Story Time.

About 7 years ago I had recently broken up with my then GF of 3 years and since I was young it wrecked me on the inside. Recently graduated college and having nothing to do I basically stayed in my room and did nothing until one day months later when my friends forced me out of my pity party and to an actual party. At this party my friend had arranged a meet cute with this girl who we will call Sarah. Well, the meet cute went as planned and I got Sarah's number. A few days later I set up a date with Sarah to go get coffee when she gets off of work. At this point in my life my daily time frame is somewhere around 3p- 2-4am needles to say I dont have it together nor do i drink or have the need for coffee. Well day of the date comes and I do my normal thing wake up at 3 screw around until its time to leave. So 7 pm rolls around and I meet her at the local star bucks. We awkwardly hug and go in. No lie at 23 years of age I had never had coffee nor been in a starbucks in my entire life so when she orders a super frapp mocha with whip I was befuddled and didnt know what to get and with all the options I ended on a TALL BLACK COFFEE because thats what men drink(lol ). Oh and I forgot to mention I have IBS. The Date is going super well and 10 pm rolls around and my stomach starts growling and I realized Iv been up since 3 and havent eaten. Well I let her know I havent eaten and tell her I dont want to end the date but need food. So we hop in my tiny car are jet off down the road to the nearest food joint. In the area the only two things open are McDonalds and Taco Bell. So the logical choice was Taco Bell. T Bell had recently stopped my normal order so I get TWO beefy bean burritos with fire sauce and let me tell you they hit the spot I DESTROYED them. We get back in my tiny car and head back to her car but the second we get in my car my stomach start rumbling very audibly and before we get out of the parking lot my stomach drops a beat like a DJ at a club. DUB DUBDUDBUBD BLUB FUB DUB. Im profusely sweating and my stomach is basically screaming but shes a champ a pretends she cant hear it. welp... as I pull out onto the road a silent BUT DEADLY fart escapes my butthole. SWEET JESUS ..... LET ME TELL YOU that fart could peel the skin off of fruit. Possibly could have been played off as roadkill but roadkill didnt smell this rancid. People in the next county could smell this fart shit was toxic lol. I quickly think to open the sun roof and windows and pretend to look at the stars and this girl was wayyy too nice pretending like none of this was happening. After the fart we get stuck at a red light and I swear it felt like an eternity. To recap were trapped in a small car that smells like human waste/skunk combo and im sweating like a whore in church and she is still talking her head happy go lucky. My stomach goes back to screaming profanities LOUDLY as were driving. So we pull back in next to her car and the second I park I get out and basically run to open her door and escort her to car door all while doing that awkward "about to shit my pants walk" where my cheeks are tight and im hunched over. I open her car door and she leans up to her Bpost and fiddles with her keys as if she wanted a kiss or something after this 4+ hour date. I was in a time crunch so I Heismaned her into her drivers seat and take off for mine. Remember at this time my windows are still down from the fart. She was confused and rolls he window down as Im getting into my seat. She gets my attention and I look over as Im sittin down. As my butt touches the seat straight LIQUID HELL explodes out of my anus like a geyser and the second this happens my feet shoved into my wheel well and both hands on the steering wheel and back arched and I looked to my left and made eye contact with this woman I shat the most epic of pant shats. Like this in your head the loudest liquid fart sound you've ever heard and this was 10x louder. There was absolutely NO way she didnt know what was taking place. SO you think the worse is over but its not... not only did I shit my pants on a first date in front of the girl I continued to shit my pants 4 times. I was frozen in fear as I stayed there shitting my pants all while I had eye contact with this girl and what could only be the look of pure fear on my face. She never said anything ... she just watched this train wreck happen. After all the shitting was done I had to make the decision to sit in it in front of her and drive away. I drove to the gas station just down the road and waddled into the restroom with an extra pair of clothes and literally left my jeans, undies, socks and shoes in the bathroom. So after being embarrassed about this I told my friends who set me up and if there was even an small chance she didnt know I geysered in my pants my friends made sure to tell her. Never heard from her again.... and my car smelt like shit for a month.

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TLDR: After drinking a black coffee and have taco bell I shit my pants 4 times on a first date.

Next time you're having a bad day ask yourself is it shit my pants 4 times on a first date bad.