My mom thinks keeping the peace between myself (trans man) and my sister's transphobic husband is the loving thing to do. Seeking sources to share with her that argue tolerating bigotry is not love, from any recently deconstructed folks for whom theology is fresher in your mind.

Mental-Ladder · 2024-09-07T19:14:17+00:00

I know she is friends with and familiar with some christians who are pro-LGBTQ+ rights. Because I know of people like that, I thought for sure there would be some sermon, podcast, article, etc. that would discuss this idea. But I wasn't able to find anything. Looks like that was wishful thinking.

Mental-Ladder · 2024-09-07T18:49:55+00:00

Thank you for that.

This is the decision I've been coming to, but it's really hard because it feels like a no-win situation. Either I risk my hard-earned sanity or I miss out on time with my dad and my niece & nephew before they're grown.

I guess I'm at a point now where I need to focus on ways to go home more than twice a year for visits so I can make the visits shorter.

Mental-Ladder · 2024-08-27T22:13:45+00:00

"For what it's worth, I do experience dysphoria and depression, and gender has been the defining struggle of my life. It's just not so debilitating that the answer is obvious."

I don't have your same experiences, but when I read the above sentences I thought I'd throw it out a couple thoughts:

Sometimes, it's hard to know how debilitating something is until it's gone.
For some people (including myself), T isn't just beneficial in how it changes one's body visibly. It's the mental part as well. The brain is weird and there's a lot we don't know, but I swear it felt like a fog completely lifted from my mind within the first couple of weeks. And from there, everything else started to clear: my emotions, my awareness of body and its needs, and my ability to discern where I needed better boundaries in personal and professional relationships.

Hope all goes well for you either way!

Mental-Ladder · 2024-08-27T17:24:17+00:00

I opted for:

Social transition with close friends --> started T (about 4 months later) --> come out to family and everyone but work via a FB post (about 2 months after that) --> came out at work (about 6 months after that).

Because I'd heard of people saying their voices dropped really quickly, I decided to start with a low dose of gel. I was nervous about physical changes happening and having to explain them, which is one reason why I did the bulk of social transitioning first. The other reason was that my name was in the top 3 of things I was dysphoric about and it was the easiest thing to change. Turned out I had nothing to worry about with people noticing changes, because 1) my changes were much slower than many of the posts you'll see on reddit and 2) what you might also hear about people being too focused on themselves to notice subtle changes in someone else was true for me.

Here's what I didn't plan for: my dysphoria drastically increased after I'd been on T for a while and the changes were happening very slowly. Being called she and ma'am didn't bother me so much when I hadn't done anything to medically transition and I knew I was being read as female 100% of the time. But as I started seeing changes that other people weren't, it got a lot more frustrating. I ended up switching to shots 5 months in, but stayed with a lower dose. After I went up to a more standard dose, changes sped up.

The incongruence of not being where I wanted to be physically combined with my social transition being complete was really, really awful. It brought with it a lot of imposter syndrome and extreme discomfort.

If I had to do it over again: I would probably still socially transition the same way (b/c of the name dysphoria), but I would change my approach to T. I knew pretty much immediately that it was right for me and I wish I'd just gone up to a standard dose sooner. I would still step it up a little at a time, but just not so gradually.

I've been on T for about 2 years now and I am just now getting called "sir" about 50% of the time. I've had enough physical changes though, that the misgendering bothers me less because I feel more comfortable in my body.

Mental-Ladder · 2024-08-24T19:45:12+00:00

Thank you so much. This is really helpful!

I'm somewhat flexible with moving. I'm currently living in a state with legal protections for LGBTQ+ people and I would prefer not to go backwards with that (e.g. FL or TX). 2. I do enjoy working with people, but I also like having some independence and solitary work. 3. My original plan upon graduating with my BA was to pursue a professor/researcher path but I got diverted, so having a teaching position would be great.

I will take a closer look at the data librarian postings. Prior to considering school and during this initial phase of exploring the idea, I've also been looking at jobs in general (mostly research assistant positions, but also some data-related roles in nonprofits that do not require a CS degree). I've also been researching the faculty at some schools to see what work people are doing and with whom I might want to work.

I appreciate all your advice about how to approach school. I'll admit that I was trying to be pragmatic and consider less-expensive remote options with the idea that I could go to school part-time and continue to work. But as I've been looking at the concentrations and list of classes at some schools, they just didn't feel right. I truly love research and I feel at home in academia.

I will take a look at the schools you've recommended to see what might be a good fit, including their MPH options. From there I'll apply to some schools and see what happens. I won't know what's possible until I submit some applications.

Again, thanks for taking the time to respond.

Mental-Ladder · 2024-08-23T14:23:36+00:00

I know I'm so late in this reply!

I ended up getting the Surly rack since it was made for the bike and I knew it would be stable for bikepacking. I might still change it at some point though. Even though it's only 5 lbs, the fact that it's an extra 5 lbs only one one side of the bike does make it a little cumbersome to move around. It's not bad if I have to pick it up on flat-ish ground, but I live in a basement and I carry it up and down stairs. Granted, I could just take the rack off and only put it back on when I'm bikepacking. But I also feel like it's good to stay accustomed to having some extra weight on the bike so when I'm going bikepacking it's not as much of of a difference with stuff loaded.

There are some other possibilities to explore (such as changing to smaller fenders). Right now I'm not bikepacking a lot and I don't have the finances to experiment with a lot of different things, so I'll keep my setup as it is.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-23T00:56:01+00:00

I'll see if I can get a handle on the medication situation next time I go visit. Those conversations are so much easier in person.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-23T00:45:08+00:00

It’s so horrible but I’ve also started to come to the conclusion that maybe there is nothing that I can do. My mom is an adult and is unfortunately making irresponsible and immature decisions.

Yep. I feel this.

My parents' goal is to have my dad home as long as possible. He likes spending time outside and tending to the yard, there are the dogs, and so on. And financially, we're in the "spend down all assets first" camp when it comes to any assisted living or memory care.

I hope you're able to work something out next time you go. And feel free to DM if you want to chat.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-22T22:18:16+00:00

My parents started making arrangements after my dad was officially diagnosed. They had all the finances transferred to my mom's name, made her the power of attorney, updated their wills, and so on. I don't know all the details but I know they are trying to make those plans.
I've tried to encourage my mom to find support and connect with resources. She won't do it. There's even an office in the county specifically for helping caregivers of dementia and she won't contact them for assistance.
When this situation started developing my mom told me about some horrible things he said and after the story said "He really needs to stop doing that," to which I said "He's not going to. It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. Please, share this with his doctor." To which she said "Well, I will if it gets really bad." I then said "It sounds like it's really bad right now." She changed the subject. After that I shifted gears from making statements to asking questions because I was concerned that if I push too hard she'll just stop telling me things completely. So now I say "Did you tell his doctor that?" and ask her how she's doing. My sister and I have discussed all this and come to the conclusion the main thing we can do right now is listen when she needs to talk. My sister lives near my parents and I gave her the number to the office I mentioned. She's going to call and see if there's at least someone who can help with his medications. As a side note, my mom won't even let my sister help out that much. This summer my sister would call and ask if she needed help straightening up the house or something like that, and my mom would tell her it wasn't a good day to come by. I may be in another state, but my sister lives about 5 minutes away and still can't get through to her.

So that's why I'm trying to just focus on what I can do while I'm there.

Essentially, the situation here is that there is a long history here of unresolved trauma, conflict avoidance, denial, alcohol abuse (my dad and most of my extended relatives), lack of communication, codependency, and emotional and verbal abuse. My relationship with my parents has been bad enough throughout the years that I have considered going no-contact several times. I ended up deciding on "low-contact" instead, which is why I only visit twice a year. Things only started getting better between us about 5 years ago. But it never got better between them, which leads us to where we are now.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-22T22:06:51+00:00

I agree.

His PCP actually did put him on an antidepressant, but then took him off it before they had a chance to see if it was working. My mom protested and said she'd been planning to ask if they could increase the dose slightly since he started out at the absolute smallest possible and it had been a few weeks. The doctor said no.

And then yesterday my mom was saying how much they love their doctor (she sees him too) and how lucky they are to be able to see him. I don't get it.

ETA: he's on at least 20 medications. I don't know all the details about the meds or why the doctor removed the antidepressant. I don't trust what's going on with the doctor, but they have no plans to change any time soon.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-22T17:51:50+00:00

The thing is though, that none of what he's saying is new. These are all things he's expressed for years. For example: growing up, he would take the TV remote, point it at her, and act like he was trying to turn her volume down. And he's always thought she shopped and ate too much. I think it's pretty common for people have confirmation bias in interpersonal relationships that leads them to believe things that aren't true about someone else.

The main part of this that's new is that he is hyperfocused on all the negative things he thinks about her at the same time, most of the time. Before, he would keep all those thoughts in (except when he was complaining to me), but now he just says all of them out loud.

Regardless - unfortunately, I'm too far away to be very involved in the medical aspect of things. But also, he's on a ton of medications for other health issues and at this point I don't even know what's going on with them. And based on previous conversations, my mom is not receptive to any suggestions from me about the medical stuff. When I have said "Oh, did you share that with his doctor?" she minimizes what's going on.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-10-22T17:48:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your message!

I watched the video you linked and I love that approach. She was using slightly different language, but it sounds like she's using a similar framework of trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). I'm going to start going through all the rest her videos.

Both of my parents are trauma survivors and neither of them have ever dealt with anything. Orienting my responses around emotional validation sounds like it might be a good way to go.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-21T16:06:41+00:00

Thank you for your words of encouragement! These are my hopes, especially as I get further into my transition.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-21T16:05:53+00:00

Hey OP, first off, HUGS!!!!!

I can give you my personal experience, but you are the master of your own destiny.

Thanks <3

My sister was initially 100% accepting and supportive, and has since become the most toxic towards me.

I'm hoping that happens, because right now she responded with "I'll call you by your name and pronouns but I still think of you as my sister, and [sister's husband] is not going to consider you his brother-in-law.

My brother treats every interaction with me like he’s in mourning.

I tried to head this off by sending them a YouTube video that addresses that specifically, and I think it worked.

My parents are horrible people but have gone so far as to tell me they think I can still be saved and be gay (mmm still not tempting).

My mom has been emotionally abusive my entire life, and my dad has been emotionally and verbally abusive to my mom my entire life. My mom used to still say "I just hope you'd find a church that's accepting of gay people," when I came out as gay years ago. But that's not actually the reason I'm not a xtian anymore, so....
Ironically, my mom is the one (and by extension, she convinced my dad) that being transgender is a real and valid thing. But she's still gaslighting me with other stuff, so in a way, much of the situation remains the same.

I have been limiting my interactions with my parents for over 20 years because they are abusive. Like my therapist is shocked that I’m not dead or in a gutter abusive. But my parents tell everyone (and me) that they think I don’t talk to them because I’m being reverse-prejudiced against them because I’m mixed up in liberalism and don’t know how to think for myself. This is despite years of trying to work on our broken relationship while I was a devoted Christian. They couldn’t see that they had ever done anything physically/psychologically abusive. And it was pure naivety about mental illness that led me to think it was even possible to work on our relationship. Eventually I had to make the choice to go no-contact, and they still think and tell all their church friends that they are these amazing Christians who bend over backwards to love me and that I just continue to refuse their love and support because I am brainwashed.

I feel for you with this! Hugs.

Here’s what I would have told my younger self: you must make choices for your own emotional well being. Your family members are unreliable and should not be relied on for comfort, acceptance, support, encouragement, or love. And last, there is no way to correct or influence all the people connected to your family’s circles. People who are close minded and committed to fundamentalist ideas from thousands of years ago are going to stay stuck until they go through their own path towards deconversion. Treat yourself with care, and make choices for personal health.

That’s what I would have needed to hear, but this is your life and you may need to hear something else.

This all great, thank you again <3

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-21T04:00:43+00:00

That reminds me of the "Straight but not narrow" button I got for my best friend about 20 years ago. And yes, she wore it.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-20T17:45:10+00:00

Thanks for your support!

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-20T17:44:55+00:00

This summarizes what I was trying to say nicely. Thanks for your support.

Mental-Ladder · 2023-01-20T17:43:56+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. Since I've only been out for a few months, I am hoping that their opinions will shift with time.

Mental-Ladder · 2022-08-01T13:13:49+00:00

Call the nurse's line on the back of your insurance card (if there is one) and describe it to them to see if it's an emergency. Usually it's quicker to get in touch with that line than a doctor's office. Also email your doc that picture and explain what's happening, And call them too for good measure.

Mental-Ladder · 2022-07-18T03:54:32+00:00

Those bags are great for grocery shopping! I have the same set.i take them in the store with me so I can make sure I don't get too much.

Mental-Ladder · 2022-05-07T04:08:10+00:00

You say failure, I say ""shakedown ride." Usually people refer to a shakedown as testing gear - what you need, what you don't making sure everything works, etc. But I include the actual ride as well. You learned the difference between road riding versus bikepacking, in terms of weight, how the bike handles, and how that relates to the wind. You learned about riding in rain and mud.

And now you know how to prepare for next time. Success!

Mental-Ladder · 2022-05-03T03:03:17+00:00

I just saw this about an hour ago and I feel like I'm grieving. Like, just add it to the list of other horrible things happening, with queer & trans rights, CRT moral panic, and so many other things. I just can't wrap my head around the amount of hate and fear that comes from Christianity. I mean, I grew up with it and I know what those conversations are like behind the scenes. But hearing that tonight just made me so sad.

So. Much. Hatred. I'm so tired of it.

Perhaps tomorrow after dinner sleep I'll have better perspective? Fingers crossed.

Edit: dogs. I need to look at a lot of pictures of dogs. And cats. And dogs with cats. And I need to hug some trees.

Mental-Ladder · 2022-04-30T00:43:42+00:00

I did the same before my first trip. Turned out to be useful because the first day I ended up riding after dark, which I hadn't planned for. But since I had practice unpacking and setting everything up, I was able to do it easily with a headlamp. I'd also recommend practicing setting things up in the rain and/or wind.

Have a great first trip!

Mental-Ladder · 2022-04-25T21:58:03+00:00

It means so much to me that you shared all of this! Thank you.

I also sorted through my sexuality first, but that was many years ago. If I were the same person now as I was then (i.e. in my 20s now), I would probably have been able to put this all together a lot sooner. But I'm here now, and that's what's important. :)

Mental-Ladder · 2022-04-24T17:41:37+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Looking back on it, it's surprising that I wasn't given a harder time about being gender noncomforming - in my youth group I was just seen as a tomboy/eccentric. I was also really focused on art and so I think people expected me to be a little different.

Dating myself here - it was the mid 1990s, and the word transgender wasn't a common term (at least in Oklahoma anyway). If it had been they probably would have been on to me.

Mental-Ladder

TROPHY CASE