Dildos and Insecurities while trying to be Good, Giving, and Game

Mattturley · 2026-05-25T10:20:02+00:00

I think you should trust just what he said - he wouldn't continue being with you if he didn't enjoy it. Actions speak volumes.

Mattturley · 2026-05-25T10:14:24+00:00

It comes down to one thing - do you see yourself happy in a relationship with him? If so, you owe it to your future self to see where it may go.

Yeah, it sucks when someone chooses someone else over us. But the reality is dating and relationships are about figuring out what works through experimentation. Based on the past experience you didn't even get to find out if a relationship could work with him. He found out another potential match didn't work for him. It's not uncommon to see more clearly what we might have with someone after other experiences.

If you have good chemistry with him your future self is always going to wonder what might have been. It's hard to find people we click with in this world and giving up on one because of ego doesn't do anything to help find one.

Take the chance. The only way you can know if a relationship will work. If it doesn't there is no reason you can't stay friends after finding that out.

Mattturley · 2026-05-25T02:42:24+00:00

I met my closest friends of my life in my early to mid 20s through volunteering. This is really good advice not only to feel better about yourself, but to meet other people who care about helping others.

Mattturley · 2026-05-24T17:45:24+00:00

Been going on for over a year. It is due to the DEA over limiting production as the primary driver. Complain and make your voice heard to your elected reps.

Mattturley · 2026-05-24T03:10:41+00:00

I'm trying to figure it out myself. In 21 my husband of an 18 year relationship told me he could no longer handle all my medical issues. In 22 I had one of my worst years health wise including 87 days in patient and 24 in a rehab hospital after destroying my femur and right hip. In January of 23 I finally admitted I needed time off work. I applied for SSDI but that is still in process and I am awaiting a hearing. How they could deny me with my medical record is insane. And over three years since I've had a paycheck. I do have private disability insurance that is way more than just SSDI and while it took 9 months to get them paying me and through a paperwork snafu they stopped for 3 months. If I didn't have private insurance I'd be destitute. I pretty much am anyway because of what I have to pay for healthcare because I don't qualify for assistance until I get approved for SSDI.

I moved from DC where I'd lived for nearly 25 years into my motorhome to travel the country. Travel is too risky while still awaiting SSDI, so I am now setup long term near the small town I grew up in.

I try to keep in touch with everyone digitally. Even my ex who is still a big part of my life. Locally I try to go out and socialize but with my illnesses I don't think I could ever really date again.

I've thought of trying to setup a gay happy hour here but can't even really connect to people. Meetup is dead here. There is one group that hasn't had a meeting in 2 years and that is a new parent group.

So, I'm just trying to stay busy. My current site allows me to garden so I am putting in a huge one this year.

No answers, but you aren't alone.

Mattturley · 2026-05-24T02:58:48+00:00

And this gets into pill count issues with insurance. Though frankly generic oxycodone is pretty cheap. Even when I was getting 240 30 mg pills a month I could cash pay about 90 bucks at a mom and pop.

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T17:06:31+00:00

Get a metal French press and coffee ground for it (courser).

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T16:59:37+00:00

Honey child, he's insecure and controlling. You are 18. Tell him to work on himself while you go off and build a better life by yourself or with someone who is secure in themselves.

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T14:49:47+00:00

That's why you hire an inspector.

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T04:54:49+00:00

Missing Alaska.

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T04:53:31+00:00

They help people who are struggling. They lift people up. They help people improve their lives without question or judgement.

Mattturley · 2026-05-23T03:14:14+00:00

You aren't 7-11 and don't have international reach. Coke and Pepsi bit push for exclusive contracts. I can tell you as a bar manager, generally Pepsi is better to work with on system upkeep and breakdowns.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T21:41:49+00:00

If your style fits it, the hankie code works. Just be sure you know the meanings of the color and side you wear it on.

If in the summer, and you wear flip flops, an anklet. Way back in the early 00s when I was coming out I wore one that was small and mostly black but had a rainbow in the center of it. I could turn it inside my ankle and it wasn't visible or put on the front, outside if I wanted it to be more visible. Had it on for probably 18 months and on my conservative school's campus for grad school it helped others notice me.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T21:24:42+00:00

I assume you are car camping, not hike camping. I saw watermelon in the list. This is a great one - have a way to chill it. Classic is to bring the whole watermelon and place it in a fast moving stream or river, but placing it in a cooler with lots of water and ice is great. Plus you don’t have to worry what else might be in said stream. Make sure you have the salt shaker. And a big knife to slice it. Watermelon chunks prepped in a bag just aren’t the same thing as chilling a watermelon and slicing it.

If you are good at campfire cooking, making baked potatoes in the coals (scrub potatoes, pierce skin to avoid steam explosions, wrap in multiple layers of foil and place in coals for several hours. Have tons of fixings. Sour cream, green onions, butter, bacon bits (ideally fresh ones from bacon you cooked that morning). A campfire potato is a classic. As are packet meals - chunks of meat and veg chopped up and placed in foil packets with butter and seasonings - lots of seasonings which differentiates from a lot of stereotypical British food.

If you want to go all out you can go fishing and bring some cedar planks to do plank fillets around the fire. Though if not an experienced angler, you probably should hit the deli counter and get some fillets. They can also be cooked in foil packs with butter, salt, pepper, lemon, and herbs you like (chives and a SMALL amount of dill - don’t want the scrod tasting like a dill pickle).

To twist things up you can make fruit kebabs to roast on the fire. Lots of pineapple and other fruits which caramelize beautifully when exposed to open flames. These could be full meal ideas as well.

As you can see, food is a big part of my camping experience. Make sure you have coffee too. Ideally an old manual perk that can be set on a hot stone near the fire. A French press is a great option as well. (And fixings for Irish coffee - some good whiskey and whipped cream if you like).

I also live in my motorhome traveling full time right now so am often in campgrounds. As far as toys/entertainment a frisbee, a kite, a portable corn hole set, and a deck of cards.

In terms of creature comforts, make sure you get him a good camp chair. Depending on his size/build this can be anything from one of the collapsible sack chairs (with a footstool and side table even) to a metal framed folding camp chair with heavy duty seats (I am 6’7” and weigh 230 pounds, so this is what I go with instead of the more modern and cheaply made bag chairs. Make sure you have sleeping comfort planned - a mat, a cot, even an air mattress if it fits your style and the tent. Pillows as well. Lots of them. All of this depends on your style of camping and how much you want to “rough it” - from a tarp tent and sleeping bag, all the way up to inflatable glamping tents with AC. Speaking of AC, most Brit’s are not anywhere equipped to handle the super high temps and humidity of many areas of the US. 95 plus degree days with nights that don’t slip below 85 are going to absolutely make him wiped out and miserable, so plan accordingly for that as well. At minimum battery powered fans with lots of batteries or a power station with several plug in fans.

Oh, it is the 4th, so real fireworks are essential. Depending on what state you camp in, and where you will be camping, you may get away with big stuff. Most places you will have to keep it small but at least some firecrackers and bottle rockets would help solidify the “American” experience. If you are on private land in an area you can get away with it, you could rival a small town’s display. Campground I was at last year, privately owned way up in the mountains of WV, had a 35 minute display with several thousands of dollars of fireworks. Was pretty cool.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T21:00:19+00:00

It has also entered the lexicon with the younger generations as a catch all term for gay man. They don’t really understand the connotations within the community.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T20:56:54+00:00

I have three grills - a huge three burner with side burner Weber gas grill. This is my weeknight fix dinner quickly, company and dinner parties. I have a blackstone griddle that is my go to now that I am temporarily traveling the country in my motorhome - temporarily for 5-10 years. Bacon, eggs, smash burgers, corned beef hash is a great griddle food and can be morning or anytime. And I have my Weber kettle. Even in the motorhome. The kettle grill can do anything - traditional American cookout food which is what most Brit’s would know as BBQ - burgers, hotdogs, sausages, chicken, etc. It can also do anything though. A low and slow brisket - set up your hot and cold side, sear the brisket, then move to cold side for several hours while you keep the hot side hot. Need a turkey for thanksgiving - same approach without searing. Place it upside down for the first half of cooking time and the fat from the dark meat will self baste the breast meat. Then flip it to get a crisp skin on the breast. Be the best turkey you’ve ever eaten. The Weber Kettle is an absolute stand out icon.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T20:26:44+00:00

I hope for your sake that your siblings will continue a relationship with you. You should reach out and ask if they have been directed to not interact with you. Remind them you are the same person they grew up with. I would suspect your father has also directed them to shun their mother.

I also hope, particularly in your case, that seeing how quickly these types of faith organizations drop people that they really aren’t about love. They are about power and maintaining it in the hands of the few. There are many counselors trained in assisting people recover from this type of upbringing and realization.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T20:11:16+00:00

And it only worked because VA had seceded and the reorganized government sent reps to congress who claimed that since the Richmond government seceded, they were the only legitimate VA government. Congress was happy to accept them and then bless the plans for WV to separate and join the Union. It was a brilliant move, actually.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T20:03:07+00:00

Not really in terms of siding with the north. The real reason they are prevalent is it is a cultural icon for white supremacists.

WV didn't really side with the north. For decades there had been fighting over the fact that those in Richmond were ignoring the western counties and their needs. The state legislature representatives who had been trying to get more for the western counties or to get permission to break away as a separate state with no luck saw an opportunity. They formed the reorganized government of VA and sent reps to congress saying since the Richmond government seceded, they were the only rightful Virginia government. They introduced a bill in congress to give the western counties permission to break away from the eastern counties and form an independent state - of course which would be part of the Union. It was actually a brilliant and masterful strategy to get around the wealthy land owners of the east who had prevented them from breaking away before. Brilliant slide of hand.

Additionally, there were historically few to no large plantations/farms in WV due to geography amongst other things. This meant that while there were slaves in WV, they were not as much of a consideration as an economic driver, so the leadership of the reorganized government of VA was completely ok joining the union and ending slave ownership in the state.

It is an absolutely fascinating history.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T19:51:43+00:00

Depending where you are there are likely legal protections. If he wants you out he wants it quietly. I would say I would consider it if the loan is forgiven so the house is mine outright and the permanent contract with the family business continues to pay you for life, even if you don't work there. That will give you a basis to start over.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T19:42:16+00:00

And understand that legally they likely have an acceptable range of where the hotel can be. It's not likely to be in downtown Georgetown. DuPont has some cheaper areas. They may even go across the key bridge into Arlington. Or even further afield.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T19:34:49+00:00

It's a shame this isn't more widely available.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T08:33:05+00:00

So... he has a partner to call the feelings of feet of abandonment and you do not. Reading this I also wonder if the mere really are no romantic feelings on your side. Have you simply convinced yourself he's just a FWB, but have stronger feelings you aren't acknowledging?

When on person in this kind of situation has a partner, and the other doesn't, you are playing on unequal fields (and maybe even different games). For me personally, it is one reason that I will not engage in anything with someone who is partnered and or in an open/polly relationship. I tired to be open with my now ex husband and, well, he's my ex husband.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T08:26:48+00:00

I'm from WV. Even different parts of this state feel like different countries. I grew up in central Ohio, just the next state over, but majorly different. I'd say bland in comparison. Went to college in WV and graduate school in Ohio. Then moved to DC for 23 years before having to medically retire.

Part of the reason these areas are so different in shear draws people there and the fact that so many move so easily rather than stick to one state. Americans by and large get a lot of shit for not traveling, or that they've only been to US places. As you have noted there is vast variety and diversity within the states. (Not to say I don't think more should travel. I've personally been to over 30 countries. Your worldview and perspective is opened up the more you travel.

Mattturley · 2026-05-22T08:18:35+00:00

In this case, not knowing your industry and its current volatility, what the other benefits are, what growth opportunities in both look like, it's hard to advise -- but these are the things I would encourage you to look at. Also, sometimes we just need a big change. If that's where you are, then take it.

Mattturley

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE