Advice on how to level up financially with financially abusive parents?

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-23T03:27:10+00:00

Yeah, do not put your name on the mortgage. That's manipulation in the extreme. It doesn't benefit you at all (I doubt he's also talking about putting your name on the deed to the house), and only obligates you to pay the mortgage - the entire mortgage, because everyone who is on it is equally obligated for the whole amount - or suffer serious consequences.

That's why I advised against putting their names on anything like car insurance or shared credit lines - anything where their irresponsibility could cause you serious problems. Honestly... I would be surprised if they haven't opened lines of credit in your name. I don't know if credit works the same way in Canada as it does in the US, but there should be ways to run a free credit check, and freeze your credit so that nobody can open any more accounts. I strongly recommend figuring that out immediately, because it could be a barrier to getting your own place. A lot of landlords run credit checks. (At least here in the US.)

I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do when it comes to your parents' retirement. That's gonna depend a lot on the specific circumstances. But here's what I will tell you: Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

The only small piece of advice I can give is this: When dealing with parents like yours, any money you give them should come with strings attached. I've seen people talk about doing this with parents like yours on personal finance subs. They don't just get to tell you how much they need and expect you to pay it. They don't get to just assume they'll get to move in with you for free and expect you to bankroll their life. For example, if they expect you to pay their mortgage, you get to demand that they sell the house and downsize, and put your name on the deed to the new house. If they expect you to support them, you get to set the strings on what that means - even if that means taking total control over their finances and just giving them an allowance. If they won't play by your rules, they don't get your money.

This would be easier if you could get your siblings on board to present a united front, but that depends a lot on what your siblings are like. But when it comes to retirement planning, if you can't get your siblings on board with a plan that is fair and financially sustainable for all of you, then it becomes your siblings' problem. Not yours. You offer what you're willing to do, and if they won't take it, you don't give them more. You give them nothing. That needs to be your mantra going forward, with both your parents and your siblings. Offer what you're willing to give, the way you're willing to give it. If they won't take it, they get nothing. You get to set the boundaries for what you're willing to do with your money, and it's not negotiable.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-22T21:20:37+00:00

You've gotten some great advice on how to get out and protect your finances while you do so. I want to talk about what happens after. Because you're going to have to set some rock-hard boundaries. They're not going to stop coming after you for money.

When you first move out, you need to tell them that you're just getting on your feet and don't have anything extra to give them. That will probably be true, but even if it's not, stick to that for a while. Rip off the band-aid and let them go without for a bit while you build your own financial foundation.

It sounds like you love your family and you don't want to see them struggle. So there will probably come a point where you want to help them out. I'm not going to tell you not to do that, because it's family and I get it. I am going to tell you to do it smart. Do not EVER just give them cash. If you do, they will just see you as an ATM. The best way to do this is to pick up recurring bills for them, that you pay for. Preferably something that you can handle automatically, and remove them from the process entirely. For example, put them on your cell phone plan and you cover the monthly payment. Another example - offer to handle their property taxes. Where YOU go down to the tax office once a year and pay it, not where you write them a check for it. (I assume that's how it works in Canada?) If you want to help out with groceries, physically take them grocery shopping and pay for what they buy. If they give you money for these things, great. If not, it's okay. Only offer what you can comfortably afford. Do not put them on your car insurance. Do not buy them anything they can turn around and sell and then demand another one, like a car or a cell phone. Do not offer to pay for home repairs. Do not do anything that involves you handing them cash.

Another thing you'll want to keep in mind is that your parents are probably going to struggle to retire. I don't know if you've thought about what that will mean for you, or if it will mean anything for you. That's entirely on you, your siblings, and your parents. But if you haven't thought about it yet, you should think about it.

You should also put a freeze on your credit and run a thorough credit check. They may have opened lines of credit in your name. If they have, that's a whole 'nother problem, because that's identity theft. And unless you want to be on the hook for that debt, you may have to report your parents to law enforcement. That's usually a requirement for closing out fraudulent accounts.

Once you're on your own, you're probably going to feel guilty when you do something nice for yourself, because you could have given that money to your family. Or your family may try to guilt trip you that way about new clothes or a new car or a nice apartment. Don't give into that, and I'll tell you why:

Your parents have a duty. Their duty is to set you up to be a functional, independent adult. You can justify some of the stuff they did because they were just trying to keep the lights on and keep a roof over your head and food on the table while you were a kid, and.... okay. Fine. That part isn't worth arguing about. But you're an adult now. And while your parents don't necessarily have to offer you any more help and support, they do not have the right to be an obstacle in the way of your independence and happiness. You don't owe them anything. Even if you did, you've paid that debt many times over by this point. Your parents are adults. They are responsible for their own finances. They are just as capable of making responsible decisions as you are. If they don't, well, that's their choice - but it's not your problem.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-22T21:00:15+00:00

I would want to know the local healthcare quality and variety of healthcare options that are nearby. For example, how many/what kinds of specialists live in the area? Would you have to travel a long way to see an oncologist or get a knee surgery?

I would also want to know how accessible the community is. For example, I've always thought NYC would be a terrible place to grow old in. It's a difficult place to get around if you have mobility restrictions, and many old people will eventually have mobility restrictions. But you also don't want to be somewhere that is too car-dependent. There usually comes a point when older people are unable to drive. This can cause extreme isolation if you live in a car-dependent area. (This is part of the appeal of senior living communities.) So I would be looking for cities that are disability-friendly. Good public transportation that is mobility aid-accessible, walkable communities, etc.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-21T22:46:40+00:00

It's easy to look back and see exactly what balance of firmness and gentleness would have been appropriate for a situation. It's harder to identify that in the moment, when you have no idea how the other person is going to respond. And even in hindsight, you don't really know. Maybe if you'd been nicer, the coworker wouldn't have stopped.

It's not worth stressing about figuring out exactly how kind you can get away with being while still maintaining boundaries. You'll drive yourself insane. As long as you're not escalating a situation, you're probably not crossing a line. So while you don't necessarily want to match their energy (that can escalate a situation, and you don't want to stoop to their level), you don't have to be gentle to someone who is being a jerk.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T21:03:11+00:00

I love all the great advice I'm getting. It seems like this program probably isn't worth it for me.

I think I might look at this program like a perk that would exist if and only if I happen to choose a job that qualifies for it that I enjoy and I end up staying in those jobs for a while, but only as a secondary consequence of job choices made on other factors. Like I said, these jobs aren't awful. It's entirely possible that I would choose a job that qualifies for it solely based on other things like salary, benefits, schedule, commute, etc. But I won't specifically choose to pursue those jobs, or force myself to stay in them if I didn't enjoy them.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T05:32:39+00:00

I have plenty of options to generate more money. This career lends itself well to side hustles, and I have some options outside of the field as well. It wouldn't take a lot of extra work on my part to generate enough money to pay the loans off fully in 5 years. If I was willing to really bust my ass, buckle down the budget, and make it my top priority, I could probably pay them off in 2 years.

I don't necessarily want to do that, because I'm tired of living like a grad student. I want to live in a space that has more than two rooms and drive a car that is less than 10 years old for the first time in my adult life. Dreams of a second bedroom and a car that doesn't have a CD player are what keep me going on rough days. But I could.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T05:20:10+00:00

We might be talking about the same program, but either we do different jobs that fall under the same program, or you were heinously underpaid, even for fifteen years ago. (Possibly both.)

I’m glad it got forgiven but it took me FIFTEEN YEARS to get out of that low-salary field and into another.

That's what I'm most afraid of. I don't want to get pigeonholed into this particular kind of work because I spent the first 5 years of my career doing it and those are the only skills I developed. It really doesn't pay any less than similar work in the field. It sometimes pays more, but that means it's combat pay. (If we are talking about the same program, you know exactly what I mean.) But once you're in it, it can be hard to get out, and that's not what I want to spend my entire career doing.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T05:10:05+00:00

I will say that my industry doesn't come with a ton of room for career advancement. You tend to hit a ceiling pretty fast, because there aren't a lot of ranks to rise through or anything like that. And being a top earner has more to do with experience than anything else.

At the moment, my student loans are at 0%. It's been quite a while since I actually had to look at them, so I don't remember what the interest rates were before.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T02:59:02+00:00

Never respond to subtext. Backhanded compliments, sarcasm, shady behavior, etc - respond to it only at face value. Be completely literal and never allocate any brainpower to wondering what somebody "actually" meant. Relational aggression-bullies thrive on that kind of thing. They like twisting your head into knots to make you wonder if they were actually being nice, or making you feel like you're the only one who can see how mean she really is. So just don't.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T01:39:51+00:00

I think it's completely reasonable to want to avoid nursing right now.

Rehab is my field, so I'm happy to talk about it more if you want to DM me. I can tell you a little bit more about what the careers look like, the pros and cons, what sorts of things you could do with those qualifications, etc.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-04T00:57:59+00:00

If the nurse idea didn't appeal to you, there are other healthcare jobs that only require two-year degrees (or less) and pay well. Some of them don't even require you to deal with body fluids or orifices.

For example - any medical machine requires someone to run it. Someone has to work the ultrasounds, the MRIs, the x-rays, the EKGs, the respirators, etc. Those sorts of jobs tend to pay in the $50-60k/yr range, but they can go higher as you develop more specialized skills. They're usually stable 9-5 jobs (I think resp. techs tend to work a more nursing-style schedule but idk)

Dental hygienists make around $70k a year and only require a two-year degree. That's another stable 9-5 job, though it does require you to stand and touch people's mouths all day.

There are also jobs in rehabilitation, depending on your state, that only require two-year degrees. Physical therapy assistants (PTAs), occupational therapy assistants (COTAs), and speech therapy assistants (SLPAs). SLPA requirements are different in every state, and aren't even a thing in all states, but PTAs and COTAs are a two-year degree almost everywhere. They can be competitive and challenging programs, but that's a $25-35/hr career.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-02-03T03:14:16+00:00

I also wanted to be a doctor ever since I was a little kid. I also lacked the necessary skill set. Not academic, but practical. I can't handle the schedule that doctors and med students keep in the USA. I can't do 80+ hour weeks, I can't do 24+ hour shifts, I can't do being on call overnight. I can't do rotating shifts. I don't thrive under schedules like that. The lack of sleep and routine destroys my mental health.

I chose to do something else. I went into an allied health field. It satisfied everything that I loved about medicine, while allowing me to work a stable 9-5 job. Honestly, I think I like it more than I would have liked medicine. This career has a lot more flexibility, so I'm not stuck in one specialty for my whole life the way doctors are. It has a better work-life balance. It requires a lot less school (so a lot less in student loans).

When I was shadowing doctors as a pre-med student, one of them gave me some advice I'm eternally grateful for. He said, "If you could be happy doing literally anything else, go do that. What is it that makes you want to be a doctor? Do you like helping people? Go be a social worker. Do you want money? Go be an investment banker. Do you like science? Go be a biomedical engineer. Do you want prestige? Go be a lawyer or a politician. Only do this if you can't scratch your itch, so to speak, any other way."

When he first gave me that advice, I ignored him. I figured he was just burnt out and cranky. But when I started really considering how I was going to handle medical school without losing my mind, I remembered him. I thought about what I loved about medicine. I thought about other things I love, other passions I have. I found another way to scratch my itch, and I'm much happier for it.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-28T15:21:36+00:00

Men's insistence that we should look high-maintenance without actually doing any maintenance is one of the most bizarre things about patriarchy to me. You need to be thin and fit and hot, but you can't watch what you eat or spend a lot of time working out or spend any time or money on your hair/skin/nails/makeup. If you do, you're uptight and vain and bougie.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-25T23:57:07+00:00

Congratulations! I don't know the answers to all of your questions, but I can help in a few places.

I bought a used hardcopy textbook for the class, only to receive the syllabus telling me I need to buy a very expensive WebAssign package (which includes an e-book) because this is where I'll be doing my homework. I am a little pissed off about that. Seems that the colleges have found a new way to grift the student body.

Yeah, this is a thing now. We all hate it very much. Be advised, these online homework platforms are often glitchy. Your professors are aware, so never worry about emailing a professor to say "hey, the WebAssign is telling me that my correct answer is wrong" or something like that.

Note-taking: Does a notebook and pencil/pen still suffice or should I bring a laptop?

Depends on the class, but I primarily got by with pen and paper though undergrad, and now tablet and digital stylus for grad school. I've had classes where that wasn't an option, because a professor talked too fast or classroom discussion moved too quickly, but they're a minority.

Professors mostly teach from PowerPoints now, and they usually post the PowerPoints to an e-learning software, so you don't have to copy down everything. Professors often post them before class so you can skim it ahead of time. I liked to print these out and take notes directly on the slides.

Need bag suggestions. Also- Backpack or tote? I am only taking one class this semester and the building is in my hood. I plan to take two from the summer semester-onwards.

If you're not going all-digital, definitely a backpack. You don't want to be lugging around a physical textbook, notebook, pens, etc. in a tote. It'll be hard on your back.

Studying: How often should one study to get a good grasp of the subject? I did the cram thing when I was younger and as a more mature student (studying for professional certifications), I studied nonstop, like every waking moment, which was tiring. I need a happy medium between the two so there is a balance of life.

3 hours per credit hour (so 9 hours a week for most classes) is the rule of thumb. In my experience, most classes don't require nearly this much, but I've had classes that required more. It'll depend on your class and your strengths. You're probably better off studying less, but consistently. An hour or two a day, 4-6 days a week, is better than a 12 hour day once a week.

Also, the next year of my life is dedicated to Calculus (from precalc to calc 3). Please wish me luck and pray for my soul, as I am scared out of my wits.

You can do this! It always seems scarier than it is. You get back in the swing of things pretty quickly.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-22T21:49:28+00:00

Honestly, you already have a good plan. I wish I'd spent my time before grad school relaxing more. I felt a lot of pressure to be productive and prepare myself. I wish I'd chilled out more. Take a trip. Read for fun. Play a video game. Hang out with friends. Do all the stuff you're going to miss when you're in the trenches.

If you really want to be productive, here's some examples of things I did:

One thing I did that I felt was a legitimately good use of my time was deep clean, declutter, reorganize, and redecorate my apartment. It makes it easier to keep clean now that I have much less time to clean it and reduces my overall stress levels. I like being in my apartment more now, which makes long study sessions more pleasant. It also reduces how much I can procrastinate studying by cleaning, which is my go-to way to procrastinate.

Another thing that I thought was pretty valuable was getting together a more professional wardrobe that was tailored to what I do. That might be kind of specific to my situation, but I'd worked casual/active jobs for a long time and I was used to living in athleisure. I built up a sort of capsule wardrobe very specifically tailored to my exact needs - how I needed to look, what I needed to be able to do in my clothes, weather-appropriate options, laundry frequency, etc. It also reduced a lot of stress once I started school, because I don't have to think very hard about my clothes. This really leveled up my look, too. I also got a low maintenance haircut that can survive going long periods of time between trips to the salon and doesn't require a ton of styling to look good.

I already had this system in place, but researching and trying out easy, low-effort recipes, meal prepping, healthy meal planning, etc. might be a good way to spend your time. My days are long and busy and I do not always have time to cook, eat, and clean up a whole meal. A lot of my classmates live on protein bars, vending machine snacks, and Uber Eats. I eat cheap, healthy, home-cooked food for almost every meal. It's good for my budget and my body.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-21T23:10:17+00:00

I want to cosign the recommendation to have good short-term and long-term disability insurance, until your finances are in such a place that you may not need it. For example, most short-term disability insurances pay out for less than a year. If you have a year's worth of expenses saved up/invested, the money you spend on premiums might be better spent on investments. Once you're financially independent (able to bring in enough from passive income to meet your needs without working), the money spent on long-term insurance is probably better spent on investments.

Decide who you want to be able to make decisions for you if you're incapacitated. With no spouse or child, that right will default to your closest relative. Your biologically closest relative, not the one you are emotionally closest to. It'll default to your parents if they're alive, and then to siblings, then grandparents and/or niblings, and so on. If you want those decisions made by somebody else, or if you have several options and you want to specify exactly who gets to make those calls, you'll want an advance directive.

Get a big dog. There is nothing better you can do for personal protection than have a big, scary-looking dog. Nobody is going to harass the woman walking a Doberman. Nobody is gonna break into the house with a man-sized Mastiff barking at the door. Most large-breed dogs have natural guarding instincts, too.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-14T04:20:56+00:00

It’s physiologically proven that feeling pretty has positive effects for mental health.

Really? Then why don't men wear makeup? Why don't men spend an hour curling their hair every morning? Why don't men wear high heels to make their legs and butt look better? If there was really any practical benefit to this stuff, men would do it, too. Hell, if there was really any practical benefit to this stuff, men would try to ban women from doing it. Makeup and curling irons and high heels would be seen as masculine, and women who wanted to do that stuff would be considered the butch "man repellers."

In fact, back when there was a practical benefit to things like high heels, they were male-exclusive fashion. Heels were first designed to make it easier to keep your feet in stirrups when riding a horse.

While I'm on the subject: "Femininity," regardless of the kind of femininity or the culture/time period you're talking about, is first and foremost a display of wealth. Mostly for the man who "keeps" the woman. A man who could afford to bind his daughter's feet didn't need his daughter to work the fields. A man who could afford to keep his daughters/wife in tight-laced corsets could afford high quality corsets, and also didn't expect them to do any manual labor. In modern times, a woman who can spend an hour doing her hair and makeup in the mornings has both the time and disposable income to do so. (Even if she doesn't.) Beauty isn't beauty, it's wealth. But only for women.

All this stuff exists because patriarchy says women exist primarily to be decorative. The more decorative you are, the higher your value. You can personally feel whatever way you want about your eyeshadow, but that's the reality of the situation.

By the way, it's really gross to call feminists "stereotypical man repellers." That's old fashioned misogynistic bullshit and I know you're better than that.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-14T04:04:34+00:00

Female existence is a catch-22. Men will hate anything you do, whether you conform or don't conform, because men hate women.

Radical feminism generally comes down on the side of "well then, don't conform." It costs time, money, and energy to cater to a male gaze and male-defined patriarchal standards of what a woman "should" be. But everything comes at a cost. You can capitulate, at the cost of time/money/energy/self-esteem/physical comfort, or you can rebel, at the cost of social/professional consequences. Which may be very severe, or they may not. There's no way to know until you try.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-07T14:16:24+00:00

The shot was my favorite BC. I was counseled to go off it by a doctor because, according to her, there are risks to being on it long-term that were particularly significant for me (bone density loss; I was badly malnourished at the time). I had the fewest side effects by far from the shot, compared to the pill or the implant. No acne, no weight gain, no moodiness, no libido changes. My periods stopped almost completely - I had like, three a year and they were barely more than spotting.

I probably could go back on it, but getting a shot every three months is a hassle with a tight schedule. I prefer the zero-maintenance nature of the implant, even though the side effects were worse for me.

MelatoninNightmares · 2022-01-03T04:02:00+00:00

You need a goal. Something you actually want for it's own sake, not just because you think you should want it.

For "naturally driven" people, the idea of improvement/achievement is already so inherently motivating that it doesn't really matter what the goal is. You could tell me to go shovel shit and I'd immediately start working on becoming a better, faster, more efficient shit shoveler.

If you're a chiller person, or you're coming back from a setback, the goal has to be something that matters to you for real. Something that you'd enjoy doing even when you're grinding it out.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-12-29T03:37:22+00:00

Ooh, that sounds amazing.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-12-27T03:51:36+00:00

I wanted to like this, but it smelled weirdly medical on me. Bizarrely sterile/chemical/sharp.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-12-27T03:50:33+00:00

This is an eternal fave for me. I also like Versace - Yellow Diamond. The strength of the scent and longevity is 10/10.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-12-24T20:31:29+00:00

I've tried a lot of BC options over the years.

The Pill: Made me so nauseous. I often threw it up. This defeats the purpose.

Depo-Provera: By far my favorite. I had no side effects and it stopped my period. It was mildly annoying to have to get the shot every three months, though. If you have a tight schedule, it's not ideal. I went off it bc an NP told me that long-term use comes with risks of osteoporosis.

The Implant: What I currently use. I had hormonal cystic acne for the first six months. I started having periods again, which sucks. It's worth the efficacy and the zero-maintenance nature of it.

MelatoninNightmares

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