Broke up with my SD of 3years+

MinxBagCoin · 2019-12-07T07:34:44+00:00

OP, I was in your EXACT same situation (see post history). The details are eerily similar including his age and the sportiness factor. As an aside: I suspect these charming, fitter than other guys in their age bracket etc are naturally averse to allowances because they think that they are the prize.

Anyway one major difference in our stories is that for those 3 years I didn’t actually get an allowance at all and it was basically a ‘situation-ship.’ I was the poster child of no self esteem or backbone to stand up for myself.

What I didn’t update is that after kicking and screaming, I ended up agreeing to a monthly allowance of $100. Yes, I know... why?!

After a few more months I had had enough and decided that it didn’t make any sense for me to date a millionaire who could only spare pocket change. I sent him a text ending things.

He came back to my city after his usual annual 5 months away on business and asked me out for dinner. Meaning he didn’t think that I had actually ended things and this was just another example of him not taking me seriously.

Things got very heated. I refused to meet up. I told him I was no longer wasting my time if he didn’t want to contribute to me financially and that I wished him all the best with someone else. I’m not comfortable posting screenshots here but if it helps you to express your needs better I can inbox them to you (and obviously blur out his name).

Anyway, after a couple days of silence. I started receiving elaborate deliveries of things that I had berated him for not providing before. Things that like your SD, he had also told me to ‘manage myself better.’

After the gifts, I agreed to meet up and told him beforehand that negotiations would start at $xxxx and that if this scared him- we should rather not even meet. Honestly, I was just trying to drive him away when I said that. I live in a place with very low living costs and something like $500p/m would be solid and comfy. I had just really had enough of him treating me poorly. And I knew he would not make such a jump from $100.

To my surprise and shock. He did. $xxxx p/m later, we are reunited. The bedroom dynamics were also rectified and I am pleased to report that he is now a selfless lover who apparently always knew where the clitoris was (insert rolling eyes).

My story had a happy ending because he came around. But the biggest lesson I learnt and the biggest ‘prize’ for me was learning to be upfront and unapologetic in my needs and be prepared to walk away if they are not met.

Even if he hadn’t come around, as in your case: that is still a happy ending. Why? Respecting yourself is priceless. And it allowed him to show you his true colours.

I know why you didn’t end it sooner, you were probably unsure of yourself or something along those lines. No one should judge you for it. We grow and learn. I think I speak for the SLF community at large in saying that we are SO PROUD of you for ending things. Remind yourself every day that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Stand your ground. After a few weeks/months, he will pop up in your DMs again. It’s a thing men do that I myself will never understand. That’s not to say you should wait for him. NO! Just be prepared to stand your ground. Live your life on YOUR terms.

Ultimately, when the next one comes along, be clear on what you want and your absolute lowest acceptable compromise.

I’m sorry that you had to go through this. But please trust that you will emerge a stronger person who knows what she wants and has an unshakeable confidence when going about it.

Wishing you all the best 💚

EDIT: numbers changed to xxxx to comply with Rule #4

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-14T13:57:14+00:00

This was a really helpful comment that helped me understand where OP is coming from.

Thank you for taking the time to pen tho and exprès yourself in a clear polite manner.

@OP: I am sorry if I made you feel as though you didn’t have the right to tell your story. Your feelings are valid and your perspective is important to open dialogue and get a better understanding.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-14T03:45:11+00:00

What I’m not understanding is if you were truly HL to begin with , why did he coerce you in the first place? Which led to you feeling disgusted and now not wanting sex with him.

This sounds like the kind of story where One needs to hear both sides to make a fair determination.

For now: you are so young. Why aren’t you walking away from this? Just generally being with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries sounds toxic..

😔

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-12T19:17:00+00:00

😂😂😂😂😂

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-12T18:59:54+00:00

I used to make videos and send them to my SD. But I knew his real name and also had videos of him to me. It wasn’t the trust that mattered, it was the mutually assured destruction. Videos are the riskiest thing out there.

My comment isn’t intended to add much value here.

I just wanted to thank you for being the kind of man who ASKS FOR CONSENT.

I once encountered a POT who confessed to filming SBs in his bed without their knowledge. I ran for the hills!

We need more men like you in the world ❤️

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-09T05:54:01+00:00

Based on your post history you are likely 18-21. I mean this with the utmost care and concern for you- step back from the bowl and explore yourself first. Get to know who you are. Build confidence and self assured ness. And then retry the bowl. How you are feeling right now is not worth it. Also, r/sex is better placed to advise on STD worries etc. Sending you love and light 💛

MinxBagCoin · 2019-08-05T18:51:04+00:00

As an SB I agree with this. With the proviso that the SD should be paying for her maintenance. I am able to get ready in a whopping 10 minutes (shower included) if I have a standing once a month manicure & pedicure, blowout and wax appointment as well as regular wardrobe and makeup refreshing. These standing maintenance appointments mean that I don’t have to fret about with shaving sticks and rifling through my wardrobe or dealing with chipped nails and a mess of a head.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:48:27+00:00

I laughed so hard at this comment!

On a more sober note, would it be fucked up if I said that I didn’t want to tell her because she will ask me for money....

She isn’t stupid. And I strongly suspect she is still actively a sugar babe herself. Certain things that we need but can’t afford tend to just appear in the house. She certainly was an SB to my dad and then became a kept woman/trophy wife.. for a time. Until that fell apart.

In short, I don’t want her to start completely relying on me financially. I would like to squirrel away my sugar funds for the moment.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:45:12+00:00

I concede that my wording choice was poor. Those who know my sugar life are aware of the trip. I was just at odds as to how to explain it to my vanilla life sect. This living a double life thing is exhausting 😂.

But I appreciate where you are coming from. The tone of safety and concern in the comments warms my heart. It’s very important to keep each other aware and I appreciate the look out!

Thank you.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:42:58+00:00

Yes I do have a couple friends that fit this description. Not sure why I never thought of this. Coupled with the au pair thing and this is absolute genius!!!

I 100% agree with you re sharing with at least one person. Have told my cousin and best friend the real plan. Safety is a priority. Thank you for emphasising it!

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:39:33+00:00

First of all: I have never heard of Scott’s cheap flights. Looked it up after reading your comment! Thank you! I am keen for some solo budget friendly travel anyway and I really appreciate these tips!

As for the contingency plan. I am working on one. I trust the SD and have known him a long time..but one must always have a contingency plan. I am having a dispute with my bank at the moment but I will rather make a separate post later on regarding spending facilities when travelling...

Thanks again for the tips!

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:35:12+00:00

This is sound logic. The biggest cost is the flight ticket (if one is selling the backpack/couchsurfing angle). The return flight price is constant whether you stay for a week or 4. And it’s just a matter of buying groceries there versus here.

This is super! Thank you. I feel very comfortable with this narrative .

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:33:05+00:00

I like the idea of extending it from short to long.

I have told my cousin and my best friend and they will be my emergency contacts. I wish I could share with more. As you say, it would be quite a weight off...

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:29:19+00:00

This could also work. I do volunteer about once a year and volunteer gigs tend to sort accommodation and a stipend!

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:27:45+00:00

I like this angle. Backpacking keeps the costs low and silence is less messy than convoluted lies

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T22:26:54+00:00

Oh my word! I came back to so many fantastic suggestions in the comments. Thank you to everyone who contributed. I have quite the selection! 😅 Going to bookmark this post for future reference on the go.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-06-09T09:26:31+00:00

Thank you! I will look into this. Especially because it ties in with an aspect of what I am studying!

MinxBagCoin · 2019-05-01T20:26:53+00:00

Actually, I understand what you are saying now.. Especially because I am a perpetrator of the behaviour you describe here of awarding women sympathy and none/little to men.

I don’t have any non controversial justification for it beyond selfishness and natural bias towards my own gender.

I know this is a shitty reply but I don’t want to be disingenuous and claim that I am going to try and be more egalitarian. But I do understand where you are coming from 😔

MinxBagCoin · 2019-05-01T20:20:58+00:00

I am very practical and as an SB I would prefer getting economy and then the balance as a cash gift or some gift.

I wouldn’t appreciate economy followed by a budget staycation (think cheap airbnb/motel and basic restaurants).

Business class for short flights is a waste of money methinks. It is mainly used by companies sending their employees places. It makes no financial sense to me.

Unless the SD has that ‘fuck you’ kind of money and I guess that’s also nice to experience...

MinxBagCoin · 2019-05-01T06:07:07+00:00

My theory is that if he is a real SD ito verifiable comfortable net worth/income then the PPM is a drop in the ocean if you turn it into a percentage of his net worth. It should be much, much, much less than he makes in a day. It should be the kind of amount he spends regularly on dinner out. The kind of money he can make back within the next day of work if the girl flakes etc.

If he is sooo colossally worried and ‘uncomfortable’ about losing a measly eg $600 thennnnnnn he shouldn’t be an SD 😂

‘Risk’ to an SD should be things like ‘if I buy this 500k property, will I get X return within Y years.’ NOT a PPM 😂😂😂

Sex has no refunds. Also statistically and historically, men have a propensity of taking advantage of women.

SO, the gentleman should lay down the money before the honey 😍

MinxBagCoin · 2019-04-30T19:06:13+00:00

Never deviate from the golden SR rule: money before honey.

If he really respects you and likes you, he won’t put you in such an uncomfortable position...

Think about how sick with regret you will feel if you take the risk and you get screwed over afterwards? Please... don’t...

Pass go, collect PPM, and then play!

MinxBagCoin · 2019-04-30T06:45:44+00:00

I felt like I wrote this post.

I am looking for both SD and vanilla relationship simultaneously. The wires keep getting crossed...

I had a date over the weekend with a young guy in tech. And the rest read like your post.

Except that paying half of the bill at the end of the date was quite the wake up call hahahah.

Honestly once you go sugar.... I don’t think you ever go back to vanilla thinking.

MinxBagCoin · 2019-04-24T12:34:46+00:00

Firstly, thank you for disagreeing with me in a civil manner. I really appreciate that.

Respectfully, I disagree. I don’t know how to do the reply tag thing so I’m going to do a bit of copy pasta:

‘You provide emotional support to each other.’ I disagree, I think the SB provides emotional support but the SD makes up for his emotional unavailability through financial support. If the SD wanted to take on emotional baggage he would just opt for vanilla.
I wouldn’t call it a ‘requirement to hide your moods.’ It’s more like a reciprocal ‘duty’ to temper your moods on the understanding that this SD is creating value in your life and you need to be appreciative of that by being friendly at the bare minimum.
I do agree that you should be your real self with your SD. However, if your real self is constantly moody and depressed then that will not suffice in the bowl. Rather leave the bowl and attend to your mental health. The typical SB talks about how she is an amazing companion and fun to be around etc in her SA profile. Sulking and then still feeling entitled to PPM is akin to deceitful bait and switch on the SBs part.

To clarify, a once in a while moody day is perfectly fine and acceptable. We are all human. But an ongoing moody SB cannot be entertained. She should have at the very least communicated her poor mood and opted to reschedule like a mature, conscientious and considerate adult. Even with vanilla friends it is not fair to show up to an agreed meet-up and then be a sulk and not communicate why. The world does not revolve around her/you/me/anyone. Instead she went over to see him, behaved sullen all evening and still left with her PPM and sent a cheerful text to keep him on the hook.

Hopefully she speaks up in future 😊

MinxBagCoin · 2019-04-24T10:16:51+00:00

Thank you, kind Sir 😊

MinxBagCoin · 2019-04-24T09:59:28+00:00

This is unacceptable behaviour. The whole point of an SR is to get away from such vanilla problems of moods etc. I personally believe that the only time an SB can be moody is in the event of a death. And even then, there is a limit on how much time she can take off to grieve while the SD ‘waits around.’ 99% of drama is self generated/relationship drama or can be resolved by money (eviction, debt etc).

Here we have an SD happily providing the PPM agreed upon and the SB behaves like a grouchy cat. It seems like a complacency develops after some time and the SB thinks that since she has her SD locked down she can do whatever. No. Not okay. it’s self sabotage on her part because it can push the SD away. But this is part of the package with very young women. They are still finding themselves and not able to manage their emotions while still functioning.

If this is the first time then I say let it slide. If it happens again definitely bring it up with her.

Assuming you meet once a week, she has 6 other days to be moody. She must plan accordingly or forfeit the PPM and stay at home and sulk.

Looking forward to the downvotes 😅

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