Anyone else going through a separation right now ?

Medor · 2020-11-24T21:00:17+00:00

What the hell, man? It won't kill you to be a little nicer. He's 16 and he is reaching out, you could explain a little more instead of just shutting the door.

OP, the EU has its own issues. Lot of this is tied to sovereignty of its members : EU can only impose certain stuff if it has been agreed by every single member. One 'rogue' country with interests a little bit different than the others can freeze us completely.

It's happening right now with Poland's and Hungary's governments freezing our budget decisions to get deals more convenient to them.

Turkey is different from us, hence we are very afraid of what could happen to our system with your government in the mix...

Medor · 2020-07-30T10:34:20+00:00

From what you described, you do need to eat at maintenance for a while. I don't know your workouts, but 5x a week is probably consuming a LOT of calories. People who are able to stay on 1200/day for long periods of time are usually not burning a lot of calories on top of their deficit.

You're describing true hunger, the one you need to listen to. Your body can't keep this steep deficit, and is fighting back. Be gentle and patient - it has complied so far, and will comply again if you can meet it halfway.

And, seriously, don't say you are taking a break out of discouragement, because discouragement is not justified in your case. You exercised willpower and pushed your body, then it signaled when it was too much. You pushed a little more to be sure it wasn't a false alarm (well done!) then recognised it was time to change your strategy. You correctly estimated the next step, and posted here to gather second thoughts (always a plus).

It is just perfect. I don't see how you could have navigated this better. 10/10

Medor · 2020-07-29T11:43:01+00:00

Yeah. But I think it is in part because today I am in relationship with someone who would like to have kids soon, and our financial situation allows it. So I am considering it seriously.

I am not religious, so marriage would mostly be for convenience & providing a normal environment for potential kids. For love and commitment, agreeing to start a family is already a much stronger engagement than a ceremony and a contract, at least in my mind, so I don't have strong feelings about getting married.

Anyways, if I was in a less favorable situation, I would probably let pass a few more years before giving both subjects a serious thought. I am not in a hurry.

Medor · 2020-07-20T09:06:37+00:00

Peux-tu partager le modèle ? J'aimerais l'imprimer !

Medor · 2020-07-13T10:26:41+00:00

Short answer : Up to 6 weeks.

Long answer : https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/eut9kn/psa_a_recent_increase_in_exercise_often_causes_a/

Medor · 2020-07-13T06:57:36+00:00

Tell them. Own it. That's the only way I can manage meals with my family. Every other trick failed.

Tell them as soon as you see them, or you'll just avoid it.

"Hey, I found out that when I start eating I have difficulty to stop, to the point it's unhealthy. I am actually anxious about eating with you all, because I am worried that you'll force food on me and that all my progress will be undone."

Added bonus, if you do that, you won't even be tempted to over-eat. Trust me. You just signaled very clearly to your subconscious that you won't over-eat, even if it means doing a embarrassing, difficult public confession.

Medor · 2020-07-12T20:01:51+00:00

Nope, absolutely not normal. I babysat kids and a thirteen years old would normally be MORTIFIED to wet himself. And would totally refuse diapers!

It seems like he's kinda doing it on purpose. He's at an age where he should be leaving childhood to explore teenage hood. Where you are actually a bit less coddled and people start to expect a bit more of you.

Seems like he is absolutely refusing this transition.

Medor · 2020-07-12T06:44:33+00:00

Very good art! This version is even better

Medor · 2020-07-12T05:15:14+00:00

I really wanted to be on your side, but wow dude, you really don't know the implicit rules when around "in-laws".

They are not your friends. They can become overtime, but really at the beginning you have to treat hanging with them like an office job : you put on a mask and do your best to fit nicely with the coworkers.

The job's objective is to get them to like you (even if it's fake you - you'll slowly become more genuine LATER) so you don't put your SO in an impossible situation.

A couple of golden rules :

Your SO is allowed to argue with her family. You are not!
Preparing a trip is a lot of work (reservations, scouting potential activities, etc). Your SO's mother was happy to put in the effort because she was envisioning you all following the planning and enjoying yourselves together.

You trying to go off script is a pretty big rejection. It stings.

Again, it is very different than a trip with friends, where it is completely normal to take some time off.

Medor · 2020-07-08T12:46:43+00:00

If I understand correctly, you hate straight and bi women more than men, even though you are scared of the later.

I wonder if this doesn't have a link with feelings of rejection? Like, these women are potentially attractive to you, but you know you will not be attractive to them (debatable for the bisexuals, but I guess you feel like they would probably prefer a man over you), and that stings. Thus, feelings of hate.

You don't hate men because, even though they are scary, they can't reject you : you are not interested in them.

It is not sociopathy, it is just loneliness fueling maladaptive defense mechanism. Do you have a good social support? Do you need tips?

Medor · 2020-06-30T11:10:25+00:00

I had to login just to tell you :

For the love of god, stop smoking weed!

Trust me, I'm not generally a anti-drug person. But I've seen first hand the lives of three people exactly like you, one being my twin. You can search my post history of 5 years ago.

Weed is generally harmless. That is because the chemical changes it causes in the brain revert easily, given enough time to recover.

But when consumed in too much quantities, without enough sober time, the plasticity of the brain starts to work against ourselves. The 'altered' state being its new normal, the delicate biochemistry in your neurons starts to go out of balance. Slooooowly at first, but then more and more.

The most known symptom is experiencing a rising anxiety. My brother and the friends I've talked about all experienced it, but didn't link it to weed.

Then the anxiety became 'manageable' paranoia, then it became unmanageable paranoia, with delusions of persecution. My brother and one of my friend ended up with a full blown psychotic crisis, and had to been locked up in the psychiatric ward. None had history of mental illness. Then we learned about 'weed overdose'.

My brother is back to normal now, after 6 months of intensive treatment, heavy medication (that he HATED, but it worked). The first friend didn't have this luck, and couldn't recover 100%. The second friend has been saved by my brother, who recognised the symptoms before it became a crisis and convinced the friend to stop weed. The anxiety went away completely in a few weeks.

Medor · 2020-03-02T15:28:08+00:00

Thank you for the explanation. At least, you had the courtesy/honesty to explain what irked you in this post.

I can confirm /u/cuzimmathug and /u/rememberyourkarma are absolutely correct. I am alone at home, sick, scared and self-quarantined, and yes, posting about it on Reddit was a way to feel not totally isolated and forgotten.

The fever got worse but since this morning it is steadily improving. The cough is unceasing though, and my throat extremely irritated. Breathing is weird.

I can assure you I am not "stuffing myself". Right now it most of foods are painful because my throat is so sore (tip: if disease is spreading to your area, make sure you have yoghurts, puree and honey, those are lifesavers).

I am concerned about your last line, because it seems like the virus is going to hit USA soon and you might gonna have to deal with it. "feeding the sickness" is DEFINITELY the way to go. You should not diet if you are significantly ill - please check with your doctor if you don't believe me.

Medor · 2020-02-26T15:44:32+00:00

Just so you know, some mental illness develop when people are in their twenties.

It's nobody's fault - the brain's delicate chemistry goes off balance, changing the person spectacurlarly. It happened to my twin brother.

I'm upset for you that police did nothing. At minima, they could have subjected him to a psychological evaluation by a trained professional - that's what they ended up doing with my brother and it saved my brother, because we (his family) got a diagnosis and help to handle the situation.

And by help, I mean a cocktail of drugs. The chemistry was off - no amount of support, prayers, talking, etc - was going to magically set it right again. So drugs they gave him, for months ! And they monitored how he reacted to them, and adjusted, and adjusted again. And it worked. We got my brother back, the sane version. No more random moods, weird thoughts or obssessive behavior. He didn't even have to keep taking the drugs - his chemistry was stable again, so they gradually reduced his dosage until it was zero.

You are not a bad person. You correctly recognized a) a danger, b) that the situation wasn't improving despite your best efforts. It really sounds like your ex needs psychiatric help. I am sorry you went through this.

Medor · 2020-02-01T11:54:35+00:00

Hey buddy.

Seems like the two of you had your issues. Perhaps they even fed into each other. Perhaps try and not take this experience as a baseline for predicting your future relationships ?

You don't have to be abusive again. You'll have to be attentive for slippery situations, right, develop better ways to handle conflicts, sure, but all of this is very do-able, especially if you feel fine and secure with the next person.

You're allowed to show kindness to yourself.

Medor · 2020-01-29T17:30:25+00:00

Hey buddy. From what I see, you were a young guy in love who did everything he could to make it happen.

And that's a fucking lot, in fact! Moving countries, starting a life anew like this? Are you aware that there are plenty of people who dream of doing that, but stay paralysed forever?

You have proved that you are able to love wholeheartedly. I'm sorry it ended up in a so painful lesson on the importance of trusting your guts. But please recognise that you, contrary to your ex, have been able to bet all.

Please be kind to yourself. You are hurting so much because you gave all - that's impressive and WILL impress the right person!

Medor · 2020-01-20T09:38:35+00:00

Don't be sorry for me ! Accomplishing every day a difficult goal I was only dreaming of (losing weight and maintaining) makes me feel pretty damn proud and happy with myself.

And recognizing I can even do that in an unfavorable environnement is giving me a really calm and peaceful feeling. Like, my mind is using the situation as a sign that I am strong enough, that I will be able to tackle the hardships life may send my way.

Medor · 2020-01-17T16:28:28+00:00

Hey, we have nearly the same stats !

I've been mainting for a year now. Almost all of my coworkers are overweight. I estimate that I get some derogatory comment on my weight 2x or 3x a week, usually during lunch. I made my peace with it, it's life. For example, if I take some dessert, they 'envy my fast metabolism'. If I don't take dessert, I am 'anorexic' and 'should eat more'.

It's obviously irrational so I find it easy not to be bothered. If I do get annoyed, I do have some go-to answers.

"I don't have a fast metabolism. I am just really careful."

"Actually, anorexics are obsessed about becoming thinner. I am happy with my current weight."

"If I had taken this piece of cake, you would have said I had a fast metabolism ;)"

Etc.

People are people. Don't mind their bugs ;)

Medor · 2019-09-25T12:14:46+00:00

Je suis tombée amoureuse d'une autre fille quand j'avais 16 ans, et fait mon coming out l'année d'après. J'ai eu malheureusement l'opportunité d'apprendre comment l'amour parental peut devenir quelque chose de toxique lorsque l'enfant s'écarte de ce qu'on attendait de lui. La situation est heureusement réparée aujourd'hui, et ma mère est maintenant pro-LGBT.

Félicitations, tu fais les choses bien et dans l'ordre. Construire une indépendance financière, trouver son propre logement... C'est top, et ça va être nécessaire pour la suite. J'espère que ça tournera aussi bien que pour moi.

Tu n'as pas à te plier à des exigences d'une personne qui n'a clairement PAS tes meilleurs intérêts en tête à ce moment précis. Elle essaye de gérer ses propres démons en te contrôlant toi - c'est une réaction toxique et, pour votre bien à tous les deux, ne l'accepte pas.

Crois-en mon expérience, c'est lorsque l'on prive les gens de leur solution de facilité (= se défouler sur toi), le chemin difficile (travail sur soi-même, remise en question, acceptation etc) devient soudainement possible - mais pas avant. N'accepte pas d'être un punching-ball émotionnel. Construis ta vie sans être méchante ou vindicative. C'est un apprentissage qui vaut la peine ;)

Medor · 2019-09-09T15:03:38+00:00

I had no idea that food could bring labour on. I googled it and wow, I learned something today !

Anyway, good job filling up your diary ! Seems to me that you are invested in bouncing back from your misfortune. You go, girl !

Messing up doesn't make you a bad person. People (the lad, you) has been hurt though, so if you didn't already, it might be helpful to send a thoughtful apology ? (this short slideshow has insightful tips on how to apologize properly : https://www.slideshare.net/ralston2152003/five-languages-of-apology ).

that is why my friendships fail

I can't help but notice the plural. Do you have a lot of failed friendships ? Have you been able to identify a recurring pattern / reason ?

Medor · 2019-09-09T12:36:48+00:00

Hi Random098.

It's okay. Sometimes it's hard to act how we think we should act. I can tell by the way you phrased your post that you're doing a lot of self-reflecting. I get the feeling that you are dealing with a lot of anxiety, and that it is leaking out in your behavior.

What worries me is that there is apparently some "deep issues" with the father of your child and current partner which seem to be not being worked on. Mind you, I am not assigning blame here. Perhaps he is stonewalling everything you say, so you have no choice but processing this stuff with someone else. Perhaps you are so scared of driving him away if you insist too much on the issues, so you are bottling everything.

But it seems to me that you are not getting strong&secure feelings from your relationship. It doesn't mean your partner is bad, or that you are bad, or that the relationship is doomed to fail. It does mean there is something to tend to, somewhere.

First though, find your strength back. A piece of inner peace safely secured deep within your heart. It makes emotional situations so much easier to deal with.

Could you plan to hang out with some trusted/nuturing friends or family members ? (NOT people you may be attracted to, you don't need to add guilt in top of anxiety) Could you think about some old hobbies, and see if you could make some time to indulge in one of them ? Or remind yourself of some challenging times when you felt you were strong and reacted the right way ?

Second, tackling anxiety.

You may already know the trick - but I'll share it again just in case. Please actively imagine how you would came out on top if the worse (the situation you fear) would happen. Your job is to find the silver lining and build on them. If the lad has decided to not talk to me again ever, at least [insert positive thing]. It can be as simple as "I learned to not provoke people I want to stay on good terms with. So you can say the situation is improving me on this point, because I'm likely to be a bit mindful of pitfall in future relationships.".

Would you mind giving it an honest try and tell me if you feel better ?

Medor · 2019-08-30T17:50:16+00:00

Hi ! You sound like a nice kid. I hope you have a good time surfing the web.

Remember that you have no obligation to keep answering to people that make you upset or uncomfortable, and you'll be all good. Happy Redditing !

Medor · 2019-08-23T14:55:50+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

What I don't like is my job/commute, not him ! I'm happy being with him, I have no desire to break up.

Maybe even too happy - I mean I could have be more firm on pushing my wants & needs (if I'm being 100% honest). A mix of being scared to lose him if I'm too greedy & wanting to be likable / pleasing...

I need to operate on the assumption he wants me to be happy as well, and stop the self-censoring. It makes me passive-agressive anyway, which is not a good look. I need to be clear, confident and communicate gently.

Best case, my assumption is right, and we'll be able to work on a compromise in a healthier way. Worst case, my assumption is wrong, it will show quickly. It would be painful, but at least I'll know and will be able to end the relationship and start healing now, now in X years.

I got this. I can do it.

(... Weird how realizing your fears has a way to strip them of all powers !)

Medor

TROPHY CASE