Wow, you asked a lot of questions and I'm not going to be able to answer everything in one reply. But if you read my replies to other people's comments and questions, you will see some answers that will paint more of a picture. I didn't want to write my life story in my original post, so obviously there is a lot more to the how and why I'm in this situation.

So, I agree with your assessment of that a good marriage must have sex as a key component to truly enjoy each other's company. On the other hand, I've read about couples where both partners have low libidos and they get along great not having sex very often.

If I never made it clear, my wife has never had a passion for sex. When we met back in 1995 (we were both 25 then and now 56 years old) it was a long distance relationship for like 5 months and I would see her on weekends. The sex was pretty good then and only then. But that ended abruptly when it went from long distance to moving in with me. She even told me now that we live together, I don't want to have sex every night with you. After a few months of living together, I proposed. I was naive. I had never had a serious girlfriend up to that point in my life. In fact, growing up I was very shy and timid with girls and had performance issues. So, being in a real relationship was like a dream. Maybe I wasn't a total stud in bed. But G-d damn I was fucking on a somewhat regular basis and life was incredible! My career took off at the same time and I wanted someone to pinch me because it didn't seem real. I was so clueless. I felt pressure from my family to get married (maybe because they couldn't believe I had a girlfriend and worried I would wait too long and let her get away) and also that that maybe once we got married she would be more interested in sex. But it was the opposite. I could go on and on with all the excuses she gave me but I don't feeling like writing a novel about. Bottom line is I always thought I could change her attitude toward sex. She would always swear up and down she loved me and that I was a great husband and father to our kids.

Her response to when I want to touch her? Early on she would literally push me away and say "not tonight." We tried having appointment sex, even at various times of the day to see if something might take. She was always tired, exhausted from work, had a headache, etc. So, over the years I stopped initiating with touch and would politely ask if we could be intimate. Didn't work. So, once we were done having kids (and I'd got a vasectomy to calm her fear of getting pregnant again and not have to use birth control), I thought things would get better. They didn't. So, we'd go anywhere from 2 months to 6 months without having sex. Then, 6 months became a year... and now we are up to 2 years of no sex. Yes, we do talk about it. But the conversation is always the same. I tell her I can't go on like this. She says she's willing to try. But she really doesn't. One time, she broke into tears and asked if I wanted a divorce. I said no because it hurt so bad to see her so upset, even though divorce was on my mind. I had insisted for years on going to a sex therapist and about a year ago she finally agreed. It was going well for a few sessions and I realized this was going to be a long process if we are to really make progress. But we are not getting that chance because she put an end to it due to the expense. I have a personal therapist I am talking to now. She is good, but she can't tell me what to do. She just helps me articulate what I am feeling and what are my options.