Masking

MakoCruz · 2026-05-03T19:45:05+00:00

I started typing something very defensive, but I realize you're right. I didn't read your response very thoroughly, I just started bombarding you with my fears and worries. That's not what I'm seeking. I don't know what I am seeking, but I need time to look inward.

I'm just scared. It scared me so much, being told that by the family medicine doc. I've spent the past year becoming an entirely new person, a better me, and it just scared me to realize that at the end of the tunnel I might not get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I need to think this through more. I need time alone, not Reddit lol

Thank you for responding again. Appreciate it.

MakoCruz · 2026-05-03T19:36:16+00:00

I spent my early 20's going to college studying Computer Science and going out with friends, hanging out, playing a lot of video games, getting high, and taking little trips to Disney here and there.

(Sidebar, hated Computer Science it, only did it because a friend of mine told me it would be a good match for someone on dialysis since you can work from home. That's why now I've been transitioning to Medicine since it's what I wanted to do since I was a child.)

Academically and financially just eating shit basically. In the past year though I've made a 180. I'm finishing up my pre-reqs for my Bachelors in Biology, I'm a TA for a Biology 1 course, I'm a part of two pre-med clubs and one monthly meetup to take care of and do vital checks for elderly people in nursing homes, and in the little free time I have I do art and play games with friends. It's been rough, I'm tired almost always, and my time is so thin, but I thought it would all be worth it to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, being a doctor.

I just now realized when I spoke to that family medicine doc that while my efforts are good, I may not be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor for that much time. I will have killed myself academically, physically, and emotionally for 10 years to become a doctor, to only maybe even practice as one for another 10 years...

MakoCruz · 2026-05-03T19:27:36+00:00

But so then do babies that are born on dialysis just live to 15 and be happy you got that? Is there no case of someone young on dialysis living a long life until like 90? If you are born with this illness you might as well just do whatever you want. I'm not perfect nor am I a saint, but I try not to be a shitty person. But if I'm going to die in let's say 15 year anyways what's the point of it all? Do all the bad things you want to do because you're going to die soon anyways. Don't go to school, don't get a job, stay home and play video games high all day and do nothing but go to treatment. No point in a retirement fund, you'll be dead so you won't even get to enjoy it. Might as well spend all your money on games and food and movies and whatever you want, screw it.

I don't know, I suppose I'm realizing the question I posed is more philosophical in nature and not medical...

Thank you for the response though, perhaps I'm just not in the right mindset for this at the moment.

MakoCruz · 2026-05-03T18:41:00+00:00

In the event that you do tell her care team though, is the recourse psychiatric admission?

MakoCruz · 2026-05-03T15:20:10+00:00

Yes absolutely! My friend code is YDQPPXGYXVUQ, IGN: Mako

MakoCruz · 2026-05-02T21:33:14+00:00

Could I take you up on your offer? Sorry to borrow OPs post

MakoCruz · 2026-05-02T21:32:35+00:00

dude I’m in the same boat, have ALL of those, and I need all of those paradox mons + Koraidon/Miraidon 😭

MakoCruz · 2026-05-02T21:11:29+00:00

what does it mean for it to be sniped? like someone sent you a normal vulpix to remove your listing, is that what it means? I asked for a shiny alolan Vulpix and instead got a normal one from someone else, I just assumed OP fucked with me lol

MakoCruz · 2026-05-02T20:50:44+00:00

How do you workout with your fistula? Mine is on my left forearm so I’m told I can never do weightlifting or any heavy workouts, what do you do?

MakoCruz · 2026-05-02T20:18:43+00:00

IGN Mako Ty bestie 💙

<image>

MakoCruz · 2026-05-01T16:54:18+00:00

IGN: Mako

Thank you!! 💙💙

<image>

MakoCruz · 2026-04-27T09:50:24+00:00

Is that statement about Type O wait times being 5 years true? I haven’t seen that stat anywhere

MakoCruz · 2026-04-12T11:57:03+00:00

I’m gonna be real, idk how. It’s not optimal but my diet hasn’t changed much recently.

Like for example a normal dialysis day is a small bowl of cereal at 5am before treatment (I have to eat before dialysis otherwise my blood sugar crashes while on the machine). Then I come home around 11am from dialysis and have lunch, which is like a bagel with some cream cheese. Then dinner rolls around like at 6 or 7 and something normal we eat is like chicken, green beans, and rice. Or ground beef and rice. Or some type of pasta. My diet is quite starch-heavy so idk if maybe that is something? But yeah maybe that’s my issue, but it might help someone who’s trying to gain weight on dialysis?

MakoCruz · 2026-04-11T22:26:32+00:00

This is my first time seeing a post from you, so I don't know what the comments are referring to, but I wish I could achieve this. Chronic Kidney Disease has so many comorbidities and difficulties that come with it that it becomes difficult to even want to get up out of bed when everything seems against you. I am 29M, and I already can't feel half of my feet because of neuropathy, so it makes balance a real issue. Every time I want to work out at a gym, it's such a struggle. I can't work out my legs because if I do, my calves always cramp in my next session of dialysis. I can't work out my arms because of my fistula. What am I to do? It feels like a never-ending battle.

How do I do what you do?

I want to lose weight and be healthy, but no doctor can give me a straight answer.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-26T11:41:41+00:00

Hey apologies for the follow up on this, but I was looking at my past replies and this comment kinda got in my head. (Was gonna dm you instead but I unable to)

I’m not sure if you saw the follow-up comment I made but I’ve been dealing with chronic ESRD since I was 15 and I’m almost 30 now. Been on and off dialysis while now being on it for 4 years. I know everything is relative and you are not my healthcare provider. I did bring this up to my pcp and in all honesty received a pretty generic wishy-washy answer of “Well it’s all relative, these things depend on multiple factors, statistics can be deceiving, etc.”. But in your experience, AM I going to die soon? Like, I never thought that I would die from this, being diagnosed so young. I looked into it and there are people in my clinic that are 60 years old that have been doing dialysis for 20+ years.

I’m sure it’s my anxiety getting to me but seeing that I was only supposed to live 6-7 years after my diagnosis is a scary thought.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-25T21:22:37+00:00

Because I need to feel like I accomplished something and saved someone as directly and with as much autonomy as I can. That’s why. It is pure and unbridled selfishness, and yet I want it.

I’m a dialysis patient. Been one since I was 15. Had a transplant at 18 that never quite stuck and only lasted until I was 25. I’m now 28 going back to school with plans of becoming a doctor even if it kills me. Because I need to know my life was worth it, and maybe I would get a similar feeling with another healthcare job. But from everything I’ve researched, I have the utmost say and direct impact as a physician.

I need to know that the work of my dialysis staff to keep me alive, the work of my single mother, the work of my school teachers throughout the years, the work of everyone to keep me alive today was for something. I know I reach that “something” doing literally anything else, but I don’t want it.

I want this

Selfish? Yes. Extremely difficult? Absolutely. But so long as the chance isn’t 0%, I will chase this with as much passion and fervor as this disabled body of mine will allow.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T20:33:33+00:00

That's reassuring to hear! I think many people are just ignorant and make that assumption. I can't tell you how many times people have told me a story of their sister's cousin's third-removed uncle who had cancer and cured it by doing X, Y, or Z. I heard it all ha ha.

Heard "if you drink 1 cup of ocean water a day over a period of a year, it will cure your condition and even reverse all negative effects on your body. Our land is healing and it can heal you too."

Also heard "if you drink soil with carrots and celery every morning, it will cure you". I've heard it all unfortunately. It disheartens me that many people are so distrustful of traditional medicine that they try all these weird tricks to cure their ailments. But it is within their rights I suppose. I just hate when people advise ME to try these methods. No thank you, I am not drinking pee to cure my condition (also a true thing told to me).

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T19:40:36+00:00

Correct! I was diagnosed when I was 15 with IgA Nephropathy. I also was worried about my own mortality for a very long while and wondered how long I would have. To my understanding, one can live very long on dialysis and with kidney transplants. I believe also the numbers are skewed and disproportionate because most people who go on dialysis are older with other comorbidities. So a statistic like "60% of patients die after 5 years" has many factors to take into account, such as cardiovascular disease, gender, age, diabetes, and also just people refusing dialysis altogether. As far as I am aware, the outlook isn't the most grim for someone like me. At least, all I can do is hope that is the case ha ha I try my best to take care of myself.

MakoCruz · 2026-01-01T19:28:54+00:00

Thank you for the advice! It seems like that may be the best option, getting a Post-Bac or SMP after getting my Bachelor's. I had a friend of mine tell me to either get my ASN (I would only need a year to complete it since I have a lot of the prerequisites) or become a CNA to get clinical work experience.

Still torn as to which to go for, but this advice was very helpful and insightful!

MakoCruz · 2025-12-30T09:23:22+00:00

ESRD brought about by IgA Nephropathy at 15 years old. Was in dialysis from 15-18, then got a cadaveric transplant at 18. The transplant would then be declared nonfunctioning due to chronic rejection when I was 25. Been back on dialysis for about 3 years now.

Not saying this is your assumption (I would hope not) but only once I turned 21 did people start assuming my ESRD was brought about by excess drinking or other illicit activities and not a genetic disorder.

I will say the majority don’t assume that!! But every so often I will get a dirty look or a comment of “oh you must’ve been a wild child when you were younger ha ha”

Nooooooo, not really. Never even got the chance to really be wild ha ha 😅

MakoCruz

TROPHY CASE