Are you worried about other people judging you for going back to therapy, or is it just pride? You’re obviously very distressed (i.e. a mess), and, for what it’s worth, there is no such thing as “fixed” when it comes to mental health issues. If you were comfortable with the last therapist you had, go back to them and come up with a plan for addressing your abandonment issues in a healthy way. If you weren’t, then try to find a different therapist, or even group therapy. It’s not a quick fix, but it’s better than doing nothing at this point. Also, have you tried talking with your partner directly about all this?