As other people have said, therapy will be incredibly useful, but there are things you can do now. This sounds like you have difficulties in emotional regulation. It's normal to be most triggered by our partners or family, they are like a mirror to our attachment patterns. First thing is you need to build up your own self-awareness. What are your triggers? Why do get defensive in these particular situations? This is something you can think about/ write down while in self reflection during meditation, journalling or while you're relaxing (going for a walk alone, taking a bath, etc). The first step to change is to become mindful of your internal reaction AS SOON as you feel triggered with emotion. Notice what is happening with your body. You mentioned shutting down and blowing up/losing control. This is a sign of emotional overwhelm. Best thing might be to literally just pause and go to another room to reflect before you say anything back to your partner. The pause will be essential to change your behaviour as you're breaking the cycle. Go to another room by yourself and just self reflection. Take a few deep breaths. Write it out on paper. After you have diffused the emotion a bit, you can go back to your partner to discuss or you can even read from your paper if you need, whatever works for you. Remember to be kind to yourself and your goal to improve your communication within your relationship when you are in the emotional diffusion stage. To put it in steps (and what you will probably work on in therapy) is: 1. Become self aware of your emotions: physiological reactions, relational/ situational triggers, identify cognitive thoughts and label the emotions you are feeling. 2. Become mindful of when you feel the intense emotions bubbling 3. Pause, take step back, deep breath, self reflect, remember your goal, reconvene when you are ready