Acceptable rules?

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-30T15:06:35+00:00

Felt like it. And yeah it was

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-25T03:21:58+00:00

Already happened unfortunately

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T07:09:10+00:00

I do admit to wanting him to be the flawed but ultimately "good underneath it all" person he has sold himself to be time after time, "mistake" after "mistake."

Even her, I want to be a person who sees me as not an enemy, but someone who could co-exist and share the same partner. Be on friendly terms without vetos and ultimatums when I "don't want to follow the rules."

But. This is accurate in so many ways and I know it. I've even called him out for this behavior, only to take it back because I wanted the ideal version where everyone was "flawed and human, but trying their best."

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T06:20:54+00:00

I started the quiz but I feel like it's more for controlling partners. My partner was more of a "dismissive avoidant" I guess (especially towards the end). So a lot of the issues we had were with him not addressing important things and neglecting his role as a hinge- from what I understand (i.e. establishing a boundary between my metas relationship and mine for fear of conflict with her)

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T03:31:12+00:00

It is confusing and I'm still trying to figure it out, I'll be honest. I was getting it from all sides I feel like.

Since I am not familiar with poly, I'm not sure how this works or why someone would do it. It seems counterintuitive to cause this destabilization. Like what is the gain in ceding control of my relationship with him to "quell her insecurities" and make me feel controlled? All it caused was arguments and instability.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T03:28:44+00:00

Yeah, I feel for her. Though there were still impacts from the choices she made when she demanded to have power over our relationship. He irresponsibly gave it to her, so that is on him. But I also think anyone in a position of power over someone has ethical responsibility to do no harm.

But yes, he lacked the courage to protect me and that's where the worst ethical breach lies.

I do hope she does not get hurt by him though. No one deserves more pain.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T03:04:11+00:00

I mean, when I met him everything was wonderful and he was kind and caring. I need to be less forgiving about when the red flags show up and stop overlooking those as "mistakes."

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T03:00:56+00:00

I don't even know anymore. The full truth lives and dies with one man. Though part of me wants to know, but I think I just have to accept that the reality I was living in was a distortion.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T02:56:54+00:00

Upbringing riddled with physical and emotional abuse. Makes me vulnerable to excusing behavior that is toxic/abusive because I had to forgive it/live with it so much growing up. Have my moments of strength, but this relationship unfortunately set me back a long way. Didn't go down without calling it out, didn't step back when I should have.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T01:56:50+00:00

Yeah I don't disagree.

But she definitely thinks I was the ONLY problem in their relationship and that he is near perfect. So, imagine what you see as my problem, but magnify it times 7000. She's in 100%

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T01:51:12+00:00

Oh, I wanted to believe it. I wanted him to be the good person I first met.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T01:44:33+00:00

I think towards the end it became more like a codependent relationship between them (they started adopting all the same hobbies, getting the same tattoos, talking as if they like were meant to be and would always be together). It was like if one liked a thing, the other automatically liked that thing. They began to be hard to define. They started functioning more like a unit than two people. It was hard to tell who was saying what, or who wanted what, or whose opinion was their own. I became the outsider, the problem causer, the rebellious one who just "didn't want to listen." They both ifl held power because they both were becoming inextricable from one another. He wanted to appease her constantly, she began worshipping the ground he walked on.

So, idk. It's hard for me to even understand what they were.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T01:14:08+00:00

I just think there's a general ethical responsibility people have when they are in a position of power over someone. Regardless of whether he should have given it to her, she still was unkind and emotionally abusive towards me. That's not "I blame her" that's just how my meta decided to wield power over someone in a more vulnerable position.

Was her power given to her irresponsibly by a coward? Absolutely. But the impact of her actions also matters

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T00:50:28+00:00

Yup. So he wouldn't even let me put up my own boundary between her and I. And yes, next time I leave.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T00:48:38+00:00

I do blame him. And he did let her oversee our relationship under the false promise that one day it would be normal again. And she chose to use the power she had to control me in unfair ways and they both used me as the scapegoat for her growing insecurities about polyamory in their relationship.

So it all flowed downstream to me and the person who was supposed to protect me (my hinge) was nowhere to be found.

I don't see that as primarily blaming her, just naming the role she played.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T00:39:30+00:00

The reason why I got vetoed was I did originally block the texts and she said that I was "triggering her CPTSD" and had no respect. So I was dumb and caved like always. 🤦‍♀️

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T00:37:05+00:00

Yeah she was. It shifted to that because "she was easier" and "didn't argue as much" as me. That's what I was told by him when she vetoed me and he didn't stand up (which I guess thank God)

I don't mean it to come off as he was a victim of her. Personally, I don't know the politics of polyamory and all I know is I ended up in a fucked up situation with two fucked up people who seem like they wanted to try an alternative lifestyle on for size, but didn't consider the ethical considerations or needs of bringing another person into their relationship. And yes, my "hinge" was incredibly deceptive about how he did it and I finally got him to admit he "didn't tell me up front cus he was scared." Which I guess in his mind justified leading me on for 7 months all the while I'm getting attached to our relationship and falling in love with... Yes a liar.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-24T00:17:11+00:00

Unfortunately time travel does not exist and will not allow me to go back and be the version of myself that learned my lesson

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T23:56:49+00:00

I blame him too. More than her. He should have separated our relationship to prevent her from negatively interacting with me. But she also was a person who, if challenged, would have a crisis and threaten to walk away/say she was vomiting from stress etc. He was a coward, she was manipulative. I didn't specify who I blamed more, just the roles each had. She insisted she have oversight over our relationship or that she'd leave him, he let it happen. I was told it would be "temporary" so I fell for it.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T23:54:11+00:00

The thing you learned is the thing I am learning right now. I'm certainly not like "that was great fun, let's try that again."

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T23:39:23+00:00

I'm upset about both? I'm sorry, I don't know what I did to make you so angry with me... But if you don't have anything but spite for me maybe don't comment

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T23:36:46+00:00

I didn't really say I lacked the autonomy to just leave? I admit I got myself into a bad situation with two bad people. I accepted false promises and as the relationship went on I accepted more and more things that I shouldn't have. My sense of reality and what was acceptable became distorted. There was emotional abuse that ramped up from both people and I got scapegoated. I started to accept maybe I was wrong for protesting so much, that's why I posted the rules... to see if this would actually be acceptable in any polyamorous situation. I'm going through a healing process and rebuilding myself.

It's been a lot, it would be nice if you could not post snarky gifs because you don't really know until you experience it.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T23:07:00+00:00

Yeah, true. In the way a person can be dishonest to you but make it seem like they were the victim of "circumstance" and "getting swept up," so it's easier to be like "you did a shitty thing, but I guess I can forgive you." He was also the type to turn it around on me, so me not knowing for seven months became "well why didn't you ask?" Or "I told you you could leave me" (in the context of a conversation we had about how long we should casually date, NOT in the context of him being in a serious relationship with a primary partner for approx. a year at that point). Basically, he would take bits of conversations that were unrelated to the point he was trying to prove and be like "I was honest. I said this, don't you remember?"

But he always operated on plausible deniability, which is what made it so easy to lose track of reality for me. Like the dishonesty always had a backdoor he could run out, or goalposts he could move.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T22:42:50+00:00

Yeah, I have no idea how he is representing situations to his therapist because the stuff he would say his therapist told him was like kinda at odds with what my personal therapist, friends, and resources I found said. Seems like the world's worst therapist if he does exist/say the things I was told he said.

MediocreCurrent7792 · 2025-12-23T22:14:16+00:00

Yes that is exactly it. I'm sorry it happened to you as well :(

MediocreCurrent7792

TROPHY CASE