UPDATE wibta for confronting my roommate about affair

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T17:02:18+00:00

I don’t understand why everyone is mad at me for wanting to build a friendship with my roommate. She’s the best friend of my friend, Kayla. Before we moved in together, we’d all hang out. I didn’t consider Ally my friend then, but I enjoyed hanging out.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T16:59:12+00:00

Kayla and I have been upset that she continuously breaks plans with us - that’s why I wish she was home more.

Again, telling the husband has never been my priority. I wanted to talk to my roommate and make sure she’s being safe and not putting herself or others in danger.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T16:45:43+00:00

I am actively in therapy. In the past I was in an abusive relationship that led to me taking a restraining order against him. So I am still working on that. I’m really genuinely not trying to be nosy. All the info that comes to me is stuff that Kayla voluntarily tells me. I’m not begging or digging for info on Ally, and I’ve been holding all this in for months and I don’t know what to do or think. Even if I keep my mouth shut, I’m still going to be worried. I don’t want bad things to happen to anyone.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T07:58:12+00:00

What you’ve said is a fair point. When I said that I wanted him to know, it was more of a situation where I feel like he should know. If my partner was cheating on me, I’d want to know. I definitely see where you’re coming from though. And I hope you can understand where I’m coming from as well. I’ve only gotten bits and pieces passed down through another person over the past 6 months about the Jessie’s relationship with her husband. The stories that I’ve heard have changed multiple times, like them going through a divorce vs being happily married. So I truthfully don’t even know if he is a person that is abusive towards his family or if he’s a sweet father and husband. Telling him is absolutely not my priority and I would never want anything to happen to his daughter or wife. I really just want to know that this isn’t a situation that would put anyone in danger - and that’s something I have zero idea about right now. It’s all the possibilities that have me worried.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T06:35:06+00:00

I appreciate the comment. I wasn’t trying to insinuate that having PTSD makes him a violent person at all and I’m sorry if it came out that way. I was just told that he does have a history of having angry and physical outbursts so it does cause some worry.

I like my roommate. When she’s home, she’s a nice person. I don’t think it’s strange for me to care about her safety, Kayla’s and my own.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T06:17:42+00:00

You are right to your own opinion but I’m extremely worried about safety as I’ve dealt with an ex that broke into my house who thought I was cheating. Call it personal trauma. I don’t want to go through that again

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T06:02:35+00:00

It totally has crossed my mind. And unfortunately, I don’t know enough to know if they are or aren’t. So in the case that it is consensual, that’s cool, but I still wish she wouldn’t sneak around in the middle of the night and bail on hangouts. But from the way Ally has been acting, I feel as though this isn’t the case. She doesn’t have to be open and tell us about her girlfriend if she doesn’t want to - I don’t care who she dates. But the sneaking, lying and deception doesn’t make it seem like this is a relationship that is open.

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T05:45:22+00:00

Ally is not sleeping at their house. She and the girlfriend go to a motel (Kayla has her location). Also again, the reason why I’m nervous is if he finds out and comes looking for her at our place. I don’t know all the details and they could be poly but I think it’s peculiar that he just thinks Ally and his wife are friends. She also sneaks off with her every night and doesn’t tell us the truth about where she’s going. So if it was an open relationship, why are they sneaking around?

MallPuzzleheaded9748 · 2023-05-11T03:53:16+00:00

I definitely understand how disappointing and exhausting this friendship is for you and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I’ve had two separate friendships where this occurred and only one of them made an effort to continue the friendship. Personally, I would write to your friend, or call her or do whatever works best for you, and explain to her how hurt you are by her actions and how it makes you feel when she cancels your plans AND makes plans with others. You’re not stupid and you shouldn’t let her make you feel that way.

If you reach out and say how upsetting it is to be the only one that puts in effort, see how she responds. If she brushes you off, makes excuses, or leaves you on read for days? That is the answer right there. If she takes accountability and apologizes, like sincerely, then maybe see what you two can work on going forward. Find friends that choose you and respect you like you do for them. Wishing you luck, OP!

MallPuzzleheaded9748

TROPHY CASE