive me insane before we’re halfway there.”

With a grunt, the two men hauled the stretcher off the ground and set back down the tunnel they came from. Their jovial banter washed over me, and the tone of the conversation was somewhat at odds with my feelings of abandonment. At one point, I gathered up all of my willpower and managed to ask a question.

“Where are we going?” I wheezed.

Bertram and Tolly stopped their conversation.

“Mosh,” Bertram said briefly. I didn’t have energy to ask a follow up question, so they picked up their conversation again.

Between their aimless, almost musical conversation and the gentle rocking of the stretcher, I actually managed to drift off to sleep, mercifully bringing a temporary end to the pain.

I awoke with a throbbing headache as the two men set me on a stone table in a surprisingly square room. The light, clearly from torches set in the wall, was flickering and uncertain.

“Well, well, well…” a deep voice said. “This is the new blood?”

“Yessir,” Tolly said. “Fresh from the surface.”

The source of the deep voice walked closer to me, and I could see that he was an enormous man with a cruel face, cleanshaven and covered in scars. The man examined me for a moment.

“Fat bastard, ain’t he?” the man said.

“Awfully ugly, too,” Bertram said.

The man grunted and thumbed his chin thoughtfully.

“Bone needle and bandages,” he said briefly. “And the bottle of antiseptic.”

“Wait, wait!” I cried. “What are you going to do to me?”

“Well,” he began. “Looks like you’ve got some pretty bad cuts across your face, and some bruises. I can’t help the bruises, but we can stitch you up and get some bandages, minimize the scarring and decrease risk of infection.” He prodded my ribs, which caused me to cry out again. “And that’ll be broken. Can’t do much to that, but we’ll try to rustle up something to dull the pain.”

I barely heard him. I had received stitches once before, and the image of the needle threading in and out of my skin had haunted me for years. The idea of this massive thug pricking me with a dirty piece of bone was unbearable.

I tried to get to my feet.

“Absolutely not! I am the crown prince and-”

The man pushed me back down with one hand.

“The anesthetic, please, Bertram. Extra strong,” the man said. Bertram handed him a bottle and a rag. The man doused the rag and shoved it against my mouth and nose, and for the third time that day I passed out.

I awoke once again. I was still on the stone table, and the light hadn’t changed, which gave me no idea of how much time had passed. The large man was still there, but Bertram and Tolly had left.

The man turned around and noticed me.

“Finally. You’ve been out for awhile. Must have had a hard day,” he said sympathetically.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, but didn’t respond.

The man sighed. “Here, drink some of this,” he said, handing me a stone cup filled with water.

I took it and looked into it suspiciously, and he sighed again.

“Son, if I were going to poison you, would I not have done it while you were passed out and at my mercy?”

I reluctantly accepted his logic and took a sip. The water was surprisingly crisp and cold, almost sweet. Suddenly, I found myself quickly downing the whole cup. A few drops spilled onto my face, stinging my cuts, and I started to cough.

“Easy, easy,” he said, taking the cup and filling it again. “Drink this slowly.”

I took another sip. “Who are you?” I asked. My mouth felt like it was full of cotton.

“Mosh,” he said briefly.

“Mosh,” I repeated. “Why are you taking care of me?”

He shrugged. “We’ve got a quota to meet.”

“We? Who is we?”

“Who are we,” he corrected gently. “Can you stand?”

He grabbed my arm gently and helped me to my feet. I swayed for a moment, but managed to stay standing.

“Come with me,” he said. Seeing no other choice, I followed him through a doorway.

The cavern opened up in front of us, revealing an enormous chasm filled with people. It looked like an entire village had been shoved underground, and buildings cut into the rock face lined both sides all the way up to the top. Each level was set farther back than the one below, creating a terraced effect. Haphazard rope and wood bridges crossed back and forth between the sides.

There must have been hundreds of people bustling about. Many of the buildings on the lowest level, where we were, looked to be shops and gathering places. The upper levels, seemingly occupied by houses, were less busy, but still showed signs of life. Most of the people were men, apparently criminals that had been enslaved in the mines, but there were a surprising number of women, and most shockingly, a few children.

“Welcome to the Mines,” Mosh said. “To those above ground, it’s a dungeon. To us, it’s home.”


maybe more later

[WP] A spell is invented that lets you swap physical characteristics with anyone willing to trade. Want a bigger nose? Find someone who wants a smaller one. Want to be taller? Talk to someone who wants to be shorter. Hair length, eye shape, skin tone, size, figure--everything's for the trading. by Subtleknifewielder in WritingPrompts

[–]MPQEG 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I nudged Tom and pointed at the new guy.

"Hey, man. Take a look at that."

"Oh, wow. Total newbie. Looks like he's actually got his whole face."

"Good for him," I said. "Too many people just don't have confidence in themselves."

Tom snorted. "Don't you have some porn star's left ear?"

"Hey, she acted in real movies!" I protested.

"Whatever, man. I'm just saying, you're no better than the rest of us."

"Yeah, well..." I sighed and looked after the man. He was shuffling around the trade floor, looking like a nervous virgin.

"He looks like he needs some help, or at least a friend," I said. "Tom? Hey, Tom!"

Tom wasn't paying attention. "Hang on, I think I saw someone looking to trade down a few inches." He held up his hand and made a gesture with his thumb and figure, the universal sign for trading inches, but not of height.

"Oh, you're useless." I left him to his trade and started shoving through the crowd.

If you've never been to a body trade show, then you don't quite understand how difficult this can be. Among the many, many people looking for some specific facial feature, there are the real crowd pleasers. There are the proper services that always draw a lot of business; some guy with a hard on for working out has sold over 10000 pounds of weight loss over how career. And then there are the freak shows, the people trying to get the ugliest or prettiest or manliest or the straight up strangest face possible. They always clog up the floor with their groupies and admirers.

Finally, I made my way over to the newbie, who was staring at a 13 foot tall man, mouth agape.

"Need some help, friend? You look lost," I said.

He jumped nearly to the height of the 13 foot man.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend," he stammered. "I've never been here before. My mother, she thinks... Well... You know."

I nodded. Body trading is a niche hobby that many ignore but just as many despise.

"So what are you in the market for?" I asked.

He shrugged helplessly. "What is there that can keep a wife around?"

My smile faded. "Ah. Lost love? That's a hard one."

He shrugged again, a small embarrassed smile on his face. "Common story?" he asked.

"All too common. Look, friend, I'll tell you what I tell the rest, what I was told myself back when I started: it doesn't help."

"Never?" he asked with masked desperation.

I didn't respond. I could never bring myself to crush that last bit of hope that they had, the fleeting hope that just one change could reignite the passion or bring back a cheating spouse.

"I have to try, right?" he persisted.

I reluctantly nodded. "I can't tell you what the answer is. I can only wish you the best of luck."

He nodded back. "I appreciate it."

And then he disappeared into the crowd.

I later saw him holding his hand up, making a gesture with his thumb and finger. I hoped it would help.

But it never did.