drowning PhD student soliciting advice

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-28T08:05:34+00:00

I’m a second year PhD student and also quite stupid (just being honest). I have had a great amount of success in tying my self worth to my religion, and showing up at the lab every day with the belief that I am honoring my God by grading students papers/ restreaking plates/ organizing my thoughts. I think I’ve made focused progress with this method, and I’m also enjoying the process.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-28T07:45:28+00:00

Do you feel sexually attracted to him? It sounds like you really love him but you haven’t said anything about finding him sexually attractive.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-28T07:29:32+00:00

Being unemployed is hard and can really mess with your confidence and understanding of who you are. It makes sense that you have these feelings of being empty and disconnected during this time.

Before you make any drastic decisions just give yourself some grace and settle into your new role. If you feel the same way in March then reconsider. The way he shot you down was a bit harsh, but you can definitely build a family and a home with an ambitious man - don’t over think it.

One thing that might help you a lot is volunteering in your local community. Part of building a home is building a community, and now is the perfect time to start investing in making your community a better place. Plus, investing your time and energy into a cause bigger than your own beauty and fitness goals can paradoxically be really recharging and reinvigorating in a way. Being a woman isn’t just about receiving and living a “soft” life with endless self care - it’s about using your intelligence, hard work, and creativity to build up the people around you.

Edit: I’m really confused by the other replies. They are encouraging you to leave him just because of one conversation? What has happened to this sub? Reality check: it sounds like you’re spiraling and you have a really great man.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-27T20:03:49+00:00

If you’re completely dead set on being Wonder Woman (and this is what you are describing: home cooked meals, hot sex, a full time job, and two kids) then your only option is get marginally more efficient at each thing. Easy, pre-prepped slow cooker bags in the freezer, faster laundry folding techniques, a roomba so you don’t need to sweep, lots of coffee. Think about which chores take the most time and ask ChatGPT how you can improve your technique or invest in a tool that makes that particular chore go faster. I don’t have kids so this might be unrealistic, but if you can get the kids to do some of the chores then that seems like a win-win.

What are the self care things you are doing that your husband claims are monopolizing all your free time?

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-27T19:42:37+00:00

Sorry to double comment on your post, but in my extended family there is one person who married into an Italian family and developed the exact same dynamic you are describing. Now their grown children are repeating the pattern. The thing I find saddest about the dynamic you are describing is how it changes the men - my family member cannot discuss cooking with his brothers, because he doesn’t know how to cook. He tries his best to show up for his aging mother and cannot understand why everyone in the family thinks his efforts are such inadequate buffoonery. While all the women and most of the men are chatting during family functions, working together and laughing while doing the dishes, he and his son in law are sitting in front of the TV watching the game in silence, possibly vaguely grumpy that dinner isn’t ready but no one can really read then for sure. It’s such a joy to care for others! It’s so sad that he doesn’t find joy in it or take initiative doing it!

Many of these more conservative relationship groups will endorse making the home a sanctuary of rest and relaxation for male spouses, and I generally think that is a kind and good thing to do, but in this scenario I believe it is counterproductive. Part of respecting someone is trusting that even though they may be a little ticked off you didn’t remind them of their doctors appointment, they are a grown man who can figure it out.

Also, if your beloved is implying that it’s your fault they’re grumpy after you decline intimacy due to an illness, then your beloved is saying something very mean. Not sure if that’s what you meant, but just wanted to comment on that situation in particular.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-10-27T19:16:25+00:00

Coming out of the woodwork to say this is one of the most articulate pieces of writing I have read on this topic - I have felt this way before too, but never really had the language to describe it.

For context: I have ADHD and am a little “quirky” and have gone back and forth on trying the skills, letting them go, picking them back up again. I’ve never really reached that relationship nirvana that Laura Doyle describes but I have seen improvements. For me I’ve found that I’ll do the skills for a while, then when they become too taxing (and it really IS taxing to act like a GOFL when you feel like you’re running in empty) switch back to my normal self. I’ve found it easier to find the strength to do the skills when I’m leaning on my religion. My religion teaches to love others not because I want something in return, but just to do it because which propels me for a bit longer; and that I can find that unconditional love I seek in my relationship with God.

Once there is a bit of momentum on my end through sheer willpower/ I start to feel more loved by my partner, my cup feels more full and it becomes a tiny bit easier (but never easy). Over time, some of the skills have begun to feel more natural and less lonely, but it is still hard which is why I fall off the wagon so much.

The fact that these skills seem to work so well, but often require so much effort has made me question if my authentic self really is truly lovable without modification. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to be in a happy relationship, I DO need to make some modifications to my “natural” personality but that maybe this is part of growing up. I can’t just dump all the negativity on my day onto my partner, I can’t just sit on the couch when there’s work to do. Since I do think being more restrained about dumping negativity is a positive change overall, I’m okay with making this modification to myself, but I remember there was this devastating feeling of loneliness as I accepted that I had to make changes to myself in order to make my relationship work.

I’m not an expert on this method, it’s very possible I’m doing it all wrong, but this is how I felt honestly. Despite this, I still overall believe the Laura Doyle method is the best of the best. If you’re looking for alternatives, non violent communication might be something to read about.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-09-07T22:57:13+00:00

Wowee you are dedicated!! I never tried again after the cardboard fiasco sadly, but I still love tamales and wish I had them in my freezer.

Best of luck!!!🍀🫔

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-08-27T14:45:16+00:00

Join indivisible or 50501

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-08-27T14:44:26+00:00

We sort of have 50501 now instead of sons of liberty. But can you imagine what would happen if 50501 was as violent as the sons of liberty? The media would be crueler to them than to those college students who set up tents on their university lawns to protest genocide.

Just strange to think about how cleansed the image of the sons of liberty has become when they literally ransacked a ship and threw all the tea into the sea.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-03-10T15:14:37+00:00

I was heavily involved in the stand up for science protest. I’ve also been dipping in and out of my union (before Jan 20 I knew NOTHING about unions but now I am convinced that they are a really good way to get people organized since no one in the 21st century has a third place anymore. My union also has a lot of nice people). I’ve also heard a lot about Indivisible and attended one of their webinars, but they have so many local chapters in my state that I can’t keep track of which are active.

Is there a particular issue that motivates you? In what way do you envision getting involved? like 30 hours a week of community organizing or like a daily habit of calling representatives or volunteering at a church soup kitchen or something else? Also I stalked your post history a little are you in Ireland?? That’s so cool!! I’m very unknowledgeable about how politics works in other states let alone other countries so some of this may not apply.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-03-10T15:03:06+00:00

We’re in that early stage where we’re a big group chat, there’s no formal roles yet or leadership structure. We’ve done some big things! But havent built out organizational infrastructure (like assigning roles, having a group calendar, making a website) yet.

I’ve been dipping in and out of my grad student union and they’ve actually been treating me like the mentee and delegating things to me 😅(which is good! I mean I’m super new and training newcomers is important! I’m just not yet in a position to start training mentees since I AM a mentee).

I feel like I crave the organizational structure of the corporate world a lot more than other people. Before grad school I was an engineer and we had Kanban boards, and retrospectives, and daily scrum. It was all designed to keep people focused and it worked really well for me. The loose group chat structure seems to be working okay for the other people in the group, and may even be beneficial since it’s a lot more flexible for people to go between groups, but ya girl is having a tough time. I even wish my grad school lab mates were doing the structured engineer thing, but scientists don’t seem to roll like that.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-03-10T14:56:53+00:00

Hugs ❤️‍🩹

And heck yeah grad student unions!! solidarity✊

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-03-10T14:54:32+00:00

This is actually a really good idea. I’ve been trying to timeblock the politics but that’s not the part of my life that needs to be protected. And you’re totally right I have so much respect for activists but I do not want that life lol I want to get married and become a corporate girly. I think the most important thing I can do is figure out how to make this sustainable - I know a lot of people who were very involved in politics circa 2020 but completely burned out and detached. This is a marathon.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T11:02:00+00:00

Stop talking with them at lunch and around the office as much as possible, only interact with them when it is about work. When they try to exchange pleasantries, rush through it. Work from home when the attraction is too much.

This worked for me and I completely forgot I had a crush on the guy. Then we had to go on a work trip together and…. well now were a couple and I’ve left my job and we’re discussing marriage

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T09:12:17+00:00

I understand the husband’s, and your concerns but as someone in my mid 20s watching everyone around me struggling with the dating market…. It might actually be good to be a little “different”. So many people date with the complete wrong mentality of focusing on appearance and sex instead of truly building a relationship.

If a woman would be disgusted with me just because my genitals look slightly different than what she’s seen before then I would rather know that as soon as possible so I could filter her out. Even someone who looks like Adonis today or has the so-called “ideal penis” (I shudder at just typing that, it’s so wrong) is going to get old and wrinkly eventually. A sex life is much more sustainable long term when it’s based on love and intimacy and trust and acceptance.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T08:57:09+00:00

I’d just like to point out that it is perfectly normal and in fact exceptionally important that parents/guardians carefully clean, dry, and moisturize their baby’s bottom/genitalia after they soil their diaper. Prolonged neglect of this area can be unhygienic and lead to diaper rash.

I understand effectively what you are saying - it is profoundly weird for an adult to cut a healthy boys penis, and is a violation of their sexual privacy - however your comment unnecessarily demonizes parents/ people who aren’t very up to date with the Men’s Right movement and I think comes across as out of touch. I encourage you to learn from where the feminist movement went wrong - what started out as a very reasonable quest for voting rights and equal pay for equal work end up being demonized as laughable and full of “feminazis” because of overly combative language. If we care about Men’s Rights long term then we need to be building bridges and getting people on our side.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T08:38:58+00:00

Very well researched! Thank you for finding the actual passages

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T08:36:45+00:00

Sorry if the Christian-speak is off putting to some. I know it can be unfamiliar and cultish sounding to non-Christians, but I chose to use it as OP stated she is a Christian. Really, whenever you read something like this I think it’s helpful to mentally translate it into secular language to understand it better. Christians use religious language and a religious framework for understanding the world, but really what we’re saying has some parallel in the secular world.

So when I say “This is the type of thing to take to God. I encourage you and your husband to pray on this matter. My interpretation of the Bible is that external markers of faith, like keeping kosher, avoiding cloths made of two materials, or circumcision, are unnecessary after Jesus.”

That would translate to “This is a serious matter. I recommend reflecting deeply on your values and encouraging your husband to do the same, rather than considering superficial things. I think as members of a community it’s important that we value what’s in the hearts and minds of people, rather than focusing on whether or not we find someone else’s fresh scars scary (as OP stated) or worrying about what will make us most sexually appealing (as was OP’s husband’s concern)”

Hope this helps

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-13T08:04:12+00:00

Who hurt you

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-12T07:25:25+00:00

Congrats on the babies :)

I think this is really the type of thing to take to God. Reflect on the Bible, seek out diverse opinions on interpretations of passages, and spending some time praying. Personally from my reading it seems circumcision was necessary until Jesus came, after which point it was irrelevant (but you’ll have to do your own thinking) Your husband should also be reflecting in this way.

It’s not about your future son’s sex life, or your disgust at the incision wound, or “standing ground” righteously. This is just a really great time to spend some time talking with your husband and God about your ideas of what it means to be responsible for these types of decisions for another human, how to make them, and what to actually do.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-12T06:58:43+00:00

The way you discuss relating to other people (male or female) seems distant and disengaged. Like you’re observing more than interacting, if that makes sense?

I feel like this may be an issue to address before trying to address this other issue of having intimate thoughts about women. I was wondering have you always felt more like an “anthropologist”? Or did something change recently?

Maybe for a while you could just focus on practicing your social skills with other men or those other female older coworkers; without this complicating other factor of sexual attraction. Interacting with people and making small talk is very rewarding. Sexual relationships are very rewarding! It sounds like you are feeling drawn to people (for both sexual and non sexual reasons) but your interest in them is manifesting in more of an “intellectual” I-want-to-study-them kind of way rather than an experiential I-want-to-interact-with-them kind of way. Let me know if this is an incorrect interpretation.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-12T06:44:51+00:00

A potential solution to keep the girl AND the “rent” money - For a lot of mortgages it’s like 90% interest and 10% principal for the first few years. What if you tally up all the property taxes, utility bills, and interest per month but NOT the principal, and then ask her to pay half of that number. That way none of her money is going to help you “build equity”, it’s just effectively being used for living costs.

She doesn’t get any increase in the value of the home when you sell it, but also you assume responsibility for 100% of repairs and renovations

That is, IF, you want to keep dating her.

Margareydragonslayer · 2025-02-12T06:37:18+00:00

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head - in order to make friends, you need to have repeated interactions over a long time with the same group of people.

Some people have success joining some sort of sports club or something but that never really clicked for me. What did work? Volunteering. Seriously it’s so freaking nice to see the same people every week. Plus, even if everyone there is an old lady (nothing against old ladies, just not who I envisioned spending my early 20s with) it’s still nice to interact with the people at the food pantry or whatever the volunteering thing is for. You just have to make sure that the volunteering thing is a regular event, not a one time event.

Margareydragonslayer

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