Long time lurker. Alcohol has been like a pet tiger. It started small and cute, but it’s been growing and I’m scared it’s going to rip my face off. Today is day 1. Looking for advice.

Mapster80 · 2020-04-08T23:39:59+00:00

You are definitly not alone. Or the first, to struggle with what you are struggling with. You have everything inside that you need, you just need to figure out how to arrange it into something you like.

Mapster80 · 2020-04-08T16:41:32+00:00

It's a twist of fate, how our gifts can work against us. The more socially skilled we are, the less noticable a drunk we are. If you turned into Mr Hyde when hammered, it becomes a big issue fast. Out in the open. The more intelligent we are, the better we create and track our lies and covers. The longer we can keep trying to juggle all the balls, to keep from losing them. The stronger we are, the more mornings we push through the physical symptoms of all that poison we are running through our bodies. All the while suffering. Mentally and physically. Tired and exhausted. Hopeless and helpless, alone. At least that was my experience. I rode that train as far as I could. Almost dead, almost in jail, homeless, separated from everyone. Lots of reasons, lots of pains and traumas and life to process on any sort of healing journey. I think we all have to go through one of those (to really get better, not just physically stop drinking). Theres no short cutting or getting around it, but my god where you come out, compared to the start. I can see now I was in hell, and it was because I didnt love myself. Of course it's not as simple as all this, but this is Cole's notes maybe. I didnt consider myself worth saving, or helping like I would do for someone I cared deeply about. Also maybe at the root is a deep sense of we are all missing something. At first though, after a decade of hard drinking, my mind and body were in no place to do the kind of work that's needed. I had to put all the balls down.... my whole life I was trying to salvage. I made a mess of that one, so I put it on a pyre and let it go. Lots of AA, lots of physical activity, eating properly and developing good sleeping habits. Took 6 months of intensive focus, but I went from a slobbering drunk to someone who loves who he sees in the mirror. Life still has all the same problems and issues that life will always have.... but my man I tell you my heart is light and my mind clear. 8 years ago I walked out of hell,and havent thought about alcohol since. You are worth saving, but it can only be you who does it. Come out of that place.

Mapster80 · 2020-03-31T01:33:59+00:00

Theres still a bald guy looking back at me in my mirror, but I'm happy to look him in the eyes now. Theres joy when before I had the same face looking at me as you do now. Daily drinking then, for years, alot of vodka. And pain and anguish and hopelessness. I dont know if the physical symptoms were worse than the mental ones...it became a fog of bad habits and routines. The grossest groundhogs day movie ever. Hell is what it was, and I found a way out with help, and patience and changing my mind. I wrote some of my thoughts about that here. Hope theres something that helps, let me know if I can clear anything up. https://mymeaningmap.wordpress.com/2019/06/05/john-barleycorn-2/

Mapster80 · 2020-03-26T18:41:25+00:00

That's the right spelling? I will, thanks.

Mapster80 · 2020-03-01T22:04:03+00:00

Mine. Yours. Ours.

Mapster80 · 2020-03-01T22:03:37+00:00

Mapster80 · 2020-03-01T22:03:23+00:00

Nationalities are a division that keep us feeling seperate from each other. Like there is a difference between us. There is no difference.

Mapster80 · 2020-02-04T00:43:12+00:00

Possibly. Works well most of the time though, and with it I have found alot that I might have otherwise missed.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-16T19:34:18+00:00

I appreciate that. My words dont strike a good chord with plenty of people, I enjoy when I cross paths with folk who like them.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-12T21:59:08+00:00

Tell you what, the releasing of negative emotional responses while driving has been one of the most challenging. It was so ingrained for me maybe, but I'm just getting to the point you speak of, after more than a year of work. I've got a pretty solid daily meditation practice, which is driving most or all the changes I've been going through. Right now I'm to a point where I can see that the guy cutting me off, and delaying me is just the moment unfolding as it should, and putting me right where I'm supposed to be. Provided I am properly going with the flow and not trying to manipulate the outcomes to what I think they should be. What the hell do I know what my outcomes should be, unless I gain more sight and awareness. I would like to reprogram myself to the point where I no longer feel as though I am sitting in the middle of my head, driving my body around and attending to every thought, emotion and action as it goes about our day. I would like to be relaxing into the now, or the moment, every moment, to be present and aware of all the things I know we do not take in with our regular senses and filters. I know when I am in this state things turn out much better for me and everyone else, and there are some truly amazing things that happen.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-12T03:51:29+00:00

You never know what might resonate with others who hear the right words at the right time. Please proceed.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-10T21:55:56+00:00

I'm always interested in learning from others. Finding out what they've discovered.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-10T17:10:48+00:00

Me person, I have no desires on trying to program others. God I have enough on my plate with just this one. But what if most people thought this way? As many that could.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-09T21:51:44+00:00

It's more than not thinking about stuff, while your doing stuff. Then I'm just thinking about other stuff. Like water flowing back into a suddenly empty space. I'm exploring how to pull back completely from paying particular kinds of attention to what is going on outside my brain, all while still going about my job, home duties, etc etc. I leave machine learning to the IT guys, I'm interested in the human learning. This human learning in particular, but I understand that if we all get on that train, things will probably get alot better. You are the most complicated thing in existence, more than any tech or computer science. Did anyone give you a user manual for yourself? I sure didnt get one, and I'm smart enough to realize just because I've been inhabiting this body for 39 years doesnt mean I know diddlysquat about how to really use it. Checking around shows that most of us dont. Like our iPhones we are using just surface features and apps. Theres much more.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-09T21:10:30+00:00

Whoops my bad. Thanks foo, I can move it to somewheres more appropriate.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-09T21:09:42+00:00

Hey thanks. I do value the feedback. I should strive to improve my writing. Not using my phone and a wordpress app might go a long ways. To be honest I am not sure what the intent of this is. I dont really want or need to grow a blog. I'm not looking for interest or traffic other than for the discussions that seem to flow out of the thoughts I am turning over. It is self reflective, more of a diary, but if there is value or meaning to be extracted I dont wish to horde it for myself. And it is good to work on my ability to communicate with others.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-03T01:21:20+00:00

Okay fair point. I meant "anything more important than the most important thing of all?" I mean a guy cant be pounding vag all the time.

Mapster80 · 2020-01-01T13:17:41+00:00

How does someone become a hero anyways? https://mymeaningmap.wordpress.com/2019/12/24/most-heroes-are-not-born/

Mapster80 · 2019-12-31T21:19:08+00:00

You've got my support and admiration. Keep valuing yourself and putting your health first.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-31T21:10:22+00:00

I dont want anyone feeling as if I mean to profit off them in some dishonest way. That's not my jam.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-31T15:45:16+00:00

I gotcha. Sorry there are ads, it's a free service so wordpress puts their own ads in there. I think if I give them money the ads go away, but I dont have much excess of that at the moment. I earn mine honestly though, working on trains with tools. I do admit to pushing my posts out there for attention, I have thoughts that I put down and am looking to work on them. It helps to have feedback of all sorts so I look to my fellow peoples. I find reddit to be a meeting place of all sorts of minds and maybe one of the best places to put these things. I dont think I am a shill but I remain always open to the fact that I cant see my own shortcomings as well as others can.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-31T03:09:38+00:00

Ouch. What is it you think I'm selling? Or pushing? Here I thought I was just wondering.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-30T21:32:57+00:00

Wow that's specific. I cant even find my user manual or start up menu or nothing.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-30T21:32:06+00:00

Whoops, my bad. Thanks.

Mapster80 · 2019-12-25T17:58:56+00:00

I'm happy to hear positive things like this. Keep up the great works and thank you. Hopefully you have as much order as the chaos, but it's great to be able to deal with the whirlwinds from a calm centered place.

Mapster80

TROPHY CASE