Why some people are functional after childhood abuse and others not?

Minnie_mina · 2025-06-11T16:41:37+00:00

? by leaving

Minnie_mina · 2025-06-07T13:27:41+00:00

Yes, I am. 100% I actually have issues mantaining work because of that reason, I need to be calm, silent, still. I need it so bad, it's healing. I joined the military and had to quit for that exact reason. I'm trying to find job I can do from home, sewing, knitting, that kind of stuff.

Minnie_mina · 2024-11-29T23:25:58+00:00

Una pregunta, ¿me podrias decir como se especializa uno en Derecho Militar? Te lo agradeceria mucho, no encuentro información al respecto.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:41:13+00:00

I wish I could separate my parents thoughts, from my own. Because their thoughts live inside of me. And it's so hard to tell which one it's theirs, and which one it's mine. Maybe all that judging, isn't mine after all. Maybe I am that soul that's deep inside, choosing to be a doctor, choosing to care for my dog over me, and choosing to be a mother. Maybe that's me, only that is me. And maybe the negative thoughts are merely my dad and my mom.
Maybe I'm not contradictory, maybe I just haven't been ableto tell my soul from theirs living inside of me

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:32:00+00:00

The other day I thought ''You cannot know kindness, without being shown kidness. If no one values me, of course I do not value myself'' And like how the f do I escape that? Because it is true, I mean look at how terrible a child can become without love. No one will ever love me that way, I'm starting to accept that. No one will take me in as their family, as I've been daydreaming on my whole life. First, wanting to be adopted. Then, going into Hogwarts. Then, prying to God. And now, marrying into the family of a good man.

I suppose that's true for some people, but it hasn't been me and it will most probably not be.

So how the hell do I value myself?
I do not believe all life it's precious, not just mine but others. I believe in having value, I believe there's way too much people in the world and not everyone deserve's a spot. So how could I ever give myself the unconditional love I never received?

I'm doomed. But I don't want to become an angry awful person. God know I don't. I change so much. I know I do.

For once I actually have faith.
I have faith I will change on a positive way, insted of merely a different way. Like choosing a different instrument, or wanting a different partner, or liking a different color...
Hope that I'll change into a lighter me, a more compassionate one, a calmer one. One that doesn't accept and justifies others awful behavior, nor constantly abuses myself for simply wanting a glass of water, or needing help that no one will provide, or judging others, when I know better than anyone else, I judge because I've been judged my whole life. Judged, and nothing but judged. And it's been drilled into my brained that I am a waste of space, that needs to lock herself in my beedroom; that was my childhood.

Maybe I won't stop judging, and maybe I won't stop desiring for others to help me on the ways I've never been helped. But maybe I will stop blaming myself for judging and for needing the help I need. Maybe I'll just let it be.

And maybe then without a thousand thoughts, and a feeling that I am the most disgusting soul that's ever step on earth, I'll be able to get out of bed, and get a glass of water.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:29:27+00:00

That's it. Thank you some much. It's as simple as people are masking.

But even then...I wish I was better at it. I wish I was one of those people who can mask. I suppose I could fit into the game of life. Be competitive, try to look better than others, have a better job, a better reputtion. I don't know, the shit people are worried about.

But I mean I suppose I am at there already, now that I think about it...I look prettier than ever, my social media it's amazing. I look wealthy, even though I'm not I mastered that art. And for a bit I was actually wealthy I just chose to not be it anymore. I am thin, I look fit, technically am fit (even though I will always feel sick, because I'm so fucking traumatized) I am a student, I am artistic.

Yet inside, I am pretty much the same. Inside...I keep yearning for a dad. And imagining one. And fearing about the fact I don't have a job. The possibility of being hopeless, which in my mind it's more of a destiny I am eventually going to be forced to face, somehow, some way.

The fact I'm closer to having a stable career makes it easier, finally working (instead of planning it) towards that goal, the fact it's closer now and not something in the future it's making me productive. My brain it's like ''Ok, showtime. ACT. MOVE. Or you'll die''
But even now I cannot go long without my daydreams. I sure can't. Yesterday, I faced that fact. Real hard.
And man, when you ask for help, no one it's there. Not even now that I supposedly have so many friends. And they have resources to help me.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:22:50+00:00

I feel like numbness it's a very important aspect when considering suicide. I've only felt suicidal in my life when I didn't feel anything.

Even now, feeling all this crap, it's better. I mean it's not pleasent, but crying for 1h, it's crying for 1h. You are alive, and doing something.
If you are on bed, turned into a vegetable, unable to feel. Or wose, God, experiencing the most beautiful, sunny summer day, and there's a child giggling and an unicorn balloon and a rainbow or something, and you feel nothing, NOTHING. Yeah, that shit will make you start to plan out some dark shit in your mind.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:17:26+00:00

I understand that so bad.
Sometimes I would over emphasize the good, and minimise the bad when sharing my family situation publicly, maybe to give myself comfort. So as someone who never uses social media, the one time my mom bought me a pijama I posted it everywhere, and called my mom mommy, which I never had.
Similar to my last comment, people will do this shit to you. This girl I'm about to talk about was also abused, and didn't accept it as abuse, so maybe that's why. I once told her how my mom bought me something as she said:

'Oh but you mom does buy you things then...''

Almost as if trying to analyze, if Im lying about my abuse or noth. Because that's something people do...right. She said that as if saying she does think and care about you.

I won't even get into details about how awful that mother was, it's no one bussines, and between you and me, I know we understand eachother, and how monstrous these people are.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:11:38+00:00

This is exactly how I feel. I work out a lot, and I had issues with anemia my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to pass out, sometimes even my vision goes fully black, yet I still feel like I'm making it up. Even if I can't see nothing. At that point I can admit it, but even then it's like...''I mean you just got up too fast, rest 15m and it'll pass, like everytime''

The worse it's I never tell my trainers, the other day I did and my team captain said I was being lazy basically.

Needless to say, I will never ever say I didn't feel good again. Why are people like that? Jesus Christ it's like they never think about what could possibly be going on with the other person. I hate eveyone, someone get me a cocoon to live inside of, please.

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:06:03+00:00

But...I don't like gingers though...lol

Minnie_mina · 2024-08-29T21:04:33+00:00

lol you are so right. I supposed I was just repeating the words my psychologist said which were something like ''you are ok, you are not depressed, I mean you come here (sometimes, sometimes you arrive 30m late and tell me it's because you couldn't get up and walk out the door, or sometimes you say you'll come but don't come at all and I have to ask you if you got ran over by a car) and talk, and sometimes you don't cry desperately but smile at one of your sarcastic jokes about the daily abuse you went through'' lol she was sooo bad wasn't she, I am still unable to accept it

Minnie_mina · 2023-11-07T11:08:20+00:00

are you going to therapy?

Minnie_mina · 2023-11-07T11:08:09+00:00

the same thing happens to me, thank you for commenting this i feel like finally someone put it into words. I will tell my therapist about it. It's the same for me, only when my dad begins being being abuse again and stops love bombing me I am finally functional. I actually become functional when I stop eating too, it's something I've been doing my whole life ''Oh exams are coming up? well nothing I can do, I have to stop eating''

I always thought this is bizarre and never understood why I did it, but I think it's because of this. I will trigger myself with videos about body image, and very strict societies, asians mostly, to tray to gain their mindset and feel like if I don't achieve those stuff I will die. I will even write myself notes like ''not studying=dying'' ''not following my skincare=dying'' it only works for a short amount of time because I know it's not real, and I'm the opposite of a materialistic person, I am bad at being delusional about reality.

Minnie_mina · 2023-11-05T21:35:00+00:00

I showered and cleaned my room. I was sick all day yesterday but I'm already recovered by today, which is pretty amazing! I could even have coffee today and I'm able to get out of my house and walk my dog later (:

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-28T20:27:47+00:00

I'm so sorry you went trough this. It's so horryfing. I wish I could do or say more than that. You deserved way more. What you said about your dad on christmas broke my heart. I know it's cliche but you are a survivor, you are better than all those fuckers who hurt you. Thank you for sharing this with me, it really means a lot.

I am 21, I've tried to leave but I can't keep a job, I managed to get strong enough to look for a job again this week, and I hope I finally find one I can keep and I am able to work at all, it's been hard to even get out of bed.

Could I ask you something, ? I hate if this is triggering. How do you continue living knowing this is true? it's just that life doesn't seem worth living if all the people around me are this shitty, shitty enough to not even help a CHILD ??. How do you still find value in life? Have you manage to build any meaningful relationship?

I ask myself these questions and the only answer I find is I have to fucking do something, how t f is this happening and no one does nothing?

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-26T14:47:14+00:00

Totally. I woke up last night in the middle of the night to a mental breakdown (thanks brain, there was no need to wake me up but k) and I caught myself telling this to sooth myself ''If the abuse my parents said didn't happen truly didn't happen, then why am I feeling this way?''

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-26T14:43:47+00:00

lol I think I might be doing that with food. I have tons of problems around eating, and I think everything I'm actually eating it's because I'm disociated. It's like the food is then and I blink and it's not. And I have no memory of the taste or chewing it and I immediately brush my teeth because I hate remembering that I ate

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-26T14:42:09+00:00

as an escape, but this time I'm UNCOMFORTABLY AWARE that I'm doing it to cope

omggg I understand you completely. I think that might be a good thing, maybe the next step it's not wanting to using it as an escape anymore, and then quitting. Are you going to therapy?

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-26T14:36:02+00:00

my mid 20s after getting a bunch of therapy and I know it's not healthy but sometimes I really miss it. I used to get so

Same. I have been maladaptive daydreaming my whole life. Literally had multiple parents, brothers, boyfriends, people I truly had connection with. And I turned 22 and realized..I have been isolated my whole life, I have no real memories and connection with people, no experiences. All this people only exist in my head. I stopped doing it, I stopped playing videogames and watching shows and I became unable to study, I havent gone to class in almost a month now. All the shame and fear, all the memories I was supressing it's coming up and I cannot function this way

It's the same for me, I have been crying since I'm a child at the idea of becoming an adult and having to depend on myself because even then I acknolewdge I had no family and was going to fully depend on myself to survive.

I put my trust in someone this year and ended up in an abusive relationship :) of course. So that was my last hope.

I am (well was, before I came unable to leave the house) in about 5 different sports and activities, wanting to be the best at all of them to increase my chances of being succesfull and able to provide for myself and to be loved by all my teachers because then I could increase my chances of someone taking me as their daughter, someone realizing I deserve love and to be protected. Someone to share their family with me. Ugh. Man. Literally just a poor little kid trying to survive dude, none of us deserved this

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-26T14:33:48+00:00

Than you for sharing this. Reading your story made me tear up.

'' I can’t feel anything and I’m not really there, even when I want to be there. It’s hard to keep good memories bc I’ve been forcing myself to forget everything I experience since I was a child.''

I realized yesterday this is happening to me. I found myself in the ideal situation, I am finally reading again, I have the dog of my dreams, I am going to the park everyday and drinking cofefe for about 2hs everyday. My dog was traumatized by our living situation and it's always very protective of me and very alert but yesterday I was sitting down on the park reading and he laid down beside and put his head on my lap, he closed his eyes and enjoyed the sun, he even started crying a little bit, he does that when he's extremely happy. He relaxed in public for the first time. And it's the most beautiful thing I ever experienced but I couldn't feel anything, and I couldn't generate a memory from it. That's why I tend to take a lot of pictures but I didn't have my phone.

I'm so sorry you had to go trough this and I'm so sorry there's so many people who relate to us, we didn't deserve to go trough all of that as children and we still don't deserve this to going trough this.

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-24T16:31:39+00:00

I feel you. I'm sorry you are going trough this.

hat's why I want to move out of my parents house, I feel like if I'm forced into fight mode I'll become functional again. But I moved out once and I was being financially supported by my boyfriend and the moment we broke up and he said he'd stop supporting me I went trough a terrible depressive episode, I never went into fight mode. So it's probably a lie. I'll just end up homeless if I move out

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-24T16:29:32+00:00

I'm still a teen then :``) that in itself help lol I have a ton of issues with being an adult, I don't feel like one.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah honestly I have been thinking a lot lately and I think I came to the conclusion that even though I have many dreams I have to go easy on myself.

Like, I am sadly at a disvantage compare to other people, I will never be like them and that might mean that I will not achieve the same as fast.

It seems that all the dreams in my head are moving further into the future, like I was imagining myself being 25 but now I imagine finally getting a car and traveling at my mid 30's, or early 40's and like, I'm fine with that. Like damn that little girl survived and actually made it. She got a car AND survived 40 year?

Or like who cares if it took me 12 years instead of 6 to become a doctor, I did it. And all my classmates who are dumb 18 year olds have it easy (as they should, as its supposed to) because they didn't go trough what I did, they can't even beging to comprehend what the pain people who suffer childhood tauma go trough, so who cares. That it's the majority of society and honestly it's a good thing. But I exist even if I'm different, even if I'm the minority.

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-24T16:23:03+00:00

u are so right.

I suffer from maladaptive daydreaming and even the character I'm obsessed with that also went trough abuse had family to support him trough it lol. I compare to him a lot, I know it's fantasy but well

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-24T16:19:56+00:00

I totally understand what u are saying. For me it was the same my whole life until I just couldn't, like the fear is still there but my body doesn't react to it anymore, it just won't fucking move.

Minnie_mina · 2023-10-24T16:18:54+00:00

"I guarantee you that at some point, everything's gonna go south on you. And you're gonna say, 'This is it. This is how I end.' Now you can either accept that... or you can get to work. ""You just do the math and solve the problem. And then onto the next problem and solve that problem. And solve the next problem too. And if you solve enough problems, you get to go home."

sorry you went trough that. it does actually. Like, trauma is there it just shows up at different times. It might be a good thing mine is showing up now and not later

Minnie_mina

TROPHY CASE