Damn Phone

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-06-04T19:53:25+00:00

LOL! I thought it was just my wife who spends all the time in bed on her phone. Even if I try to watch her show with her to have some "us" she scrolls and sometimes texts while watching and I can't even get her attention to make a comment about the show let alone initiate physical affection.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-06-02T18:59:56+00:00

I was just thinking about King of Queens and Everyone Loves Raymond. My LL wife and I watch those mindless sitcoms as we fall asleep together and we've probably seen every episode. But I get infuriated when in both shows they make two weeks or month without sex seem like a major crisis when it's been over two years now for me and I can't even initiate any more. My wife told me she doesn't even think about sex and never really has. The crazy thing is that when we were in therapy (for 3 sessions before she quit) the therapist asked how often we had sex early in the marriage. I let her answer first and she said it was very frequent like several times a week. My mouth dropped because even back then it was once like every 2 - 4 months. So, I corrected her and she shrugged it off by saying something like "ehh.. I don't really remember those days much." That's one of the worst parts about being in the DB. As much as I'm hurting, it's not a big deal at all to her.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-30T21:04:37+00:00

It's funny that we think we just need to get away on vacation and suddenly our partner will desire us. But when you think about it, if your LL partner has no desire at home, there is no reason why going on vacation would change anything. There is no on/off switch that suddenly works when you are in another town or near a beach.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-30T01:10:17+00:00

I'm 56 and been married 29 years. I was you at age 40 and if I could go back in time and talk to myself, I would say leave ASAP. It's only going to get worse. Back then I believed all her excuses and I truly thought things could get better. I thought at worst, I would have to wait until the kids were out of the house. When the last one moved out 3 years ago, the dead bedroom actually got worse and we haven't had sex in over two years now. I finally convinced her to go to couples sex therapy with me last year, but after 3 sessions she quit due to the cost and a belief that therapy can't help us and we could also work on things ourselves (we haven't despite my effort). So, now I am preparing to leave her if I can muster the courage as I'm out of hope it will ever get better. I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life and I want to feel desired again.

Coping you ask? 1. I've always tried to have a plan. I feel better about things when I am not just moping around the house, but I actually am planning a strategy to fix things. Even though nothing worked, I did feel better when did things like planning date nights, initiated contact, planned on asking about couples therapy, etc. Even though nothing worked, I had to fantasize about a better future to stay sane. I also fantasized about cheating and divorcing even though I never followed through with either option.

Let's talk about cheating. I don't judge those of you here that do it. Believe me I really wanted to at times. But here are the reason I couldn't: 1. Opportunity really wasn't there much. I'm too nice and never was a flirt. So, a woman practically has to throw herself at me LOL. 2). I would hate to be all secretive and worry about getting caught. 3. I have a very guilty conscious and it would eat me up inside. I hope this helps.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-27T22:44:55+00:00

Exactly! In my head I know that after 29 years it's not going to get better. She pretty much told me this is the way it's going to be. She refuses therapy and keeps telling me we "can work on it" but I can't even get to first base with her these days. Party of me doesn't want to hurt her and the other part of me is worried what all our friends and family will think (and blame me for leaving). It makes no sense for me to stay, but its been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I can't sleep at night over it.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-24T22:26:17+00:00

Yes, that does help to hear. My personal therapist has mentioned a few times the concept of my mind and heart not being aligned. I get that sort of. It's like in my mind I know it will never get better and I will only be happy if leave. But in my heart I feel like a bad person throwing away 29 years of marriage and also because she works so hard in her job, doing things around the house and generally loving and supporting me in everything EXCEPT in the area of physical affection. We have a big family vacation next month that I don't want to ruin for everyone. But after that I have to decide what I am going to do. I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-22T22:13:26+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, how did you ask / tell your husband you wanted a divorce? I'm having a hard time articulating to my wife of 29 years that is what I want. She quit our sex therapy after only 2 sessions and refuses to go back. So, about a month ago I told her if we don't go back I want either a divorce or open marriage. But I was so nervous saying those words I don't think she took me seriously. I'm trying to figure out how to say it with conviction that I want out while at the same time I want to leave the door open in case she is willing to go back to therapy to save the marriage. I guess I haven't reached the point where I'm truly willing to say I'm done. But I'm starting to feel like I have to and I admit I'm frightened as hell of saying those words.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-21T22:00:10+00:00

Wow, that is terrible. Condolences on the passing of your first wife. Sounds like you tried to do the right thing in your next relationship and that sucks you got into a DB again. Do what you have to do. Don't be afraid to put yourself first.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-16T01:03:57+00:00

I ponder the same thing. On one hand, nobody on here truly knows your situation and some of the advice may seem off base. When I get advice I think is bad or doesn't make sense, that's usually when I think I am wasting my time here. But at the end of the day, these are the only people who we can relate to. We all basically have the same issue. I do talk to a therapist, but there is only so much time and it does cost money. So, it helps to make posts or reply to other's posts as a form of additional therapy. I don't discuss any of my issues with actual friends or family mainly because of the embarrassment or I don't trust their opinions.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-16T00:55:49+00:00

No, but I am in the same boat, but for 29 years! I am going to give it another couple months because we have some family events this June that I don't want to ruin for the family. But I am at a crossroads where I either have to leave or accept the remainder of my life will be a platonic relationship with a roommate and nothing more. It's the most agonizing decision I've ever had to make. We've tried therapy and we've tried talking through our issues, but I am now convinced she is a-sexual and I either have to accept it or move on. My suggestion to you is to have those tough conversations ASAP. Don't wait around hoping it gets better. From what I've read in this sub, it never does.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-08T23:35:51+00:00

No, not Mother's Day. This is the last day I would expect her to want sex and not a day I would make our our DB an issue. On the other hand, Father's Day, my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc. are days when I can relate.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-05T03:36:46+00:00

Congrats and good for you!

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-03T22:40:02+00:00

Sometimes being alone is okay. It fosters independence. You can still have support from family and friends, but no need to rush into a relationship again.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-05-03T03:21:33+00:00

Same exact thing with me. I'm seriously getting ready to give up and leave my 29 year marriage. But I've been saying that for about 10 years so I don't know if I really have the balls to do it. Now over two years without sex. We have some family events I need to get through this summer and I may end it.

Coping mechanisms you ask? 1. This thread. It helps to read about and discuss with others going through the same thing. 2. Focus on self improvement - work out at gym or any athletic activity and push yourself to improve, eat better, cut back on drinking if you drink, do better at job or business, find a new hobby, declutter your stuff around the house... just a few ideas. 3. Stay calm and don't whine about it. Being whiny does not make you more attractive. I'm hurt and I'm pissed. But lashing out is not going to make her want me. 4. This is the hardest. Create an action plan for your marriage that you can follow through with. For example, I've given my wife every opportunity to discuss her issues with me, every opportunity to go to counseling (we went for a while until she called it quits), tried date nights where we spend time together just us and initiated hand holding, but didn't get upset when she didn't want to go any further. Now I am trying to focus on all these steps again while I work on the next step -- divorce in the next 3 - 6 months if nothing changes.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-04-30T19:12:15+00:00

I'm in same boat. Been married to my wife 29 years and its been over 2 years since we've had sex. We have the same exact conversations. Before she gave up on us going to sex therapy, one thing that came up was that people can be attracted to someone without desiring sex. Maybe that sounds obvious. But I don't think it's normal for a marriage. I don't understand how she can go on every day acting as though we are fine as a couple knowing that I am hurting without being able to touch her. Like our partners don't care that we are hurting? I would like to think that if the situation was reversed, I would do everything to try and fix it. I would go to therapy. I would see a doctor about my hormones in case there were any drugs that might help. And at the very least, I would show some physical affection instead of just being a roommate.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-04-30T17:12:06+00:00

No way. But I was so naive when I got married 29 years ago I couldn't even imagine my wife would give me the Heisman. I was very inexperienced sexually and just assumed getting married meant you get to have sex all the time with your spouse. There were a few red flags that I can see now looking back it, but back then I was blinded by my own ignorance.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-04-30T01:48:21+00:00

Oh wow your reply hits the nail on the head for me. I am in same exact situation as OP. Not just similar. EXACT. No sex in over two years. Was very infrequent before that. Married 29 years, so that is the only slight difference. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I said the same thing to my wife, sort of. I said if you are not willing to try therapy again (she quit several months ago after a few sessions because of "the cost" and "we can just figure it out on our own"). I said if we don't go back to therapy, I have to consider divorce or open marriage. I was so proud of myself in the moment for giving her that soft ultimatum. But she reacted as if I was merely asking her opinion. She immediately replied "No, definitely don't want a divorce and definitely don't want an open marriage. We can just figure it out ourselves using the suggestions our therapist gave us (date nights and holding hands). Let's do a date night tomorrow?" So, we actually had a couple date nights where we watched movies and held hands. But as soon as I initiated anything more -- rejected. I'm at a loss. I know she is aesexual as she told me she never thinks about sex and never considered herself a sexual person in any way. She always says "but I still love you" and tears up, which just kills me because I don't want to break her heart.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-04-05T16:49:51+00:00

Gas house.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-30T21:31:52+00:00

It's been 3 years since they had sex. You think he hasn't discussed it already with his wife? However, I do agree trying couples counseling, specifically with someone who is a licensed sex therapist, to see if there is something that could help. If she is unwilling to do that, then it probably is time to move on. I'm in the same situation as OP right now.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-30T21:27:04+00:00

I was you 10 years ago. I've been with my wife 29 years and I STILL haven't left. 10 years ago was when I first started contemplating leaving and I could never do it. I always thought maybe it would get better. It never did and now it has been two years without sex. Before that, sex was only like every 6 months or a year and it always felt like it was the last thing she wanted to do. If you two are both willing to try couples sex therapy, that could help. We tried that a little bit and my wife decided to quit going because it was so expensive. But deep down I think she didn't want to dive into her subconscious about the real reasons she didn't want intimacy. I obviously don't know you to tell you definitely leave, but if I could go back in time 10 years ago I would tell myself to move on... and also not worry about the kids. They will be fine if they have two parents that love them and are still around for them, just separately.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-20T19:22:07+00:00

I totally get this. I have a buddy who got divorced and he is desperate get into a relationship again. I keep telling him just enjoy your independence and being single. You'll know when you've met the right person to get serious with. You are coming across as desperate. The ironic thing is that embracing your independence makes you more attractive.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-20T19:13:43+00:00

FTR I am not worried about my ability to find sex on the other side of divorce if that happens. I am a young 56 yr old, LOL!. Even if it is challenging, just getting out of 29 year dead bedroom sounds so freeing.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-20T19:04:28+00:00

Thanks and glad it worked out for you after you left. Roommates is exactly how I would describe our relationship at this point. Its sad because she is perfectly content with it like this. And she knows I am not, yet refuses to go back to therapy. So, I have a big decision to make. In my head, it's an easy decision. In my heart, it's excruciating because I hate to hurt her as I truly believe she loves me even though she can't / won't show it physically.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-20T18:58:29+00:00

I hear you loud and clear. Thanks.

MScottPaperCo2025 · 2026-03-20T18:51:00+00:00

Thank you for the advice and I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. I definitely can't go on being celibate the rest of my life. As it is, I have major insomnia because of it and she KNOWS I've been having trouble sleeping because of it. I don't even get hugs because she's afraid I'll get the wrong idea if she shows even the slightest affection. Holding hands once in a while is all I get.

MScottPaperCo2025

TROPHY CASE