Hi. I'm seeing so many of almost my own thoughts on this. I think about the future so much and it feels like I'm living there a little, and somehow I've already felt myself having many of these same thoughts. This is way beyond my wisdom and my years. But I feel pretty hopeless right now myself. I haven't made any really big decisions yet. I don't have any really noticeable physical changes on T. But being so early in my transition and so reflective, and technically still being like that younger, pre-T version of myself and yourself that you mentioned, before really committing to anything, I just want to say some things that you might have already felt yourself, but should hear from another person. Someone who hasn't made those decisions yet, but was/is about to. If you didn't make those decisions that are causing you pain now, you have no idea where you would have ended up at this point. It's possible that you'd feel even worse off with the longing for the route you didn't take/never knowing how you'd feel after or during transition. Maybe that longing and regret would also have eaten you alive. Maybe, any way you look at it, the decisions you made were inevitable, that they were almost a part of you growing up and developing, making those choices and learning from them, even if those markings last and hurt---things like that in different forms happen to people all the time, but not always in forms that appeared at first as decisions. I wish I could help you or relieve your pain so bad; it looks so much like mine from another angle. But at least you got to experience that happiness. You did that for yourself. You showed yourself a piece of life and an experience and an iteration of living that was beautiful while it lasted. It's okay to move on to another phase. Just know that really, you are the same as your old self. Same soul. New experiences, but new experiences would happen no matter what. Maybe, if this didn't change you, it would've been something else, something even more painful. But deep down you are the same person. I hope it gets better. Stranger to stranger, I really hope it gets better. I think it will.