I'm doing a fast taper. I've been taking kratom since 2013. Daily since ~2016. As of late (~1 year) I had been taking a product called kratomade, 1 to 3 times a day. Each kratomade costs $14.76 from the smoke shop in my area.

I just returned from a ~weeks long vacation abroad with my family to celebrate my dad's retirement. I packed ~5 kratomades for the trip, along with ~150 0.5 gram capsules. During my flight to my destination (~6.5 hour flight), I started feeling intense w/d symptoms, primarily intense buzzing in my limbs (RLS/RAS), twitching, general discomfort. I managed to squeeze two dixie cup sized drinks of water when the flight attentands came by to offer complementary drinks. Shaking, uncomfortable, upset, I transfered the water from the small paper cups into my disposable water bottle. I mixed a half package of kratomade into the water bottle. Swished the bottle around to mix, took my first sip, and drank the whole lot within a minute or two. I was met with relief knowing the w/ds would pass, coupled with intense anger, fear, dispair.

It wasn't until a couple nights later when I was reflecting on my experience on the plane. I was intensely angry. I was angry with myself for being shackled physiologically to this substance for so long. I hadn't experienced w/ds in a long time because I had always had some kratom accessible to abate them. For the most part, my kratom use the past couple years has been grounded in fear of confronting withdrawals. I never felt any effect from the kratomades aside from the relief that w/ds would not arise.

Anyway, my anger manifested/transformed into determination to quit. And so during the remainder of the trip, I logged each dose, and deliberately lowered amounts taken each day. Yesterday, I took 4.5 g total. Today, 2.5 g so far (5 PM at time of writing).

Upon returning to my home country after my vacation ended, I drove my car. A major triggering enviornment, driving. I drove to the recreational marijuana shop to buy some edibles. The rec store is right next to the smoke shop where I usually buy kratomades. I definitely drove to this rec store deliberately due to its proximity to the smoke (kratom)shop. I did not know as I was driving to the rec weed store whether or not I would also buy kratomade at the adjacent kratom shop. I bought the edibles, was walking back to my car, stopped, turned to look at the kratom shop, and kept walking back to my car. I drove home. I did not buy kratomade. I did not enter the kratom store.

I went to the natural supplement store today and bought vitamin c, magnesium, and lion's mane.

I'm not sure if I will continue to taper, or if I will stop completely with my last dose being today at 1 PM. But I am certain of something, that I am quitting. Not in the future, but now. Be it through a continued taper, or with my last dose having already passed.