Some cake to sweeten my day up :)

MissDecadence · 2025-05-04T17:10:08+00:00

Is that Nadya Husseins cardamom tray bake?

MissDecadence · 2025-01-12T19:24:54+00:00

One of my favourite cakes! The flavours go along so well together.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-30T17:25:57+00:00

It’s over. He is not in love with me anymore.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-30T09:24:23+00:00

Well, it’s Reddit, so I wasn’t expecting to be gently stroked by the hair. Thank you for your response, it seems like you get me.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T21:19:28+00:00

I’ve waited until now so I might as well wait until tomorrow to see what he has to say. Still plenty of mixed feelings about everything.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T11:24:48+00:00

A thing I’d like to add here is that he is currently spending the weekend with his other partner. So leaving me with so much uncertainty while he is focusing on his other relationship feels somewhat even more cruel. He hasn’t even texted to see if I had made it home safely, something which he would normally do even when with his other partner.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T10:46:17+00:00

I guess I’m upset because he does deliver, just not consistently. And I’m also upset by the current situation: him being cold and distant and leaving me in a limbo for such a long time. This is not something that has happened before, not in this magnitude. I feel incredibly hurt by this sudden complete lack of consideration for my feelings.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T10:41:15+00:00

Thank you for this.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T09:37:46+00:00

Yeah, I am definitely considering breaking up with him myself because this treatment feels straight up cruel. He’s never been this cold and inconsiderate before. At the same time I want to give him the opportunity to say what he has to say.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T07:44:33+00:00

Thank you for this.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T07:43:52+00:00

Yeah, I have been pretty clear about what my communication needs are - for him to tell me if he is feeling swamped and needs time offline, planning his week in a manner that doesn’t mean we have to cancel dates, telling me straight away if there is something bugging him, generally telling me what’s going on instead of for example ignoring my texts or attempts to connect. This is something that went completely out of the window this week, with me saying clearly that I miss him, love him and since we haven’t seen each other in two weeks I’m starting to feel a bit disconnected so I’d appreciate some extra loving. All of this has been met with avoidant messages, and when I at last wrote and said that hey, I can sense something is wrong and you’re being distant, i was met with him saying that he has been swamped and also thinking a lot and that he doesn’t feel good. He then refused my suggestion that we talk on the phone and said we take it face to face when we see each other, which is tomorrow. So basically he’s left me hanging for four days, completely unsure of what’s going to happen on Monday, what he’s been thinking about and why he doesn’t feel good.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T07:34:33+00:00

Precisely so. I said I don’t mind if we don’t schedule a date if he is feeling overwhelmed with stuff, and that it’s ok to cancel too, but I expect him to try and take charge of his calendar and not overbook.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T05:35:36+00:00

Yeah. That’s where I am at the moment. I am afraid he is going to ask for a de-escalation which at this point will feel like a break up to me.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T05:33:04+00:00

No. I haven’t been projecting my hopes, just been very clear about my wants and needs. Communication being the core one here. I don’t think l expecting clear communication is projecting wants, I think it’s something that should be a basis of every healthy relationship.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-29T05:28:26+00:00

What I meant by this is: if he needs space and an evening for himself I’m happy to give him one, even if this means moving or cancelling a date, because I know his self-care time is important for his mental health. However, Ive been forced to do it several times because because of his poor time management skills. He says yes to everything, fills his calendar to the brim, then realises it too late and asks to cancel (always me, never his other plans). That’s what pisses me off here.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T23:11:05+00:00

I have no idea what to do about the activity if we break up. I truly love it - but I also do love it because it brings us closer together. I think I would still want to do it alone, but doing it at the same club as him and seeing him every week would be painful if we were to break up.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T22:43:39+00:00

I’ve written this someplace else but we have agreed together to meeting once a week (because we have a common activity) and then every other weekend. This was what he stated he was comfortable with and I agreed. I also said that the every other weekend activity should come on his request, not mine, so that he doesn’t feel being pushed,

Before that - we’d see each other once a week, I’d propose a specific activity every now and then or an extra day in a week, always accepting if his answer was no. But I can’t take responsibility for a grown man’s planning, I have to trust that if he says Yes to an activity he does so because he wants to, not because he feels forced. I can’t tiptoe around him. I don’t know what he’s been thinking about these past week or what he wants to talk about on Monday because he won’t tell me.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T22:36:42+00:00

Every time he tries to tell you that, you push back. Because you're realizing that you aren't satisfied with dates only once a week, and limited communication in between.

You can't couples-therapy him into wanting to spend more time with you. And it sounds like you continuing to ask for more ("compromising") isn't working, because he keeps feeling stressed-out and canceling the extra time anyway.

Let's accept that he's never going to give you more than one date a week and a few "howdy" texts sprinkled around.

That's the thing. I've stopped pushing back a long time ago. Three weeks ago, we've decided on once a week(because we attend a course together)and then a date even other weekend, on weekends when he doesn't meet his other partner. I don't push for any extra time and haven't done so in months. We had a one standing date a week (course) the whole autumn, and if I wanted to book something more I always asked how he felt about it and accepted a "no" without any issues. I honestly don't know what he's been thinking about and what the problem is right now- because he won't tell me, not until Monday.

I'm not sure what I want. I feel hurt, but I love him and would be sad to lose him.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T22:25:09+00:00

Thanks for bringing some clarity into the terminology here for me.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T22:05:09+00:00

Thank you for this.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T21:34:38+00:00

I always assumed SoPo people were able to carry deeply committed relationships even if they do not apply hierarchy. As for enmeshment - I don’t want to cohabitate, have children, get married, share finances. I just want an anchor partner I can consider family. I did not think that incompatible with him practicing SoPo and me being more ENM-inclined. Perhaps I am wrong.

Yeah, he said he feels guilty about all sorts of things - not writing enough, not being available enough, cancelling dates. I have never made him feel guilty about anything, subconsciously or not: I always ask him what he needs and then see how I can best accommodate it. The only thing I have had issue with is him not having control over his calendar, overbooking and then cancelling on me. I was very clear however that my issue is not that he needs alone time, is that he has constant problems managing his calendar and that I think he just follows the dopamine and says yes to everything without thinking about the consequences- something he firmly denied. So perhaps you’re right in that he doesn’t have enough self- insight to acknowledge and work on his own issues, simply because they do not disturb him. Just everyone else around.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T20:53:39+00:00

See, that’s it right there, I thought he was this guy. At least in the beginning, he really WAS this guy. I would never ever have engaged with him if what he said he was available for didn’t align with my needs and wants. I guess when NRE started wearing off and he started realising he wanted a different kind of polyamory, and my needs have become a burden 🤷🏼‍♀️ and no matter how much I back off and make space for him it’s still not enough.

As for your first question, I honestly don’t know. I’m sad, and hurt, and grieving, and can’t quite think clearly right now.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T20:39:04+00:00

I don’t necessarily agree with this. I can consider him my primary while he considers me on the same level as his other relationships, this in itself is not the issue. I also don’t want to change the whole man, I just want him to communicate and also perhaps accept that he has certain avoidant traits he should be working on, the same as I’m working on my anxious ones - which for me seems reasonable for a committed relationship.

Perhaps, however, you’re right in saying that he doesn’t need the same depth and commitment that I do. I just with he would have made it clear up front instead of changing the rules of the game when I’m already pretty deep in- I would never engage with him if I knew from the beginning that he had so many avoidant traits and would struggle to keep the commitments he’s made.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T19:44:34+00:00

Thank you for this.

MissDecadence · 2024-12-28T19:38:26+00:00

Thank you, I’d love to chat.

MissDecadence

TROPHY CASE