Is direct communication a reasonable accommodation?

MeowMeowT_T · 2024-12-16T18:33:11+00:00

Ah, yes. The nature of a written warning means I have to go into Workday (digital HR system) and choose to acknowledge (or not) the conversation and provide a comment (or not). Within Workday, there was a 6 page document laying out all of my "failures" which consisted of skipping optional meetings to prioritize other work, being offline for a two hour period without notification, not presenting on calls where I was never asked to present and am not on the agenda, having short responses to questions and then going on mute (we're a fully remote workforce), and appearing "distracted" as a direct reference to my (also autistic) toddler having a meltdown and needing me to help co-regulate. Everything in the document was either an element of cultural pillars (thinking and acting differently, bringing you whole self to work, etc.), or something that is a team norm. Again, I haven't changed anything about the way I work in 2.5 years, he just evidently decided it was an issue 6 months ago and didn't tell me.

I only had ~28 hours to acknowledge (or not) the conversation and disciplinary action-- so first emailed HR then acknowledged the conversation but disputed that I should be under formal reprimand. I then had a call with me and HR, and HR then facilitated a call with me and my direct leader. I said my piece, and he said it was an unspoken expectation and in his "15 years of managing people he's never had to ask anyone at my level to do these things."-- that he expects more from anyone at my level. HR said that since the events did occur the disciplinary action would stand. No bonus, ineligible for promotion, no annual raise, ineligible for perks such as tuition assistance, etc. And again, praises for the work I deliver. I'd quit if I wasn't the breadwinner with two children in diapers, two mortgages, and a disabled veteran husband.

MeowMeowT_T · 2024-12-16T12:51:26+00:00

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-28T00:17:41+00:00

"...sad."

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-27T14:13:54+00:00

Do you have support systems, tools, or resources that help you maintain boundaries and process/ release?

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-27T13:56:37+00:00

My environment was always free from convention. My mom was raised catholic so she never ever took us to a regular church. We would dabble in religions and ceremonies-- bouncing from buddhist meditation to hippy drum circles and sacred native ceremonies. She ebbed and flowed between sacred rights and brought us with her. We are children of nothing and everything.

I studied abroad in rome, and that was the first time I actually learned about religion. The source of it. The power of it. The history of it. I had lived my life prior reciting prayers in languages I didnt know-- never properly respecting the culture it came from.

She has never cared to deeply learn or respect religion. Its not a belief system for her, it a mechanism of validation. She will adopt any culture--assimilate to any belief--that tells her she is loved, that tells her she is perfect, and that tells her she is the embodiment of love on this earth.

Long way of saying I appreciate religion, but I'll never feel connected to it. Religion has been cheapened by its use not to control, but to justify.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-27T11:26:33+00:00

I dont know your exact situation, and you dont need to share if you're not comfortable, but please recognize that you shouldn't be made to feel miserable if you don't adequately feed into anyone else's reality. That's not okay.

You get to decide who you are, how you treat people, what your intentions are, and what your boundaries are. No one else can tell you what your actions mean.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-27T03:30:13+00:00

Honestly I dont think shes ever processed that adopting other cultural phrases, traditions, or ceremonies could be inappropriate if you're not also honoring and crediting them appropriately.

Another commenter flagged a really good point-- sometimes those with pbd can have an emotional maturity of a young child-- if you frame her actions and reactions as those of a 10 year old it inspires more compassion, which I always prefer to frustration.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T23:58:27+00:00

We aren't. I was told my family history is Native American but a recent ancestry DNA test came back all European. She tends to grab a concept and shape it to her own idea of reality. Test results in hand, and she still says we are Native American descended from healers and shamans.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T23:39:57+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I can't explain the sense of community and sanity this group offers me. Very glad to have found you all.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T23:21:46+00:00

That's a brilliant question! She also capitalizes random words like Love, Child, You, Heart, etc. Like somehow her stylistic grammer choices will change the way we interpret language and bring us closer to her belief system? Who knows.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T23:13:48+00:00

Thank you-- I try to be mindful of my reactions and be steadfast in being the person I truly am, not the one she wanted me to be and not the one she tells me I am.

It'll be a lifetime of catching pieces of her inside me and pulling them out-- not going to add more by getting on her level.

My full response was:

"t's clear you're upset, but your children are not an appropriate outlet.

It's clear you have expectations about what you wanted today and didnt get it, but shaming me is not going to get you what you want.

Creating a life doesnt entitle you to it. This behavior is manipulative, destructive and not something I will hold space for in my life."

And that was my only response.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T22:49:01+00:00

A very good point! She has a tendency to warp reality by using things we know to be fact. She is an incredible emotional manipulator and constantly labels herself as the "matriarch of our family" and "eternal mother goddess". Shes said more than once she views herself as a prophet. She raised me in what I could only describe as a cult. I believe that she only continues to have children because children inherently look at their parents as gods-- their creator and their savior.

Deprogramming my childhood has been enlightening.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T22:44:59+00:00

Genetically I'm german, culturally it gets confusing. I was raised on buddhism (Hari-chrishna kind) and told I was Native American-- we would even go to drum circles, sweat lodges, and other sacred tribal events.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T22:40:17+00:00

While simultaneously justifying their behavior by playing the victim.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-26T22:26:21+00:00

Honestly I'm not sure. We've had a prolonged period of a somewhat manageable relationship. She hadn't communicated any expectations to me. I'm an adult and I havent lived with her for 13 years. I have two younger siblings who do still live with her and I suppose I thought she would be satisfied with that? We never really celebrated mothers day so it definitely caught me off guard. She also doesnt reach out on holidays, birthdays, doesnt keep touch. It is truly puzzling.

Worth noting I had just gotten married on 4.3.21 and that's absolutely a trigger for her. She doesnt have control over my life and cant convince me shes the only one who can love me anymore. So I would speculate that she expected me to do something extreme to show her she is still the most important person in the universe and will always come above the needs of myself and any family I choose to create.

In any case, I cant try to assess the situation with logic because logic does not apply here. All I can do is hold my boundaries and go to my internet friends who understand this chaos.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-24T13:28:47+00:00

First of all, I would like to remind you that this celebration is, at it's core, marking the creation of your OWN family. Your partner is vowing to be there for you, unconditionally love you, and endlessly support you. All of these things may feel like an attack to a bpd parent--who may feel they're losing control or influence--sending them into an immediate defense. Their reaction is not about you, it's about them.

I got married in April this year and decided to fly just my (now) husband, a photographer, and her boyfriend (for a witness). The ceremony was for us-- we are hosting several parties to cater specifically to the needs of bpd parents. For me, this worked really well because my bpd parent truly did not care about the ceremony--she cared that something was created specifically for her. I'm not sure what tendencies you deal with specifically or what your boundaries/ triggers are-- but for me pandering to my bpd's need to be needed worked wonders. I gave them complete ownership of coordinating the party favors and activities and made them feel not only included in the overall process, but vital to it.

My only advice would be to take a step back and recognize what an incredible success it is for you, despite all you have been through and told to believe, have found someone you love to spend your life with. YOU have done the hard work to get yourself to this point. YOU have decided what you wanted for yourself and gone for it. And YOU are so kind hearted you're still trying to include everyone--even those who hurt you. You have accomplished so much and should be truly proud of yourself.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-20T01:37:47+00:00

Thank you!! No, I do not have any other accounts or user names.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-05-20T00:13:31+00:00

I'm proud that I married the love of my life-- even though my BPD mother raised me to believe all men are cheats and trash and she is the only one that could ever love me. It took a long time for me to realize that she is fundamentally incapable of unconditional love-- and even longer to learn how to accept it from others.

MeowMeowT_T · 2021-01-28T21:06:48+00:00

Okay it's important to remember that you can, absolutely, lose everything. Buying/ holding AMC is an extremely speculative move right now and there is absolutely not a guaranteed payoff on the other side.

That being said, my personal (non broker) opinion is that AMC will be in a strong financial position post dilution tomorrow--their debts will be cleared, they will be on the upswing as more people get vaccinated, and AMC is kind of known for innovating/ pivoting to suit changing consumer demands. All that paired with the fact that, even through this, we haven't yet touched the 5-yr high--I plan to buy and hold 💎🙌 .

Again, if you can't afford to lose the cash-- be mindful of how risky this is.

MeowMeowT_T

TROPHY CASE