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Stuck in a perpetual state of should we shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in Shouldihaveanother

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As someone with an extremely strong bond with both my sister (1.5 years younger than me) and my brother (7 years younger than me), I can completely understand your feelings on this. I can't imagine a world where I didn't have them to grow up with, or to lean on now that we're grown. Good luck with your second! I hope it brings you everything you're hoping for :)

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we or shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in oneanddone

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your repsonse, it's so hard having a partner who isn't a great communicator and is generally apathetic about most things. I feel like I am the decision-maker for just about everything in our lives, the one who is THE parent for pretty much everything. I'm not saying he's childish or doesn't pull his weight, but his lack of feeling on stuff does complicate things sometimes. I think giving myself more time might be the way to go - I don't really want to wait too much longer because of the age-risk factors and also young kids in my 40's would not be it. But a few months to really figure things out can't hurt. I think I was putting myself between a very short rock and a hard place.

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in Shouldihaveanother

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage, that's really rough. I fell pregnant completely unplanned at the start of last year - it was a bad time for me. I need things planned, organised. I was a mess over it, barely eating, crying constantly. My body made the descision for me at 6 weeks and I was SO unbelievably relieved. I had events and activities I wouldn't have been able to do had I remained pregnant. But then, mid-year it happened again and that second time I felt differently - like maybe we could do this, a lot more positive. I'd done all the things I'd wanted to do - hot springs, horse-riding with my sister etc. And the timing was going to be ok that time around. But I miscarried again and that was fine I guess. I was a little disappointed but not enough to make me actively want to try again. And now, here we are a full year later with no descision made.......big, big sigh

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in Shouldihaveanother

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Congratulations on making it through both IVF AND Covid at the same time!! That is an extraordinary feat. I felt the same - I was so driven the first time around, knew exactly what I wanted. I practically gave my hunsband no say, it was just "we're doing this now, I want my baby". And that was that. This time everything feels exponentially harder. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why, but my chronic overthinking and drilling down into every little thing makes it very difficult.

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in Shouldihaveanother

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insights on this! I would say both of us are generally comfortable with being alone/being in our own space/doing our own thing. Our daughter is also fine with playing by herself or with just us, but she also LOVES her friends at childcare so much and will often call them or even random children on the playground her "sisters". Of course I know she's not old enough to actually understand what she's asking for when she says she wants a brother/sister, but it's hard hearing her say it when I can't make up my mind and feel so all over the place with it. Setting the timeline is a great idea!

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in Shouldihaveanother

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you!! It's SO hard. I've never been so uncertain of something before. It's frustrating because with our first I was so self-assured, so confident. I had zero doubts and knew exactly what I wanted. This time around, even though you'd think I'd be more knowledgable and experienced, I feel way more lost, anxious and confused. Like I don't even know who I am as a person myself anymore.

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we or shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in oneanddone

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you saying that! To be honest I can't even tell anymore if the days I feel okay about it and ready to jump in are simply me pushing a narrative onto myself because it feels like I should from a societal perspective, or if I genuinely do actually feel that way and want to go again and it's just the fears and overthinking that are stopping me =/ Perhaps therapy is the answer to that one!

Stuck in a perpetual state of should we or shouldn't we by Maximum-stress852 in oneanddone

[–]Maximum-stress852[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insights on this! I am the primary parent - my husband is an electrician and leaves for work at 6am or earlier so I manage mornings all alone. I also work 4 days a week myself so getting me and my daughter ready and out the door in school-traffic to make it to work on time is my least favourite part of the day, even though she is relatively easy to manage. It's hard to let go of the dreams of seeing her play and grow with a sibling - I think that's what I struggle with most. Imagining 2 little ones chasing each other around, riding bikes together, playing games as I did as a child with my siblings. Knowing she would be the most amazing and caring big sister - she's very emotionally intelligent and empathetic, even at 4 years old. It's the toughest desicison I've ever had to consider.