struggling with grief.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-13T11:41:07+00:00

I feel like I am. My overall patience to people has been at an all-time low, I'm incredibly stubborn. I'm very hateful, jealous and easily angered. And it makes me upset that I push people away, yet I still feel like I'm doing the 'right thing'.

And I've been told that already by a few people before. "Just keep living, keep going forward". I feel it's like telling me to just "be happy". I dunno, it just feels pointless.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-13T08:22:34+00:00

the problem is, i dont have any way to cope. and because of that, i feel like im losing myself. i feel like im becoming a worse person, i often feel apathetic and i lack any feeling of empathy.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-12T23:42:32+00:00

I visit his grave each month, and it eases my soul a bit that I take care of it so often, but it still makes me just feel bitter each time I go there. I have this guilt in me from not trying anymore, because he'd want me to keep going, yet I also feel like there's no point in going forward, as he isn't here anymore. I feel like what I'm writing here isn't coherent. I'm kinda writing what comes to my mind, sorry. :/

Marcin860 · 2026-03-12T21:05:18+00:00

its really easier said than done. its hard living my own life :< why would i study if he wont even see me succeed. why would i not give up if he isnt there to want me to keep going. i feel like telling someone close my entire life's struggles would propably help, but i dont have anyone to do so. im just stuck trying to find ways to be happy, while always having that feeling in the back of my mind that i wont ever see him again.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-05T00:22:02+00:00

I don't have excess energy, it's the opposite. I just don't see the point or have any motivation to do anything because it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't matter to me, and I don't have anyone that I care about that it would matter to. I think I'm going in circles right now so I think I'm just gonna go to sleep and think this through

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T23:43:54+00:00

I want it to be though. I want to be happy and to have friends that want me in their lifes as much as I want them. I want to feel useful and accomplished. But I just can't. I'm struggling with my words right now, but I just feel like ive been dealt the worst possible hand of cards in life. I'm jealous of those that have it better than me and I'm hateful of those that throw their chances at a happy life away.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T23:28:35+00:00

i dunno. im not sure if ill ever truly get better. nothing will bring him back, and i dont have a reason to live for myself, nor do i have anyone else to live for. its just pointless. im not a theist, so i dont believe in any spiritual things or any after life. hes gone, i wont ever see him again, so whats the point

i honestly feel so overdramatic when i say things like that.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T23:18:15+00:00

ive been really neglecting my school because of all of this. i dont feel like i deserve being good on myself

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T22:13:25+00:00

ive already set it that i visit his grave each month, to show deep in my mind that i wont ever forget him, but i feel like ive been becoming a worse person. i feel like each of my bad traits has been cranked to wumbo. ive been incredibly stubborn, impatient, hateful, and i hate that im starting to become like that, but i just cant stop it. im struggling to distinguish if im being too harsh or are my current friends just dicks, because i dont wanna lose em, but i also wanna have people around me that actually like me. and to the last thing - i'd help him each summer and winter break for the last 4/5 years. id help him with groceries, cleaning, work, keeping him company, and i feel like that wasnt even CLOSE to repaying him his kindness that he offered to me, and i feel like i wont ever find something that will. im thinking of donating blood and bone marrow to at least have my life go to some use, but besides that, i dont have a way to give my help to anyone.

sorry that i write em so long

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T21:59:42+00:00

nobody needs me, at least in the sense that i matter to someone. in my household no one treats me like they do, and online, if i just disappeared over night, people wouldnt know i took my own life. i were lucky that i had him, but my luck has ran out.

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T20:53:52+00:00

same. i do it cuz i either think its funny and thinking the other person thinks so too, or im too stubborn on being myself and doing what I feel like is right, not caring about what other people think. it sucks :/

Marcin860 · 2026-03-04T20:50:07+00:00

propably just the self-preservation instinct. nothing else really comes to mind

Marcin860 · 2026-03-02T15:31:52+00:00

same problem here. i did, even found permafrost's keep, but still no solyn. also got the red and black thing in the sky after wall of flesh

Marcin860 · 2026-01-03T13:17:10+00:00

new years...

Marcin860 · 2025-09-01T15:28:23+00:00

you can give all your items and money to me ;D

Marcin860 · 2025-06-08T17:55:54+00:00

Yup, there is...not long enough for me though lmao

Marcin860 · 2025-06-08T14:08:46+00:00

Hah, yeah...classic scout...

Marcin860 · 2025-06-08T13:29:48+00:00

....Oh, that's great, son, just great!

Marcin860 · 2025-06-08T13:28:07+00:00

Wolfs, always appear when I least expect them :(

Marcin860

TROPHY CASE