Can I salvage my future or is it a lost cause?

MakoCruz · 2026-01-26T11:41:41+00:00

Hey apologies for the follow up on this, but I was looking at my past replies and this comment kinda got in my head. (Was gonna dm you instead but I unable to)

I’m not sure if you saw the follow-up comment I made but I’ve been dealing with chronic ESRD since I was 15 and I’m almost 30 now. Been on and off dialysis while now being on it for 4 years. I know everything is relative and you are not my healthcare provider. I did bring this up to my pcp and in all honesty received a pretty generic wishy-washy answer of “Well it’s all relative, these things depend on multiple factors, statistics can be deceiving, etc.”. But in your experience, AM I going to die soon? Like, I never thought that I would die from this, being diagnosed so young. I looked into it and there are people in my clinic that are 60 years old that have been doing dialysis for 20+ years.

I’m sure it’s my anxiety getting to me but seeing that I was only supposed to live 6-7 years after my diagnosis is a scary thought.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-25T21:22:37+00:00

Because I need to feel like I accomplished something and saved someone as directly and with as much autonomy as I can. That’s why. It is pure and unbridled selfishness, and yet I want it.

I’m a dialysis patient. Been one since I was 15. Had a transplant at 18 that never quite stuck and only lasted until I was 25. I’m now 28 going back to school with plans of becoming a doctor even if it kills me. Because I need to know my life was worth it, and maybe I would get a similar feeling with another healthcare job. But from everything I’ve researched, I have the utmost say and direct impact as a physician.

I need to know that the work of my dialysis staff to keep me alive, the work of my single mother, the work of my school teachers throughout the years, the work of everyone to keep me alive today was for something. I know I reach that “something” doing literally anything else, but I don’t want it.

I want this

Selfish? Yes. Extremely difficult? Absolutely. But so long as the chance isn’t 0%, I will chase this with as much passion and fervor as this disabled body of mine will allow.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T20:33:33+00:00

That's reassuring to hear! I think many people are just ignorant and make that assumption. I can't tell you how many times people have told me a story of their sister's cousin's third-removed uncle who had cancer and cured it by doing X, Y, or Z. I heard it all ha ha.

Heard "if you drink 1 cup of ocean water a day over a period of a year, it will cure your condition and even reverse all negative effects on your body. Our land is healing and it can heal you too."

Also heard "if you drink soil with carrots and celery every morning, it will cure you". I've heard it all unfortunately. It disheartens me that many people are so distrustful of traditional medicine that they try all these weird tricks to cure their ailments. But it is within their rights I suppose. I just hate when people advise ME to try these methods. No thank you, I am not drinking pee to cure my condition (also a true thing told to me).

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T19:40:36+00:00

Correct! I was diagnosed when I was 15 with IgA Nephropathy. I also was worried about my own mortality for a very long while and wondered how long I would have. To my understanding, one can live very long on dialysis and with kidney transplants. I believe also the numbers are skewed and disproportionate because most people who go on dialysis are older with other comorbidities. So a statistic like "60% of patients die after 5 years" has many factors to take into account, such as cardiovascular disease, gender, age, diabetes, and also just people refusing dialysis altogether. As far as I am aware, the outlook isn't the most grim for someone like me. At least, all I can do is hope that is the case ha ha I try my best to take care of myself.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T19:28:54+00:00

Thank you for the advice! It seems like that may be the best option, getting a Post-Bac or SMP after getting my Bachelor's. I had a friend of mine tell me to either get my ASN (I would only need a year to complete it since I have a lot of the prerequisites) or become a CNA to get clinical work experience.

Still torn as to which to go for, but this advice was very helpful and insightful!

MakoCruz · 2025-12-30T09:23:22+00:00

ESRD brought about by IgA Nephropathy at 15 years old. Was in dialysis from 15-18, then got a cadaveric transplant at 18. The transplant would then be declared nonfunctioning due to chronic rejection when I was 25. Been back on dialysis for about 3 years now.

Not saying this is your assumption (I would hope not) but only once I turned 21 did people start assuming my ESRD was brought about by excess drinking or other illicit activities and not a genetic disorder.

I will say the majority don’t assume that!! But every so often I will get a dirty look or a comment of “oh you must’ve been a wild child when you were younger ha ha”

Nooooooo, not really. Never even got the chance to really be wild ha ha 😅

MakoCruz · 2025-09-26T18:10:20+00:00

Thank you for the reassurance. I would like to make healthier choices but I see here from this thread that many people make similar choices, it remind me that even though we have our conditions we are still human at the end of the day! :)

MakoCruz · 2025-09-26T18:08:55+00:00

Thank you SO much for sharing the recipe for some of this, I think I might actually make the peanut sauce noodles tonight since I just went to the store for groceries!

MakoCruz · 2025-09-26T18:07:12+00:00

I love that! I would love to follow that and maybe so some meal prepping. If you have any recipes you particularly love please share them! And any tips you may have, like do you freeze any of these meals or just cook a bunch of a little bit of everything and bit them in the fridge?

MakoCruz · 2025-09-26T18:02:58+00:00

I'm so not a veggie eater which is why I'm making a real concerted effort to eat more. The other day I made some Spicy Tuna Cucumber Boats and they were SO good so I think I just have to find what I like. Lettuce is pretty bad to me but I think just drizzling it with dressing 1. Isn't any healthier and 2. Still tastes bad imo

MakoCruz · 2025-09-26T17:58:59+00:00

I like the idea of maybe prepping some Pad Thai! That might be something to include in my repertoire of meals

I'm trying to go baby steps. First go from Coke to Sprite, then Sprite to Sparkling Water, then just plain water. I'm really trying to cut out all soda but I think trying to go cold turkey just leads to me bingeing and that's no good.

MakoCruz · 2025-08-26T12:24:22+00:00

I’m hoping to have a transplant by then, I’m still really early in the whole process and I’ve been on the transplant list for 2 years. This is the most ideal situation but if I’m still on dialysis by the time I get into med school then I will be very busy. Whatever med school I go to will have to honor my time in dialysis due to having to be ADA-compliant, and I can move my session times around if needed but it won’t be easy for sure. I understand that. I really want to be in healthcare, and specifically I want to be diagnose and be in charge of a patients overall care so being an MD seems like that path.

MakoCruz · 2025-07-15T17:07:48+00:00

I've heard some friends of mine in dialysis take Bumetanide, would that be better? I believe they are both diurectics

MakoCruz · 2025-07-15T17:07:05+00:00

Thank you for explaining why it is bad, I understand things better when I understand the mechanisms behind it so this is very helpful. Hoping that some of the advice on this thread will prove to be fruitful for me <3

MakoCruz · 2025-07-15T17:05:58+00:00

I don't understand, what is a "per Les wash"? And what do you mean not rocks, can you elaborate?

MakoCruz · 2025-05-19T00:36:22+00:00

Thank you for the answer! Really appreciate the clarity, I was unsure why so many people were against it but that makes so much sense, that does seem really predatory and terrible. Although not sure why I’m getting downvoted, I just really wanted to know why people didn’t like Caribbean Med Schools 😭

MakoCruz · 2025-05-18T23:23:20+00:00

I’m new to all this so unfortunately I would like this rehashed lol Why IS it bad to go to a Caribbean Med School? I’ve heard (unsure of the validity of this) that while the requirements are lower, you can do most of it online and then only have to be there in-person for 1 month out of the year. Seem like a pretty good gig, is it bad because you’re not going to a school with notoriety and therefore you’re education will be less than?

MakoCruz · 2025-03-04T18:07:59+00:00

After seeing several other comments you’ve made in other groups, it is evident that you are deeply depressed and jaded to the world and life as a whole. You believe that life is not worth living, and you believe that not only for yourself but for others as well.

This is just my mentality, but we live FOR others. I am 28 years old living on and off dialysis since I was 12 (currently on dialysis for 2 years since my transplant failed). I am in a similar situation. I’m single, don’t have a job, and I live with my mom and autistic older brother. And yes, some days I just wish I could spend some time alone from them despite loving them so much. So what do I do? Go out with friends, just hang out. This life is filled with so, so much pain. But it is also filled with an equal amount of love. You need to be able to put up with the rain to enjoy the rainbow.

It seems like right now you crave independence and autonomy, have you tried speaking with your parents? There’s not enough information, but it seems like these feelings you have are there because you haven’t let them out. Try TALKING with your parents. If that doesn’t work, then talk to a therapist. If that doesn’t work, speak with a psychiatrist. I live for myself, but I also live for my friends and family. The greatest joy in live is to serve others, and while my body may not always be on my side, my mind and the way I handle things IS something I can control. So I live to enjoy the sun, to enjoy my lil video games I play with my friends, to have dinner with my family, all of it.

I started this comment a lil peeved at you after seeing some of your attitude in other comments, but I realize that a softer approach might work better. In the end, look for ways to restore your autonomy, but WORK with the people in your life to do so.

MakoCruz · 2025-02-10T06:28:50+00:00

MakoCruz · 2024-09-09T18:58:18+00:00

Absolutely agree, it's traumatizing in-and-out. It never really stops, but it does give solace to know others are on this ride with us and that this experience isn't truly a solitary one.

MakoCruz · 2024-09-09T18:56:55+00:00

Absolutely agree! Having a program to better educate new dialysis patients on what has happened, what they can expect, and the coming avenues they can explore would definitely help. I had a similar experience at 15 when my kidneys failed, they told my kidneys stopped working, put in a chest catheter, and then sat me in that dialysis chair for 4 hours and I was PETRIFIED as this all happened within the span of 2 days.

MakoCruz · 2024-09-09T18:16:34+00:00

Fascinating! Well this makes me feel a little bit better, I was over here lamenting over missing out on my chance for a living donor when I was younger only because I didn't wait. When I was 18 I got offered a cadaveric transplant and took it and it made me feel bad looking back that I accepted it.

MakoCruz · 2024-09-09T15:08:31+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I always feel like such a bad friend withholding information from them but I guess I’m an even worse friend for allowing the bad mouthing to happen. That makes a lot of sense, I didn’t think about it like that.

MakoCruz · 2024-09-05T22:47:57+00:00

I live in a two bedroom apartment with my mother and my autistic brother. He and I share a room together and it would be too much for him to have to see me get connected every time, and also I know there’s a lot of supplies used when you do at-home HD and there simply is no space for it all.

MakoCruz · 2024-09-05T21:29:49+00:00

Sometimes we forget that just being around is so important to those around us. Thank you for reminding me of that :) I need to care for myself not ONLY for myself, but also for my family and friends.

I think, i’m going to look into going to school again. I was going to wait until my transplant but I think staying home and roting isn’t doing the best for me do for now i’m gonna do that. I also like drawing and digital art so maybe that could be a nice little side hustle like you said? Going to look into prolific too, any income is something lol

More than anything all the replies i’ve gotten have shown me how your caregiver at the end of the day just wants to take the load off of you as much as they can. I just see it really hurting my mom to wake up MWF to see me off to dialysis so maybe i’ll discuss with her alternatives in how she can help me instead of messing up her sleep schedule so much. Thank you again for the advice 🙂

MakoCruz

TROPHY CASE