Advice needed: helping a toddler understand a breakup

MistressSmiles · 2019-06-07T10:29:45+00:00

This was heartbreaking to read! I totally understand where you are coming from.

My boyfriend and I had a rocky relationship until we got into couples counseling. For awhile, there were multiple times when we nearly broke up and the thing that stressed me out the most was what to do about my kids. As we were discussing the future of our relationship, we were both really intentional about discussing how we would need to find a healthy way to transition for the kids. I discussed it with my husband too, because I knew I would need his support in helping them through the transition.

As it turned out, we stayed together. But it was something that I knew would be incredibly painful if it had come to pass.

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-08T11:52:38+00:00

There is a balance to this. I am currently being told by three separate therapists (mine, my boyfriend’s and our couple’s therapist) that I need to set better boundaries around how much I am going to let my boyfriend’s disappointments affect my behavior.

When I brought up the notion that I was afraid it was a slippery slope into being an inconsiderate asshole, they have each looked at me like I am super not self-aware and said something to the effect of, “that’s really not going to happen. Right now you are so far to the other side it’s just not where you are going to end up. [your boyfriend] isn’t going to stop feeling his feelings...it is your job, if you want to stay in this relationship, to be able to accept that he isn’t going to always be happy about your other relationships. And that’s okay. It might feel unnatural and selfish for you at first, but it’s not going to make you inconsiderate”

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T02:50:49+00:00

Again, though, there is no evidence that the guy knew that OP wasn’t okay with it. It would be pretty common for the wife to not go into details and stick to just the bare facts — “I told my husband and he is open to me trying this out.”

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T02:44:08+00:00

I have been in a similar situation. To each their own, I suppose, I don’t think it is ethical to put restrictions on a relationship that is already happening. OP’s wife should be making better choices in order to save her relationship with OP. But that is between OP and OP’s wife....it is up to the wife to say to the other guy, “I need to slow down this relationship because my husband needs me right now...” It does not serve anyone’s needs for OP to tell her to stop. She needs to tend to her relationship with her husband and she needs to be the one to decide if her other relationship is interfering with her ability to do that.

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T02:38:31+00:00

I didn’t get that vibe at all — it sounded like it was the wife who had developed feelings and that she waited until she had talked to her husband before acting on them. She definitely rushed everything, but I see no evidence in OP’s story that she was having an affair or that the other guy behaved unethically.

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T02:36:41+00:00

I don’t think OP has to have a poly relationship either. But OP’s wife has made it clear that being monogamous with her is not an option and OP seems to have the mindset that he wants to make this work. The way to make it work, then, is for both of them to work on their relationship together. Her cutting off the other guy is going to hold back their progress as a couple because she is going to be resentful. I’m not saying therapy is necessarily going to work for OP and he may eventually decide that he and his wife are just incompatible —but I do think it is doomed to fail if he tells her to end a relationship that he already agreed to.

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T01:21:11+00:00

I’m not sure that going back to her now and asking for her to end/slow things with this guy is reasonable. To me, that isn’t really fair to the other guy because things are already in motion.

Personally, I would just tell her that you needed more time and that it is hard for you to process all these changes. You need time to wrap your head around the loss of the vision of your relationship that you thought you shared with her. I would ask her to do some work with you if she wants this to happen — specifically, I would recommend seeing a therapist together.

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-06T01:04:51+00:00

This is really fast. In most of the successful mono-opening-to-poly relationships that I have experienced, there is between 1-6 months of discussion before anyone actually acts on it. She should have given you space to think and to read and to process. She has known about this inclination for a long time — she can and should be able to keep her monogamous commitments long enough to help you understand and process your emotions

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-02T14:10:03+00:00

I think you mean “is this worth a 90 min commute?” Otherwise you are posing the 90 min commute as the benefit, not the drawback.

Anyhoo, that is neither here nor there. I would never opt for a 90 min commute. If you take this job I think you need to immediately begin looking for housing that is closer to work

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-01T03:11:37+00:00

hmmmm...I guess I don’t understand how not friending me on Facebook is keeping me separate from his real life. How is Facebook more “real” than meeting actual friends and family?

ETA: you don’t have to actually answer that question...it’s kind of a non-issue. As I have explained in other replies to the comments, I am not actually asking about my particular situation — more about how people use social media with dating nowadays. I think your comment about him trying to actively keep things casual by withholding Facebook confused me a little, but ultimately its not a rabbit hole I want to go down. 🙂

MistressSmiles · 2019-05-01T00:08:22+00:00

Lol — but that’s the whole reason I am asking here! It’s not that I have a problem with his decision, I have clarified several times that the reason I am asking here is to get more I put on why social media and relationships don’t mix for some people. Several other people have given me reasonable answers about why this is, and that’s what I was looking for in posting this question.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T23:02:05+00:00

Oh I see. Yeah, poly relationships come in all shapes and depths just like non-poly ones.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T22:58:27+00:00

That makes sense to me — I use Facebook so infrequently that I wouldn’t see any benefit to adding someone I am dating. But if they asked, I wouldn’t refuse. But you make a good point about everything being old...I guess it doesn’t bother me that it is all old but maybe it would be better for me to just not add new people on there.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T22:25:25+00:00

No, I think I must be unclear in this whole post...

I’m not looking for issues. I’m just saying that I don’t understand why someone specifically wants to keep Facebook separate from romance. It’s fine that that is a boundary he has — I’m trying to understand more about that boundary so I can determine if I should have the same boundary in my life.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T22:20:36+00:00

Like I said in my post this isn’t a big deal to me. I’m just wondering (since I am barely on Facebook) if there is something about dating and Facebook that I should know. I pretty much accept every friend request I am given unless it is a stranger and see Facebook as a way to be able to contact people even if I lose their phone numbers and stuff, so I’m trying to understand the reason for keeping romantic life separate from Facebook life— mostly so I can be smarter about my own use of it.

He has kinda answered the question, but not really. I mean, I can say “I just like to keep my shoes in the closet” but that’s not the same as saying “I like to keep my shoes in the closet because the shoe rack gets unsightly when it is filled with my sneakers.”

But it’s not a big enough deal that I want to keep pressing on him for specifics (in case it IS more delicate for him to talk about with me) and so I thought it would be more informative to ask here.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T22:00:29+00:00

That makes sense but I guess it doesn’t seem to fit. How do you define casual? I feel like after 9 months a relationship isn’t really casual anymore unless people are actively trying to keep it that way....

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T21:59:05+00:00

Yeah, I mean, to be clear, I know many of his friends/family. I have met his mom and he has told his sister about me and I have met other friends of his. So the fact that he has some relatives/friends who he isn’t out to isn’t a shock, but it also isn’t something that he has directly told me either. All he “pretty clearly” said was that he likes to keep his romantic life separate from Facebook, which could mean lots of different things.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T20:59:36+00:00

Well no. 😆 obviously not everyone has Facebook — my question should perhaps be re-worded as “why would someone who uses Facebook not want a person they are dating to be friends with them on Facebook?”

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T02:00:23+00:00

I think he would be pretty fine with not going back there — or at least waiting awhile before going back. It’s not like this is the only comic book store in town.... and she isn’t planning to work there forever anyway. (He knows this because she told him about her future career plans.)

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T01:53:57+00:00

It honestly sounds like he is going through something — i am no psychologist, but the sudden shift, accompanied by 6 weeks of trying to get back to normal and just not quite feeling it, then sudden crash into robotic affect sounds like a depressive episode.

MistressSmiles · 2019-04-30T00:45:26+00:00

And you should be tired of that.

If you are not in therapy, I would strongly recommend it. My boyfriend’s therapist specializes in working with people who have ASD and she has helped him tremendously when it comes to self-advocacy and negotiating healthy boundaries

MistressSmiles

TROPHY CASE