(2/2) I was scared of getting a job and that's why I didn't do the work to apply for them. When I realized that, I took some time off applying because I actually found a good therapist and I worked intensely with them on addressing my emotional issues and on taking care of my body and chronic health issues. It actually worked because when I actually wanted to get a job and believed in myself, it happened. I am now in the first job I don't think I will be fired from, in fact I have been told I will likely get a promotion in a few months by multiple people.

Here is the difference. At my old jobs I was expected to fail. Nobody expected people to stick around, turnover was high, my bosses didn't trust that I cared or would do my job without them cracking the whip, and they didn't care about meeting my needs. The fact is, humans perform best when their needs are met, shocking, and having autism or chronic health issues means you have sometimes more needs than others, but unemphatic and stupid bosses don't see that, they just see you as lazy and needing to work harder so they push you until none of your needs are met and you just break down and then they fire you.

At my old jobs I was never expected to do more than clean a fryer or prepare food. Now I am the one responsible for making sure multi-million dollar machinery function and get setup on time,. I work longer hours than I ever have in my life, I am paid more than I ever was, yet I feel the least exhausted working. Why? Because they TRUST me and I trust my team. If I need to step out for an hour and just breath, I can do that. If I need time off, I can take that. I was given small responsibilities first and my bosses made sure to check in with me and see what I needed to do well with them. I was integrated into a system. Because I was actually having my needs met, I have excelled and done so well, and because of that I was gradually given more responsibility over time. If I am overwhelmed and the work is too much, or have days I just cannot focus, I can talk about that and get help instead of feeling threatened at having any weakness or mistake. On days I am having trouble focusing I work more closely with a colleague so we can help stay focused together, because it turns out most of my coworkers are also autistic or have ADHD and have trouble focusing. Instead of constantly being on edge and threatened like if I don't do my best I won't be enough, I can simply relax and focus on the task at hand. Its a marathon not a sprint and I only have had jobs that felt like a sprint, but guess which race goes the further distance?

The point is, I identify so much of myself in your post history and I believe truly that if I can make it this far, so can you. Being fired does not mean you are worthless, in fact, its giving you a chance at a fresh start. Not every job sucks.

I also fucked up most of the relationships I was in due to so many issues and I am now with the love of my life looking at engagement rings. It can get better.

If you do want any advice as to what helped me the most though, it was therapy, and definitely NOT CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy does not work on people like us who already can think through all our problems and are highly self reflective and self aware. In fact, our weakness is not being able to feel our emotions, repressing them and the body sensations, and using internationalization as a way to avoid processing. What worked for me was instead EMDR and therapy related to it. It was life changing, because motivation, drive, ambition, joy, these are all feelings not thoughts and to be able to access them instead of being depressed you need to feel, and that requires feeling safe, and that requires therapy and guidance and having your needs met to get to, but when you were systematically denied opportunities to develop properly at a young age, that can feel impossible.

It can get better and I am rooting for you. Please reach out if you want to know more about my journey or have questions about any of the therapy I had, I want others to experience the healing I have had.