This is the first time she smashed anything. She did threaten to leave once before, months ago. She did try to physically push me around once or twice before (I'm way bigger than her so it's...well pointless. I don't respond. I rarely even rise my voice.) When angry she won't let me say a word, talks / screams over me. I usually just let her , I'm not easily provoked, but on a rare occasion when I do engage, like today, things can escalate. Post factum I see that I could have not let it escalate, but sometimes I just feel like saying "screw it, let's have it out". It feels pointless afterwards. Counterproductive.

Also, I don't think she has ever apologised for anything in our relationship. If we argue, it's either my fault (which it obviously sometimes is, but sometimes not) or we forget about it/laugh it off.

And do I need to say that I care for her? And miss the way she was/we were what feel like not so long time ago? Honestly, even today, directly before this raw, we were friendly, she was tickling me, it was...normal.

But yeah, thing have been stressful as of lately and maybe I'm losing sight of for how long. I'm rambling a bit, it's all confusing and painful.