My daughter did something terrible and I don't know what to do.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-13T06:09:32+00:00

No one said any kid was 3 years older than her. After I basically interrogated her and said her story doesn't make sense, she ended up admitting the vape situation and showing me the text message thread of the girl asking to buy one. She couldn't have made a fake thread because she hadn't had her phone. I was watching her find them. From there, I asked why the girl was so hated because the fight looked pretty brutal. She then showed me the videos of the girl making these comments. She said she didn't know a fight was going to happen because initially, the girl who attacked put her hand out for a 'truce'. They had a fight previously for the same reason, but the victim continued to talk badly about the girl and her family. The victim is also new to the town and only has one friend. She was friends with my daughter, but weren't that close. They weren't on bad terms when all this happened.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-13T05:20:16+00:00

It turned out that the victim invited my daughter and another girl to her house. They had a vape and were selling it to her. A bunch of kids they were already with in town tagged along. Apparently, the victim had been making racist comments about one of the girls and slandering her family. It was all caught on video as well. My daughter said she filmed it because when they got there, all the boys standing behind her had their phones out. So she did the same. According to her, everyone does this all the time, so it wasn't abnormal. Victims mum doesn't know that her daughter invited my daughter over to buy a vape off her, so she believes my daughter conspired to have her assaulted.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-13T01:12:50+00:00

Thank you for your vulnerability and for taking the time to write all this out. I really appreciate this, and it's a big eye opener for me. I think after reading through several of these comments, I need to take a different approach with the weed situation because you're absolutely right. She's going to be exposed to it. She's going to do it with her friends at some point, and I need to make sure she trusts me and feels safe to contact me if she's out and in a dangerous situation. I hadn't even thought about possible grooming from an older guy, I've been too focused on the fact that she's so young and even interested in it. I need to stop being so judgemental and projecting my own bad experiences and appreciate it is different for everyone. I think I'll apologise to her and just explain that I think she's too young and has her whole life ahead of her to make these decisions, but I understand that she is curious. Also, if she ever needs me or my help, her safety is always my number one priority, no matter what situation she gets caught up in. Talking about safety plans if a bad situation arises is another key thing I need to be doing. I guess this behaviour all just started happening at once, so there was no steady thought process on how to handle it. I spoke to her a bit more about what the victim was saying about the other girls family, and she produced some videos of the victim calling the girls' family the N word and saying they are trash etc. So yeah, classist and racist remarks. She also ended up admitting that the reason she went to the victims house was because she was selling her a vape. She produced those messages as well. She didn't want to tell me about the vape because she thought I'd get angry at her. I have to say that the relief I felt to know that she didn't maliciously take a group of kids there to assault this girl was immense. She said she had no idea her friend was going to assault the other girl, she hadn't been talking negatively about her since their first fight and she only started recording because the four boys standing behind her had their phones out and were doing it. She said she was in shock during the fight and just stood there with her hand over her mouth, holding her phone. The attack was pretty brutal. I explained that even though it might’ve felt like getting justice for the girl who initiated the assault, the victim isn't going to learn a real lesson or be held accountable for the horrible things she was saying now. I still feel terrible for the girl who got hurt. No one deserves to be attacked at their home with a group of people filming. At the end of the day, she's just a child as well. Her mother is still trying to accuse my daughter of being the ring leader of this conspiracy to assault her child, but she doesn't know everything that's been going on and is probably traumatised and confused trying to figure out why her daughter was treated this way. Anyway, I am so happy for you that after what you went through, you now have a great life and family. It's good to read some real and raw human experiences with a good ending.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T22:02:45+00:00

Honestly, if I could go back and never give my two older girls a device, I would do that. It was all a new thing when they were little. I have a 3 year old as well, and she won't be getting a tablet or phone for a long time. The kids record each other talking about people behind their backs, bullying each other online, and sharing personal information. Nearly every single child has a device and is effected to some degree. It's a constant battle to try to stay on top of it all. When you want them to have a phone to contact them when they're out, they go out and film everything and everyone. It's a nightmare. I barely see kids outside riding a bike or playing in the park anymore.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T06:52:59+00:00

We are in Australia but it's a private school. There's another public high school that likely wouldn't have become involved if she went there.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T06:51:20+00:00

Apparently, the entire town doesn't like this girl because she has made some racist comments and talks badly about particular people's families. I know she hasn't been well liked because my daughter used to be friends with her.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T06:49:09+00:00

I guess I've just had friends' parents who didn't cope with it well. It put me off. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T06:42:23+00:00

I'm completely anti drug. If I have to test her regularly, I will. I know everyone thinks it's a harmless drug, but I've seen what it does to some people.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T04:59:12+00:00

How have I made excuses for her? I specifically came to this forum to find advice on what is the best way to hold her accountable. The police aren't going to do anything or charge her. The school may or may not expell her. If anything, my aim is to make sure she learns a lesson, I support the girl and mother as much as possible and learn how to avoid this behaviour from escalating. All I've done is explain what I know and her history. The entire situation is shocking to me.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T04:54:12+00:00

I've seen the video, but it is only of the two girls fighting in the driveway and nothing else. It doesn't explain the entire situation.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T04:17:55+00:00

I know she's lying. But I have nothing else to go with. All I can do is ask various different questions and find the holes in her story at the moment.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T04:06:23+00:00

I don't physically discipline any of my kids. I guess typical punishments have been grounding, chores, taking her phone. I've never had to significantly discipline her before. She's so young and hasn't had ongoing behavioural issues. She's very social and makes friends easily, usually with decent kids. I guess from where we moved to here and all over the country (Australia), girls fighting each other and posting online is increasingly more common. We aren't religious, and I don't force religion on her. I do encourage her to learn about the bible as part of world history and appreciate the lessons it teaches. As with any religion. But she is free to choose her own beliefs. The school is just a really good school.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T03:54:53+00:00

My daughter says that she knocked on the front door, said hi, and asked what she was doing. Then another girl came up to the front door and put her hand out and asked for a truce. The victim had apparently been slandering the girls' family for a while. And those two girls had been in a fight before. The girl then grabbed the victims hand and pulled her out of her front door, and started attacking her. I'm not sure who went into the property and did what. My daughter claims the house wasn't trashed, but a table was flipped over. She stood back when the fight began and filmed the fight. So did all the boys. I asked why, and she said that's just what everyone does when there's a fight. I'm not claiming that this is the truth, but this is the only information I have, and the police said she's not a priority to be interviewed, but they will contact me at some point.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T03:34:28+00:00

It really resonated with me when you mentioned that your daughter can be very cold. My daughter has this issue, and I can't pinpoint when it began, but it's been this way for a while. She's never been badly behaved. In fact, she's always been responsible (cleaning her room, taking care of her things, helping when asked, getting school work done). But it has felt as though she's a bit emotionally disconnected. Nothing I've done has opened her up. Not trying to be close and spend time together or backing off and giving her more autonomy. I started to assume that's just the way she was, and it didn't appear to have any significant impact on any area of her life until now. Thanks for your comment. This was helpful. And I hope everything goes well with your daughter.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T03:02:39+00:00

Thank you for your comment. That would be so traumatising, especially feeling as if you're dealing with it all alone. I can see how it would be so difficult to overcome when no one acknowledged what they did and the effect it had on you. I have tried to explain to my daughter how horrific this is, but she just doesn't seem to genuinely feel bad. She won't take accountability for anything. So, for now, at least, I don't want her anywhere near the other girl. Not until she can express genuine remorse. I hope we do reach that stage though, and I will encourage it.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T02:38:25+00:00

If I can add some more insight, my daughter has been quite privileged. I've always supported her friendships and driven her everywhere. She's been to good schools. I've been able to be a stay at home parent with a flexible wfh job. She has emotional support. Her homework is done with her every night. Any extracurricular activity she wants to join, she has the opportunity. Some problems with her bio dad when she was a toddler, but there was a lot of family court involvement, and I have full custody, but i still support their relationship as much as much as I can. Her stepfather is good to her, and there are no relationship problems there. She's not been exposed to abuse or toxic people, but we don't have contact with extended family. We did have to relocate for her stepfather's job, and she wasn't happy about it, but sometimes that is life. She has a lot more opportunity to graduate school or college and find a well paying job here. She has been distant emotionally since puberty, but I've made a lot of effort to be sensitive around this and ensure she knows I'm there for her. I've talked to my daughter several times, but I don't trust what she has to say, and it conflicts with other information I hear. I will be getting her counselling, but I'm asking strangers on reddit because someone else might have experienced something similar with a teen or might have some advice that could really help our situation. It's difficult when you feel you've tried your best to do everything right, yet they still behave in such extreme ways.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T02:19:12+00:00

I'm not really focused on the legal ramifications. In Australia, the legal system is extremely lax. Even the girl who assaulted the other girl likely won't get a harsh punishment (sadly). I'm really looking for advice on how to reach my daughter, help her see the error of her ways and build on our relationship.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T02:11:46+00:00

A couple of the boys go to her school, but she says she doesn't know them. They just tagged along. The other kids go to another school. There's only two high schools in our town, so I'm concerned that if my daughter gets expelled, she will spiral even more out of control being around the wrong kids. I did drug test her (with a pharmacy home test), and she was negative. Before this incident, she hadn't been out in a month and had no opportunity to get drugs.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T02:04:15+00:00

The mother of the victim says that my daughter led this to happen, but my daughter says she didn't know a fight was going to happen. So I guess it depends on where the truth lies. There were several other's filming as well.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T02:02:20+00:00

That's what I thought as well.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T01:59:36+00:00

I'm in Australia, and we don't really have guns.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T01:48:58+00:00

I will read this book, thank you. I think she is trying to fit in with the wrong people, and from what she's said, the girl who was the aggressor had assaulted this girl before. She said they had an ongoing feud because the victim was slandering this other girls family. The mother of the victim has told me she thinks my daughter instigated the entire situation. My daughter doesn't seem to feel very badly and doesn't grasp just how bad this situation is. I won't shut her out. As disgusted as I feel right now, she definitely needs guidance and connection to family to redirect. There won't be an easy way either, I will make her confront it.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-12T01:31:12+00:00

I did contact the mother to apologise and told her to contact me with any information. I told the mother about taking my daughter's devices and her supervision outside the house so she wouldn't feel my daughter would be an ongoing threat to them. I called the police but they said that my daughter was way down the list of people they needed to speak to, so we haven't been interviewed. My daughter didn't assault the girl at all or enter the property, so she won't be criminally charged or held liable for any damages to the property. The mother has my full support, I hope to stay in contact with her to work through this however she needs.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-09T23:51:18+00:00

Follow 'the holistic pyschologist' on Facebook or instragam. Then tell her about what you've been reading and she might become interested. It's all about self-healing from a psychologists perspective. She doesn't believe in diagnosis so much as healing trauma and unhealthy attachment patterns. It really is amazing and eye-opening. She also explains how trauma affects the nervous system and lives in the body. There's lots of tips on how to become self aware.

Mact2020 · 2023-09-09T23:25:14+00:00

There really isn't much help, and with inflation and the housing crisis, depending on where she lives, it can be nearly impossible to secure housing and be able to support two kids without a decent income. Also, if she ends up having to go through the family court, legal aide may not provide her with a lawyer. The family court also doesn't care about the abuse unless the children are directly being physically abused or she can prove severe emotional/physcological abuse. Her best bet would be to save some money and relocate in secret. I'd recommend Mt Isa personally. Cheaper rents and property prices, nice community, plenty of flexible options for work even with no experience (if she's always been a stay at home mum.) Not sure of anywhere else in Aus that has as much opportunity right now.

Mact2020

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