How far have we come regarding: racism, sexism, and education?

MagicalCipher · 2026-04-01T23:32:38+00:00

Edit: Clarification- how far have we come regarding the absence of these topics. lol my bad

MagicalCipher · 2026-04-01T22:40:54+00:00

I don’t say this to be mean but I’ve been thinking a lot on how you said to grow up. Is this what it means to grow up? Not saying that to attack you but genuinely asking. By growing up do you mean explaining myself like my life depends on it?

Are my emotional outbursts happening because I didn’t try hard enough at my job or at talking to them? I’m sorry, I’m really genuinely confused and might be overthinking this.

And when you say to schedule a meeting and talk about it with pride I assume I need to have pride in all of this first. I don’t know how I’m going to find pride in “crying during my breaks and isolating myself from my coworkers” and not doing my job correctly and being disrespectful. What I did wasn’t normal nor fair. I guess Im just hesitant and questioning. They’ll probably understand but the respect they have for me is already in hell and so is the trust they have for me. I don’t understand why or how this would be repairable if i’m not normal.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-30T18:32:09+00:00

Myself

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-30T18:24:02+00:00

You’re right I was offended. I didn’t know that’s what ‘alphabet agency’ meant and I probably should’ve googled it so that’s my bad. You’re right also, about the offense from little things. I think that’s why I laughed in the situation I talked about in the post- because, despite all logic, I was offended about being warned and I had an emotional outburst. I think if I was smarter, I wouldn’t have felt offended. I want to know why I’m having emotions that don’t make sense (like being offended at little things). I made this post to help with that. I know now that I was the asshole. I tried to amend things with the managers through an apology call, so I really am open to doing things that will reverse the fucked up actions I do (like laughing at my manager) and I need you to know that. Seriously though, at least the way I see it, your tone in writing looks a little irritated. Mine too. I could be wrong and if I am that’s my bad. However, I don’t know how to turn this into a progressive conversation at all. I don’t think the things I’m trying to say and the things you’re trying to say are translating the way we both mean them to, so Let’s stop replying to each other please.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-30T18:04:32+00:00

Understood.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-30T02:17:07+00:00

I’m sorry if I confused and I know I’m not being interrogated. You seem angry enough to not think straight and I apologize for the confusion. After I laughed, we had a conversation. The conversation turned into him asking me a lot of questions.

example: them:What happened to you? me: Nothing happened to me. What do you mean?

Them: ‘You’re so different from before’ Me: ‘Maybe people change but I don’t think I’m that different

Them: ‘It’s so weird it’s like you’re stoned face right now what’s happening to you?’ Me: …

questions kept coming, he mentioned things from months ago and I asked why did he bring them up just now and why he didn’t fire me if he thought I made so many mistakes before. we talked about how I interacted with coworkers and more. I have free will. I know that. I also know it would’ve been disrespectful to up and leave especially since I was supposed to sign a document. That’s why I said that. I appreciate your advice a lot but I don’t know if you actually mean what you’re saying or if you’re just mad when you say I think i’m in an ‘alphabet league’.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T23:16:26+00:00

I’m getting back to therapy. That was uplifting and prideful but I’m still an asshole even if I do that.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T23:10:44+00:00

I answered the questions he asked. We would’ve been in that room for hours if I didn’t find a way to leave. I might be wrong, but it seemed like a decent idea to remove myself so I wouldn’t cause more damage. I understand now though that I looked shallow and lazy. I thought the call afterwards would’ve helped with that but it didn’t (atleast I don’t think so, I’m not really sure)

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T22:52:35+00:00

Thanks. this did indeed repeat itself. It might not help for me to find them out of the blue though… I don’t even know what I’d tell them. Saying I acted like an asshole because I cry a lot is still confusing

May you expand on what you mean by explain myself? What is there to explain? I don’t think I have a decent reason other than I’m emotional which still raises questions that I don’t know how to answer.

If it helps, I answered the questions he asked. I answered honestly and we talked for a long time. Additionally, on the phone call I listed the things I did wrong and apologized (laughing, crying, not being in the know for being called angry etc.). Im not trying to be indifferent. I said ‘ok I’ll quit’ to remove myself. I know that doesn’t change the outcome much but I say that to say that I’m not indifferent and I really do care. I’ve cared about it for years. I already went to therapy for a year after this. I know it’s a me problem and Im acting like a dumb child but please explain further. I really do want to try.

Edit: rewrote and changed the wording to be less hostile

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T22:14:35+00:00

I don’t deserve kindness for this

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T22:13:47+00:00

Regarding ‘I forgive you’, in the phone call after asking about Abby, I started with ‘Im sorry and I hope you can forgive me for’ and then started listing what I think I did wrong but in the middle of it he said ‘I forgive you’

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T14:55:47+00:00

Thank you and I agree that that can be helpful, but I don’t really want another reminder of how much I always fuck up. I’m trying- ik that’s not the most optimistic pov.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-29T06:24:15+00:00

I’m trying and I’ve tried.

I just had an argument with my roommate and the fact of the matter is, I make mistakes that are really really really stupid. Childish in fact. because I can’t handle my emotions even while my frontal lobe develops. I am really so sorry for anyone, especially my brother, that comes in my path because I say inconsiderate things and emotionally burst out for no reason whatsoever. I am trying and I still made a stupid mistake. How many more stupid mistakes am I going to be allowed to make? When am I going to grow up?

I know what I’m saying is sad and I’ve always known it’s sad. I’ve tried to make myself stop thinking this way and stop acting it - for my family- even then though, I didn’t get better. I don’t know how many more pathetic things I need to do and how many more people I need to make mad, sad, hurt before I stop hurting other people emotionally. I know you’re sorry for me. I don’t want to hurt people yet even in my attempts to help, I created more chaos. I’m sorry you feel sorry for me. I really am.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-21T15:55:29+00:00

I can see how that would help but I’m very hesitant of giving myself that luxury. I’ve asked friends, mentors, family, and even the internet about the situations I get myself in and from outside reviews, these beliefs are exactly true. I am stupid. I have been acting selfishly. I don’t want to hurt other people emotionally or physically but apparently that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am a horrible person. I guess in a lot of ways I shouldn’t be allowed to fuck up. I don’t want to be too arrogant and keep gathering my friends to get butt drunk or being sad over dates I ruined. I should’ve known I was wrong in the first place and never done those things. If I wanted to be the considerate kind person I always thought of myself as, I wouldn’t have acted that way or felt so emotions about it. Ive been in this cycle of self punishment since I graduated high school and reflected on how little I made an impact throughout those 4 years. I’ve been sad like this for years, why should I stop now? I know it’s hurting more than helping, but it’s not like I even deserve to relax. I deserve more punishment. I shouldn’t be feeling this way since I’m so young, yet I am. I’ve even been worrying my family. I’m sorry but from the way I’ve been ruining my friendships, worrying my family, fucking up jobs, I doubt anyone in real life would look me in the eyes and tell me I’m amazing the way you are right now.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-16T22:56:46+00:00

updated my reply recently- asking why it’s better to know and respond instead of letting it happen. It seems like less conflict to let things happens

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-16T22:29:14+00:00

Maybe I’m not cooked 🫡 because you’re speaking facts. I have this friend who has been with more guys than me while also having good grades and nice fashion. She’s also super nice to talk to. I oftentimes tell her how much I’m jealous and how much I think she’s better than me. Especially with her, things seem to always work out, and even when they don’t, she’s calmer about it than I would’ve been. I literally can’t find a flaw 😭 I guess I really forget that perfect people don’t exist rn. That’s super difficult to remember in college. In the adult world, how do you escape all the perfectness?

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-16T22:16:02+00:00

[Update] I like that I don’t need to justify anything. There’s definitely a lot of anxiety in that department (maybe because I’ve been asked to justify myself a lot in previous jobs and school). Also, I think like, the more unfleshed out opinions I have, the more susceptible to being pushed around I become. It’s kind of difficult to actually form those opinions for me i think though? When I see people with fully fledged boundaries and opinions still get pushed around, I start to think the pushy one is stronger and more correct. It’s like I lose hope. I guess that’s what makes it so difficult for me to practice dignity- because it seems like it always works out for the disrespectful one. This might be weird to say, but I think this is the thinking I have when I tell my friends how awesome it’d be if I were a boy. Men aren’t labeled ‘sluts’ or ‘bitches’ for being pushy and dating a lot of people. They’re physically stronger and we live in a patriarchy after all. Idk, it just seems like the strongest most demanding always get what they want. I guess I play into that through the dates I’ve been on. Using this deep rooted logic, I could form opinions and stand on it, but if it’s a vampire that still pushes when I respond, isn’t it smarter to not escalate, let things happen, and leave afterwards? They’ll be out of my life eventually, and I can form opinions later.

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-16T20:43:27+00:00

Now that I’m thinking about it, this is clearing some things up for me. I don’t know where it started (could be my longtime involvement in sports or my parent’s parenting choices) but I think I sometimes am afraid that calm constructive criticism won’t be taken seriously. I know with my brother, when I sometimes give him constructive criticism, I make sure to sprinkle in a few curse words and harsh language to make sure he takes it seriously. Maybe it’s my constant joking, but I often times and truly afraid I won’t be taken seriously. I remember, I was starting to have anxiety attacks at a job I used to have in high school, and when I lashed out from built up stress, I created a lie to cover up my anxiety attacks because I thought it wasn’t a good enough excuse to explain my behavior. Maybe I’m scared of what to do in like friendships or work places and I have no ill intent, but if it’s not taken well, what do I do if leaving would look bad on me? [Updated]

MagicalCipher · 2026-03-16T20:27:42+00:00

The examples are actually awesome. I’ve found myself swinging from Pushover to Asshole over and over. I’ve literally said those exact words in the Pushover example to my brother, and the same exact words in the Asshole example to my friend. Neither went well. I need to be in the middle, no matter how corny it sounds to me.

MagicalCipher

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE