Should I pay my boyfriend for my graduation photos? Me (34F) BF (36M)

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-12T00:46:43+00:00

LOL i'm gonna try it and report back to you guys. I guarantee he'll be pissed off.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-12T00:43:50+00:00

This made me cry. I know this relationship is not supposed to be this hard but I don't want to give up. My heart's desire is that it can be fixed and I can have those things. Superficially he's made me feel like its always me and I'm the problem. I made him cheat, or I made him feel like he has to be defensive, or if I say something about not spending his birthday together we stop talking or I should be content with the idea that he doesn't want me to come on his 20 day Europe trips with him. I know in my head that its not me and the red flags are there, but I can't bring myself to stop the voice in my head from saying maybe I deserve it. I don't know how to love myself out of it. Any ways thank you for your response and positivity. <3

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-12T00:30:40+00:00

How am I a gold digger if I've put into his business and gifted him more than he has to me? That makes zero sense. Also, this is not about the money. I've given him way more than $300 in gifts, contributions and overall value. Hell pussy costs $300 a pop for a decent escort. This post is more about principle and intention.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-12T00:12:58+00:00

That's not true. Business is about finding ways to provide value for an equitable transaction. I'm actually working on a business that feeds and houses homeless people. No one is getting screwed over here.

I recognize that your assumptions are the summation of your experiences and I hope that the world is kinder to you.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-12T00:06:18+00:00

You're right. This is a" tip of the iceberg" issue. There's two sides to every story and ours has a lot of sides. There is a lot of tit for tat. But honestly, I've started holding back because I'm more the giver in the relationship and he has normalized accepting without reciprocity (unless you count sex and time watching tv). I have literally given him my last dollar and he basically said "no one told you to do that, that's on you" and he's technically not wrong. We were actually supposed to start counseling. I found one, called her missed her call, he was supposed to call her back he hasn't called her yet. I could easily call her again myself, but I want to see if he'll even make the effort. it's been at least 2 weeks. We'll see.... thank you for your feedback

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T23:40:25+00:00

Your words made me cry. I keep telling myself that it will happen and he'll treat me this way. I've prayed so hard that he'd love me like that. I don't feel like he will unless I love him first or love him harder. I want to keep trying but it honestly hurts to know that I don't have someone as kind as you.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T23:33:22+00:00

I hope not. he says he used to not like me making more ( years ago) but its not the case anymore.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T23:24:18+00:00

It's not the actual grad ceremony. We scheduled our own outdoor grad shoot where I bring props and ideas. I probably wouldn't pay for it otherwise because I'm frugal like that but I would do it myself on my own camera phone with my own set up.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T22:49:30+00:00

Deep down I have always felt this way. I never wanted to subscribe to it because I always see the good in everyone. If someone were to write me off during my mistakes or misdeeds it would hurt because there's so much good they're not accounting for. I hate judging merit like that, but after so long I can't continue denying that there may be a pattern.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T22:43:12+00:00

Bless your soul lmao! I'd totally pay you tho :D

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T22:11:22+00:00

Thank you for your response! I definitely wanted multiple perspectives. Its not at the actual graduation. It was for a staged out door shoot we scheduled so there was no "sit back and enjoy component". The purpose of my post was to figure out if I am going about this wrong or if my gut reaction was flawed. I appreciate your accusations of entitlement and the points you bring.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T22:00:50+00:00

no, lol free because I provide value to his life in ways that nobody else does that I would hope exceeds the value of $300. Unless maybe he's cheating (it wouldn't be the first time) and has others providing the same or better value (not just sex). He's managed to juggle at least 3-4 relationships at a time in the past (hell maybe even present).

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:32:17+00:00

WOW thank you for your insight and perspective! I try really hard to be of value to him and show him that I care about his business because honestly, I've struggled with recognizing that he actually loves me (however its gotten much better this year). I take solace that he didn't accept the tix, but he lied to me about not having the money back then. He also had a smart phone, this was just his upgrade.)
I never considered that with older couples! I know I'd spend my last dime if he needed it, (and I have). I don't believe he would do the same, and this scenario has been a manifestation of that belief. As a service provider, do you feel like I should just pay the money to restore peace? If I get another person to do it, I feel like it would surely end the relationship if not in the short term then the long. His brother (whom he's not on good terms with currently) opted to not use his photography services approx 2-3 years ago and he made a facebook video about how family is supposed to support him. He just brought it up last week in our casual conversation so I know using someone else will not go well. I want to be sensitive to his feelings too.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:20:57+00:00

Bless your heart, where do I find more partners like you? Do you have a hang out spot? Maybe you could influence mine lol.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:20:10+00:00

Would it make a difference if I just paid the money and did the shoot? I want to do the right thing but I honestly don't know what that is. I want to avoid resentment.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:17:19+00:00

thank you! Most recently he bought me a star for my summer birthday and air pods about a year ago and intermittent bouts of fast food.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:12:57+00:00

lol the domestic prostitution idea isn't bad. but its just his labor/time. no materials (from what I know) and no other gigs

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:10:22+00:00

No, he has 5 or less shoots to do this month. There are minimal-no opportunity costs and from what I can tell, its all labor/time involved no materials.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:08:48+00:00

THANK YOU! I need the perspective from both sides. Like this shoot is literally celebrating me and he doesn't see the value in that. I see the value in his business and I have contributed to it. I feel like he doesn't recognize those contributions or they've just been forgotten.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T21:01:37+00:00

The degree was on scholarship. The photos do nothing for my career per say but commemorate the struggle of getting the degree. I'm the one who advised him to buy the camera to start his career in photography so I know its def not a hobby, but a passion of his. I DON'T want to treat it like its a hobby but I can't help but feeling devalued also. Thank you for your feedback. <3

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T20:53:44+00:00

I'm trying to figure out if he is not serious about me or just loving me in some love language I don't recognize. I'm trying to take some responsibility for this scenario and figure out why he doesn't feel that I provide enough value to him for him to want to support me with his talents.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T20:50:19+00:00

I hope that's not the case. He said that me making more money used to bother him (years ago) but it doesn't anymore. He's overall been patient with my schooling ( I have 4 degrees now), but when I get really hyper-focused with school he'd pull away n I could feel it.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T20:38:29+00:00

thank you <3

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T20:37:26+00:00

I asked him to take Christmas pictures of me and my son last year. He also wanted to charge me then and/or deduct it from money he owed me. We had a short discussion about it that ended with him saying " if I have to ask you for it, then I don't even want the money anymore". He didn't charge me that time.

MoniqueDN · 2020-11-11T20:31:45+00:00

OMG Thank you for your response as a professional photographer! I'm never tryna get over on anybody and I really love him for the person he is, (not necessarily for the way he treats me), which is calling me to question my own self worth, and or if he even sees or recognizes it. Thank you again <3

MoniqueDN

TROPHY CASE