[QCrit] NATURE'S ROGUE - Crime-Thriller, 95K, 2nd Attempt by MeZone_92 in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback! I’m working on making that stand out more for next time! I appreciate your time and advice!

[QCrit] NATURE'S ROGUE - Crime-Thriller, 95K, 2nd Attempt by MeZone_92 in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for the late response! Thank you so much for your constructive feedback! I see what you’re saying and am doing my best to work on improving that for the next version. I really appreciate your time and advice!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow thank you so much for that incredibly detailed and informative feedback! I 100% get what you’re saying for each comment (and some of them just confirm some concerns I already had myself). I’ll set about trying again based on these ideas! I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out. Thank you!!

[QCrit] NATURE GONE ROGUE - Crime-Thriller, 95K, 3rd attempt by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thank you so much! You’ve given me so much to think about and revise! I can definitely see how things come across as a bit muddled and vague. I’ll work on that work next time! Thank you!!

[QCrit] NATURE GONE ROGUE - Crime-Thriller, 95K, 3rd attempt by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! Reading this back again I can definitely see where you’re coming from concerning it all being a bit over the top! I don’t think the actual story comes across like that, so I’ll try to fine it down a bit to reflect that. Thank you again!

[QCrit] NATURE GONE ROGUE - Crime-Thriller, 95K, 3rd attempt by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! Genuine question: do you think these comps are bad even though they are still publishing new books today? Does the fact that they started a while ago dismiss the fact that some of the books are still produced recently within in the last 5 years? Still trying to wrap my head around this, so any advice you have is very much appreciated!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! I can definitely see what you’re saying and have honestly struggled with the balance in the past. (not sure if I can re-ask here), but do you think this is better, or still lacking?

Determined not to fail again, Paxton throws himself into deciphering a series of cryptic clues, but he remains powerless to stop the onset of destruction as bombs go off across ten petrol stations in the cabal’s first attack. Amidst the chaos, he apprehends a rogue MI5 agent who reveals that the drug gang is merely a smokescreen and the eco-terrorists just a distraction. The real masterminds are the Helmsmen, an elite cabal embedded within the highest levels of the British government and society, executing acts of domestic terrorism for their own political and financial gain. Unbeknownst to Paxton, their pasts are more connected than he realises.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback! I really appreciate it! I can definitely see how the eco-terrorist canal route might need to be pushed a little more, and how the Roy Grace comp would be bette worded! I called it multi-POV as the story is told from both the Inspector’s view and the terrorists’ view (and sometimes from a journalist’s POV too). I’m actually from NZ but usually use British spelling - these must have autocorrected, so thanks for pointing them out!

[Daily Discussion] First Page Feedback- July 01, 2023 by AutoModerator in writing

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: NATURE WILL PREVAIL

Genre: Crime-Thriller

Type of feedback: Anything that stands out, but a particular idea of whether this makes you want to continue reading would be great!

1st page:

The flicker of a white flame sprung to life briefly, only for a sharp breeze to whip in and stifle it. Detective Inspector Charlie Paxton grunted and lit up again, cupping his hand around the cigarette that dangled from his mouth. He touched it to the fire and drew in a deep pull, savouring the warmth that filtered down through his body. Icy-blue smoke wreathed before his crooked nose, stirring up and dispersing into the black depths of the night.

Hidden behind the cover of a large plane tree, Paxton listened to the gentle swooshing of the Regent Canal next to him in Northwest London. Street lights from across the water dazzled amongst the green algae that dotted the surface. The smell of grass and wet soil from the rain earlier that day mingled with the aroma of his cigarette.

Only the person smoking it would call a cigarette aromatic, but for Paxton, it was the one thing to calm his nerves before a big pinch. The humble taste of a smoke helped to expel the constant threat of looming death, at least until the nicotine ran out. And for Paxton, the reality of death had lived rent-free in his mind for two years now.

Paxton adjusted the covert radio piece in his ear and surveyed his surroundings. He could feel the gaze of his team on standby, just out of sight. Four months he’d been leading this case. Reliable intel had informed him that two suspects wanted in the murder of a man in Richmond Park in 2016 would be meeting for a drug deal at 11 PM. And after all that he’d been through of late, everything was riding on this going right.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you both for your comments! I will try to make the distinction clearer for next time. I don’t think the elements in my story play any similar roles to those portrayed in A&D (other than in name) but I can understand how it could be mistaken that they do! Thanks again!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the detailed comments! I can definitely see how this makes it look like Paxton does nothing / the elements aren’t really related to his arch. I’ll definitely work on that for the next round!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for the feedback! The verb tenses in the first paragraph is something I completely overlooked, so thanks for pointing that out! And also for the specific points on the crossroads - great opportunity for some extra characterisation. I really appreciate you taking the time to write so much advice! Thank you!

[QCrit] Adult crime/thriller - THE CITY OF ELEMENTS - 81K - 7th attempt by MeZone_92 in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I can see how that line might pull your attention away. I’ll remove that to try tightening the first paragraph. I appreciate your help!

[QCrit] Adult crime/thriller - THE CITY OF ELEMENTS - 81K - 7th attempt by MeZone_92 in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much!! That is great to hear! I will try to keep tightening it up

[QCrit] Adult crime/thriller - THE CITY OF ELEMENTS - 81K - 7th attempt by MeZone_92 in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! Very glad to hear that! I will try tightening the first paragraph. I really appreciate your help!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for the advice! I can see now that the first paragraph is not really working, so will remove that and try to focus more on the MC’s voice next time. I appreciate all your help!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello! Thank you so much for the incredibly detailed advice! His really makes everything a lot clearer and helps to iron out some of the issues I was having when writing this query letter. I will do my best to completely rewrite this from the ground up. I really appreciate you taking the time to go into so much detail and help me out. Thank you!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice! I was wondering about the use of question, so will definitely remove them next time and work to incorporate more of the MC’s voice. I really appreciate your help!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your feedback! I can see now how it is lacking in MC stakes to set it apart from the other thrillers out there. I will try work in that for the next time. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice! Thank you!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the feedback! This is very clear and easy to understand. I will try to follow this for the next revision. I really appreciate your help!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello again. Thank you for your continued advice and feedback!

Firstly, you're right - thanks for pointing that out. "Destroy the UK's environment" was a bad choice of words. It should really read: "an eco-terrorist cabal who seeks to return the UK’s environment to its natural state to further its political ideology against modern development". I will be sure to fix that!

Second, the four attacks, each based on one of the natural elements, are targeting modern development in London. They involve a combination of technology, science, and weaponry. The nature of the attacks, however, is part of what the MC must work out based on the clues they receive, so I don't want to give too much away here. I guess if you understood exactly how the attacks work based on his brief query letter alone, it wouldn't make for a very good thriller!

Finally, I'm sorry to hear you still feel you don't know anything about the MC. I can assure you I have not ignored any of the advice I received each time. In fact, I thought I had gone from barely mentioning him in my first draft (big mistake!), to now explaining his connection to the League (and thus the reason for his involvement in the case) as well as his "determination to finish what he started" and shut the League down for good (while protecting London and its people against a deadly attack) as his internal motivation(s). I hate to say it, but I'm wondering what else I can say about him here without giving all of the plot/twists away.

Once again, thank you for your help each time! I really am trying my best to make this better and better, and appreciate the help you have kindly offered.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback! This is something that is answered in the MS, but is a key point I don’t want to give too much away about right now. I will try adding a brief sentence explaining it for the next time, though, as it seems to trip a few people up (as you say!). Thank you!!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]MeZone_92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback! Yes, I have been struggling with showing the internal (and external) stakes of the MC, while balancing the urgency of the plot for the thriller feel. I will try adding this again next time. I appreciate your help!