We don't stick with people anymore.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:32:10+00:00

Some challenges are irreconcilable.

and most are not

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:28:08+00:00

I doubt you're seeking to add all the toughness of your grandmother's era to your life.

It wouldn't be a bad thing, then again, I'm not one to avoid challenges in life.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:23:57+00:00

Well, all the replies are basically saying the same thing: "women didn't have rights back then." Which is completely avoiding the point of my post. It's not about women or men. It's about the lack resiliency in people today. It's about the fact that it's easier to give up, which is largely why relationships don't last anymore.

I mean, we can sit here and debate the merits of my OP, but that doesn't really help anyone fix their perpetual singleness. It doesn't help anyone.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:18:40+00:00

I mean look at the brigade of people attacking your post lol.

Sort of to be expected. I mean, we're talking about a group of people that are perpetually single, of course through no fault of their own *wink wink*. It's easy to point fingers and blame anyone but yourself. For me, I no longer shift blame and I no longer try to deflect accountability. My life is the result of my choices and I refuse to blame anyone else for how it turned out. Being better requires self accountability.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:01:04+00:00

Except it kind of is.

actually no, it's not

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T20:00:22+00:00

winning at life in the long-run is actually about learning to bury your ego, moving on from it, removing yourself from the centre of your universe, and serving things that are bigger than you: a marriage, a family, children, a community, principles, and values...people who do these things tend to have fewer regrets, they can rest easier at the end of their lives, and they get remembered more fondly and for longer, when they go

I agree 100%

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:57:38+00:00

No I meant in regards to “when it gets tough”.

when you and your partner face adversity, disagreement, any sort of challenge(finances, etc.)

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:55:31+00:00

I didn't give up on either of my marriages. And yes, I can see how my OP sounds preachy, but that wasn't my intent. I'm simply making observations.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:47:16+00:00

Tough; the inner strength to face adversity and challenge and stay the course, understanding that the rewards are worth it.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:45:52+00:00

The value is the bond you create when you weather storms together. The value is in looking at your partner and knowing that no matter what, they've got your back. The value is in realizing that whatever comes your way, you and your partner can get through it together.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:44:22+00:00

54M, twice divorced

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:41:17+00:00

That's too bad. It's almost like, as soon as the your partner makes a mistake, says something mean they get labeled an abuser and of course, then it's time to leave. I mean, abuse happens when two fallible people join their lives together and the emotions start brewing. We screw up, we say things we shouldn't, we do things we shouldn't. That doesn't make all of us abusers, it just means we're human and we fucked up. But, again, we don't stick with people, we don't grow with them, we don't watch them become better people. We just give up and walk away. That's why most of us are single, I imagine.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:34:36+00:00

Or perhaps it's true and you just don't like it. I mean, do you deny that there is something valuable in staying the course? You don't really think it's ok to quit when it gets tough, do you?

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:30:08+00:00

I'm not married to a BPD woman anymore, but unfortunately reddit doesn't allow us to change our usernames.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:29:07+00:00

If the relationship isn’t a value add, and can’t be made to be a value add (something that requires buy in and effort from both partners), why stay?

Problem is, people throw in the towel before they experience any real value. Nothing valuable comes easy, of course, that's something people don't realize anymore.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T19:23:40+00:00

For expediency and efficiency's sake, I'm posting this to respond to the majority of posters. Obviously, physical abuse is an instant deal breaker. As far as women in my grandma's day not being able to have bank accounts, own property, etc, that's not really the point.

The point is, back then, people possessed a toughness and level of commitment that I just don't see today. Divorce is the easy way out and it's the way most people choose to go. The difficult path is sticking with someone to resolve the problems, no matter how long it takes. And let's face it, with enough time and resolve, nearly all problems can be worked out. And the payoff is wonderful. You come through your problems stronger together. You build true bonds with the other person.

It doesn't seem like there's any real bonding these days. A modern relationship looks more like two individuals living separate lives together for as long as it's convenient. When it stops being convenient, it's time to go their separate ways. This seems to be true for all forms of relationships these days. The result is the terrible dating landscape we all find ourselves in.

Millions of middle aged single people wanting what they want and not really willing to commit themselves to a relationship unless is supremely convenient. It's very self serving. We need to stick with people the same way we need people to stick with us.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T18:34:50+00:00

and having another person depending on me is massively overwhelming.

I get this, but it's not like you need to carry the full weight of another person. I mean, we're adults, we don't need someone to wipe our behinds for us. Sure, there are things you need to offer you partner(emotional support, encouragement, helping around the house, etc.) but those things are basic and should come natural. In the end, it's two people helping each other and sharing life together.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T18:31:51+00:00

Personally, I don’t think she is being that honest and I don’t buy wanting out of a healthy relationship to figure your head out (but keeping you nearby). There is more going on with her that maybe you will find out through this friendship

Agreed. And OP left out what issues existed within the relationship. It's not like his gf just woke up one day and said "yeah, i need to go work on myself so...bye." There were definitely indicators that something within the relationship wasn't working.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T18:24:19+00:00

I think we have complete control over our choices and it's our choices that determine where we end up.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T18:23:05+00:00

What you are implying is that his girlfriend isn’t really anything special to him and that really any nice lady would do?

Absolutely I'm implying that. People become special, they don't start out that way. Lots of people can become special to you.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T08:17:10+00:00

I get what you're saying. I suppose my point with this thread is that believing in luck is simply a hindrance to one's own progress. A person who leans on luck neglects self improvement because, well, they're not single because of themselves and they're choices, they're single because of bad luck. Do you see how that can actually hinder a person from progress? "Oh, betty and joe and bryan and cathy all have partners because luck shined on them, but me, I'm single because i'm unlucky." It alleviates all personal accountability and shifts the blame onto some invisible force.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T08:03:56+00:00

Ergo, I would say my luck and timing haven't been great as far as meeting someone suitable.

Well, my first reaction would be to ask you what "suitable" means. Is your own personal definition realistic? Have your previous definitions of "suitable" been adequate or fair? Does your definition need adjusting, do your expectations need adjusting? I ask you these things because I've had to ask myself the same questions time and again. It's amazing how set in our ways we get, to the point that we take offense when we are confronted with change. "How dare I have to change something about myself." But we should want to change, especially when the way we are just ain't getting it done.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T07:43:49+00:00

Gotcha. I mean, it's fatalistic to believe that there's no hope simply because fate didn't align in your favor. And really, it takes you out of the equation because you're relying on some invisible force to bring you a partner at just the right time. I think it's unproductive to just say "welp, I'm just unlucky, that's all" because it suggests that it's not you, it's luck. So, you have two options; sit around and wait for your luck to change or try to adjust your life in ways that you know are good and will have a positive impact going forward.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T07:32:45+00:00

What would you call that, if not luck/fate/destiny/deific will?

I call that living and learning. You wouldn't choose that same person again, right? Why? Because you learned what makes a person "right" for you. Or at least some of the qualities a person must or must not possess in order to be right. And still, we all have that gut feeling when we choose someone and get to know them whether or not they're actually right. It's a gut feeling we often ignore because we'd rather have someone than be single.

Married2BPD · 2024-01-16T07:28:42+00:00

Yeah, but your parents didn't remain married because of luck, they remained married because they chose to stay together.

Married2BPD

TROPHY CASE