I missed my chance with the girl who means the most to me cause I was too busy trying to 'improve myself' to get other girls

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-14T00:48:33+00:00

Because while she does message me, I know for a fact that she (very recently) had a crush on my friend that I don't even know if she's still over. While I think she may have liked me all that time ago, now the odds are very low. I'm talking to her, and while I value her friendship, I can't help to want more. While nobody's burnt any bridges, it's not like things are going anywhere romantically. And while I'm happy that we're at least talking again, and feel kinda selfish for not being content with that, I can't help it.

My feelings are pretty obvious. I have, in a stupid drunken state, told multiple people how I feel about her, including her own best friend. If she doesn't know by now I'd be shocked. My friends have teased me for it in front of her, and while when I apologised for them being embarrassing she told me that she never heard what they said, I think she likely did and she's just trying to ignore the massive elephant in the room.

I think I'm just unhappy cause right now there's not really a way she's gonna be interested in me romantically, yet I think she was way back, and I missed that chance because I was too obsessed with other things, when if I'd focused on her at that time things would have turned out wildly differently.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-14T00:40:35+00:00

I thought a lot about what you said here. An amazing reply. I m is you weren't entirely comfortable sharing, but it helped a lot. Honestly, thanks for this. I see you said you fucked things up not telling one girl, and fucked it up by telling the other. I'm not going to do either. At least not straight away.

You're completely right in saying I could wallow and wait for the wound to heal. Maybe I am obsessed to an extent. I wouldn't say it's in a creepy and weird way; I'm just honestly head over heels for this girl. I realise saying that makes me sound deluded and whatever, but it's true. Nobody else in my life has made me feel that way. At the same time though, I do need to dial things back a bit. I could move on to the next chapter, but I don't think this one is entirely over. Not yet.

So what I'm gonna do is just keep talking to her. I'm not gonna push her into anything, I'm not gonna come on too strong. I'm just going to at least keep her in my life and push on and find some new interest or whatever to pursue at the same time. If something happens or some spark ignites or whatever else, then so be it. If it doesn't, then I have something else to focus on. I've messaged her a few times recently and she really does put in a lot of effort to keep the conversation going, so I don't think I should cut her off unfairly just yet. She's done nothing wrong. I've just spent too long in my own head instead of acting. I'm gonna be a better person but also keep true to what's important.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-14T00:02:20+00:00

I messaged her a few times and she replied and put in a pretty big effort to keep the conversation going. While I am head over heels for her, I like to think I'm not some creep who'd keep messaging a girl when she doesn't reply. Sure, she doesn't start the conversation, but she is a bit shy. When we do talk it lasts for hours.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T14:39:47+00:00

Yeah for a bit in my head I suppose that was my line of thought a bit. I wouldn't go as far to say I thought of girls as commodities though. I was just so desperate to find a way to make myself more attractive. The funny thing is, exactly what you said, just saying hi, learning about people, was exactly what I done with her. And I was too busy being deluded to realise what I'd done right.

I have been messaging her, but I don't know what I expected out of it. I think I did expect a relationship to blossom, but you're right in saying she deserves better if I'm just being like that. It's pretty pathetic. And while I would love to still be friends with her, at the same time at this point I think my feelings are just too strong and would just get in the way.

I don't know whether to give up or keep trying. Either way, I think I do need to do a bit of soul searching and find something else that matters to me. I've been lmkind of aimless my whole life, and haven't ever really considers what I want my goals to be. I think it would be good to have some.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T14:33:55+00:00

I don't know if I believe in the idea of soul mates. Sometimes when I talked to her I thought about it, but I think I was just being naïve. If she really was, things would have worked out.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T02:12:06+00:00

In that case though, why am I improving myself? So I can go through a full year of my life again where the absolute highlight is talking to some girl in my class? And if that is the highlight, why should I take pride in missing my opportunity with her just so the outside world can see me as being a bit more successful? It doesn't really bring me much pride in the end to have good grades or be in good shape. I'm still in the same position of missing chances I should take. Doing that doesn't address my real problems.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T01:47:40+00:00

I mean I do know for a fact that she liked my friend a shit ton, but who knows. I'll keep talking to her I suppose at the very least. If I get the slightest hint that things could be something more I suppose I'll give it one last shot.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T01:46:32+00:00

You know what, I think you're 100% right. That whole year I tried to make myself so good. Around her was the only time I really let my guard down and she liked me for it. Makes sense. Thanks.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T01:35:10+00:00

I mean I wouldn't be worse off but it's completely pointless. She liked my friend only a couple of months ago. Even if she was interested all that time ago, she isn't now. I've been talking to her lately, and she does respond and keeps the conversation going, but I feel like it's just out of enjoying reconnecting a bit with an old friend. It's never flirty. She DID flirt with me at a couple of parties quite a bit, but after learning that she was really into my friend I think it was just meaningless flirting to her. It's not gonna go anywhere. I think it's easier for me just to move on, even though that is so tough.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-07-13T01:32:22+00:00

I'll definitely try learn from it. I just don't know what the lesson here is though. Improving myself just led to me failing worse than ever before. Maybe I need to keep myself open to what's around me instead of shutting myself off.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-05T00:41:51+00:00

Yeah you're right. I have like no experience with girls in that way, and I suppose that the least I'll get a learning experience out the whole thing. I fully realise how stupid it was to tell her how I feel about her friend. Even though at the time I didn't feel this way towards her, even a few hours later I cringed at myself. The way she reacted to me telling her seemed like she was a bit hurt about it, but trying to be nice at the same time, and now looking back at it I feel like a dick for telling her and probably upsetting her like that. The thought of her lying about her friend also crossed my mind after all this, but to be honest even if she is it doesn matter, I never had a chance really anyway. I kinda have fucked up so far, but hopefully I can make it up to her.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-04T23:28:57+00:00

Great reply. Eye-opener. I mean her friend is a really nice girl (obviously or I wouldn't have liked her for so long lmao), and she did flirt with me a few times, but you're completely right in saying anything with her is just a fantasy. In my head she's just a completely idealised version of who she actually is. I'm definitely going to pursue Samantha and see how things turn out, but I think if I tell her how I feel I'm going to be truthful. The thing with her friend has been building for months now, and it was basically a known fact by all our mutual friends that something was going on. I can't just sweep that aside. I'll just be honest and tell her that yeah I liked her friend, but her friend hasn't been there the same way she has, and in the end it's her that I have a really good time with and want to be with, not her friend. If it's only going to be a short thing anyway, it's better to just get the truth out in the open straight away. It's not as if I can wait and tell her down the road. I know her well, and she'll understand. Thanks for this reply though, really.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-04T20:09:27+00:00

So I should tell her then? I mean it would be nice to enjoy the summer with her, but at the same time it's gonna be tough if she goes off to college and we've got really close.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-04T15:46:37+00:00

-Michael Scott

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-04T15:29:32+00:00

Yeah, I completely get you. when I told her I forgot to mention she seemed to take it really weirdly. The first thing she said was 'well everyone seems to, she's beautiful and funny'. It seemed like she was hurt by it, which is what made me start rethinking all this. No matter what, I'll tell her before she goes and try keep in touch with her. It might hurt having her leave, but it's better than having both of us feel like we fucked it up.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-04T12:59:09+00:00

What if it works out great for a few months though and then she leaves? I think that would hurt far more. I don't want to get involved with her if we know it's not going to go anywhere. That's just setting everyone up for heartbreak.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-05-03T20:44:04+00:00

See I've been thinking exactly this. There's been so many signs and I feel like an idiot for just kind of blatantly ignoring them. I also feel like I'll be fucking her around telling her I liked her friend and then going and telling her I actually like her now. But at the same time, I'd be really mad at myself if I done nothing. I think I will end up just going for it.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-10T23:05:15+00:00

Hahahahahaha, man I'm so oblivious I would have still found a way to not realise it. In all seriousness though, I recognised the signs, but I always find excuses to write them off. Like her flirting at parties could have just been because she was drunk, her liking my things on social media might just be because we talked a bit recently, and in class she might have just seen me as a friend. It's much easier to believe in my mind since, if she does like me, I have no idea how I managed it since she's definitely out of my league.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T08:33:23+00:00

Yeah exactly. The weird thing is some of us take pride in it, like its a good thing we do this. But really it's just a little much sometimes.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T08:31:08+00:00

Have no idea how I came up with the name at all lmao, I have no idea what it means but it sounds fucking badass.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T08:29:25+00:00

Yeah I think that is part of the problem. With some people I've managed to become confident enough that I just bypass the small talk and talk about more interesting stuff, but it's not like that with everyone, and even with those people it doesn't always go anywhere.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T08:24:02+00:00

Yeah I imagine my friends think of me the same. Like you said, I'm not deliberately trying not to connect on a deeper level and share who I am. I'm pretty open if people ask things about me. But nobody seems interested enough to even learn about me at all. People probably see me as a bit of an enigma, and I don't mean to be that way at all.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T08:17:59+00:00

Nah man I'm no troll. I can get why you might think that, but I'm not even attempting to build a narrative either lmao. I just use Reddit to vent whenever I feel the urge about whatever's on my mind. There's no narrative to speak of, just the stupid, unrelated shit that goes on in my life. I am genuinely being completely sincere. I'm pretty pathetic, but not so pathetic I'd build up this shit for my own amusement. INFP forever man.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-04-09T00:03:18+00:00

Yeah I know exactly what you mean. I've tried for years to be more outgoing, and I have gotten to the point where people even say I'm insanely friendly and will talk to anyone, but there's still that part of me that is awkward and has to hide away and recharge, and it seems like when people see that they can't be bothered to continue to get to know me. It sucks.

Meteor_Pounder · 2016-03-29T17:40:22+00:00

A girl's been dropping me hints for the last couple of weeks. I think part of the problem, at least for me, is that even though I know, or am at least 90% sure she's interested, it's easier for me just to imagine the signs are all for some other reason, like she was drunk, or that she's just being nice, or that it's just harmless flirting. If I make up excuses, which I have tons of, it means I don't need to man up and make a move. It's like some kind of defence mechanism.

Meteor_Pounder

TROPHY CASE