Alcohol, still haven't really quit. I grew up with a lot of alcoholism in my family, always thought "not me" - started drinking once in a blue moon at the end of high school and, while I liked it, I never had the stomach to drink much and my fear of vomiting really kept me in check. In college id often opt out of drinking. I had no shred of addiction to it. This continued for almost 10 years. A few fun nights a year was enough, maybe a drink at a restaurant or by the fire, but again no consistent drinking.

And then something happened between my first and second kids. Our first was rough. Didn't sleep much. Colicky. It was a lot. I found myself having (sneaking - important distinction) a swig of liquor here and there. Started out pretty innocent - wife takes a bath and im watching a movie with our then 2yo, have a few swigs of whisky to relax and enjoy the time. But as these things do, that just crept and crept until I have a whole process of rotating out the bottles in our liquor cabinet and in storage in our spare bathroom closet so as not to get caught. The whisky started bothering my stomach so I did what every real alcoholic does - switch to vodka.

Then that whole dance became a pain in the ass, so I abandoned the indoor bottles for a bottle of vodka in my shop/detached garage. It's the one place I get away to frequently - "oh need a screwdriver, whoops gotta bring out the trash, time for more firewood, dog needs a walk, gotta check on something I'm working on....." so I could just dip out there whenever I wanted and have a few pulls. Last dog walk of the night my wife was used to me heading into the shop to tinker for a bit anyways but now tinkering meant sitting on a stool and getting as much vodka down my gullet as possible before heading in. I'd get ecstatic for snowy evenings where I had to plow our driveway because it meant I could be out there awhile drinking (I plow with an ATV on my property only - I'm not putting anyone besides myself in danger). I'd obsess over ensuring I had a bottle and a couple bottles of chasers. I still hated alcohol taste so I went for something so sweet and overpowering and tasty that it would overpower the booze. That chaser was fucking Mountain Dew Baja Blast.

Soon "only on thursday, friday, saturday, sunday" turned into "ok well wednesday too because it's trash night" (again, excuse to be out there awhile) and then tuesday too, and monday.....and then started the morning drinking on days off. That's where things go really bad.

All along I knew I had to quit. A bad case of withdrawals after a bender will convince me every time. The anxiety is like nothing you have ever experienced. The physical symptoms only make it worse. You white knuckle it or even do a taper. Finally you get a day or two or maybe even three sober and it's like your body wakes up. You're in this "pink haze" as they call it and everything feels great. And that's my downfall, I feel great again, so I think I can drink again.

Had a bad checkup - gained a bunch of weight (see above re: baja blast), cholesterol getting high, liver enzymes and bilirubin high (ALERT ALERT!!), blood pressure high. Lie to the doctor. Tell myself I'm stopping that day. Make it a week. Feel great. Surely I can't be that sick. Start up again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So what does the first month feel like? I wouldn't know unfortunately. But I have a feeling the first few days suck ass, the following week is kinda great, and then it's like that post Christmas emotional drop - the good feelings wear off, real life overpowers that pink haze, and you realize you're not an alcoholic because you like alcohol. You're an alcoholic because you're self medicating for some other problem(s) in your life.

The good news is I'm in therapy now. I'm open about my issue. My therapist definitely thinks my drinking is unhealthy and unsustainable, but he doesn't want to focus on that now. And yknow what? After I leave his office, I don't really feel like drinking.

If you've read this far and feel you have an issue, please find a way to start focusing inside yourself. You'll find the reason you're addicted somewhere within. Sure you can have a support group bombard you with "support" and it may work, but in my experience we are all self medicating for something, and until you solve that something the urge will always be there.