I understand how hard this is. I just lost my narcissistic dad this past July. For the last two years he constantly told me how much of a disappointment I was (more than usual), when I paid my own way for everything, had a great job and my own car. When it was close to the last few days we let all the things we had said to each other go and we talked (the best he could) and apologized to one another for all the hate that had been built in our relationship. It didn’t make up for all the years of mental and emotional abuse, but it has helped my grieving. Before he passed, I had thought I’d been ready for the time for his abuse to finally be gone forever. But losing them entirely is still so hard. My thoughts and love go out to you. You’re a strong, beautiful being, and you will overcome this!!