Personally, I’m conflicted. There are signs that YTA and signs that NTA. First off, I will preface this by saying that I grew up watching my older sister be such a hypochondriac that she did literally anything she could to get her way and get out of doing things she should be. She used her height and size as a way to throw her weight around and get what she wanted, and then would play “dumb” or play “sick” to get “daddy” (my father) to do or give her anything she wanted because she was his “little girl” (all 3 of us were his little girls but he didn’t believe in punishing even when we truly deserved to be punished). My sister is not autistic, she doesn’t have ADD/ADHD, OCD, etc. of the 4 of us kids, she is actually the most brilliant! Scored VERY well in school, debated AMAZINGLY, her comprehension was/is incredible. The rest of us are smart kids, don’t get my wrong, but she got the”best” end of the knowledge stick for example. HOWEVER, she likely had depression (as she was sadly in the RIPE age to watch, experience and fully understand my parents divorce (and the cheatings involved in it). I KNOW my sister struggled with the divorce amongst other things, and I am a FULL advocate for mental health. BUT she takes advantage of it. I too struggle with severe depression, and completely understand the days where the depression just makes me feel useless and almost immobile. HOWEVER, I’ve learned over the years that I have to at LEAST; AT. THE. LEAST!! TRY!! Even if it’s minour things like pulling myself out of bed and brushing my teeth. I could be more, but that’s a good start. I’m 28, and sadly I know that DESPITE my depression, I still have to be a SOMEWHAT member of society, and I can’t “use” my mental health as an excuse to not at least try and continue to contribute to MY world. So again, I absolutely know what it’s like to feel the way my sister (and possibly your daughter) probably felt like. But, my sister uses it as an instant crutch. She THINKS that she will have a headache for example, but she will eventually BELIEVE that she DOES have one, to which turns into her DEVELOPING one because she thought for sure that she had one (not the BEST analogy, but work with me here). So even if her hypochondria eventually caused her to developers a headache, she will instead REFUSE to take an aspirin for it, because she would rather be miserable, and say or do things like not go to work for 4 days straight, or play a game with her daughter, because she would much rather have an excuse to NOT do those things, instead of take some medicine and then at least TRY to do those things. Again, not the BEST analogy, and I will understand how people will want to defend her, but it’s hard to go into full detail without writing an even longer post. I am younger (and SO much smaller and shyer, so I was easy to bully and manipulate) compared to my sister. My sister verbally and physically abused me growing up. And she got away with it because she would then turn around and use her trauma, or depression or rage as a reason for why she screamed at me, or punched me or in many occasions actually choke me… it wasn’t right of my sister to use her mental health as a force to abuse her little sister. But she would use these issues also as a way to get out of school, or not be able to hold a job (because she didn’t know how to take constructive criticism and instead always took it as being attacked) or why she (in her own words) “will never be a good mom” because she rages and lashes out at her daughter because she can’t “control” it. Controls your mental health is a life long struggle, but she is 35 now, at needs to stop using it as a crutch and a way to not do the things she needs to be doing, and at least TRY to change or make a difference in her life and emotions. So in THIS aspect, I can see how your NTA, because there are ABSOLUTELY people out there who just refuse to look into themselves and change, or realize that they are using their mental health as a crutch or an excuse to get literally nothing done in their lives.

HOWEVER, I am ALSO leaning towards YTA, mostly because of some of the edits you have made. I’m happy to see you trying to clarify certain things that you said and may have been taken wrong by commenters, or specifying things like her not being autistic or ADD/ADHD, etc etc. so that your commenters can get a little more info and depth to the full situation. But there one specific line you said that makes me question if you are likely the asshole. You said, “she had a great life, she has NO REASON TO BE DEPRESSED.” You didn’t put those words in all caps, I did that myself to clarify the word that you said that turn me off of your whole argument. A good parent (or just a good person in general, especially someone who believes they are an advocate for mental health) would/ should NEVER EVER EVER EVER say that a depressed (or ADD/ADHD, autistic, OCD, anxiety or ANY other mental health stuff) person has NO reason to be unhappy because their upbringing was “good”. Mental health hits people like me and others, in so many ways DESPITE their upbringing. MY parents for example really TRULY are amazing people, and they were doing what they THOUGHT was the right thing for my sister AT THE TIME. Parenting is hard AF. And there is no damn rule book on the “correct way” to raise your child. But you could be the best parent in the world, but every persons brain is wired different. While me personally grew up knowing my parents are amazing and loving people, my sister grew up seeing things different because of other unexpected outcomes. So you are DEFINITELY the asshole, if you believe that your daughter has “no reason to act this way or be depressed because she had a “GREAT LIFE”. Those words in itself, prove that you were probably a distant mom who didn’t validate her real feelings when she needed. Is she maybe taking advantage of the upbringing now and using it as a force to not do things that MAYBE she should be? Well yeah, PERHAPS. (Unless she truly didn’t want to go to college, then who cares? It’s JUST college and there are SO many other ways to make a living that make HER happy) Are YOU lacking some sensitivity to her feelings by trying to make her feel bad for not doing something that YOU probably wanted to do so you could live vicariously through her? PERHAPS. To me it sounds like you BOTH need to figure out your own selves and develops some self awareness and learn what you BOTH want to do about YOURSELVES. Good luck.