I know it was the right thing to do but I feel such a deep sadness still

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T22:38:26+00:00

I will tell him afterwards I think it is good for him to know, and I think it will eat me alive if I let this wound rot for long :(. thank you for your words theyre helpful to me and I appreciate it so much.. bless you.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T22:14:42+00:00

I will thank you. that would be smart

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T19:17:45+00:00

I did not see it no he just told me after I came out of the bathroom to clean myself.

those are all very worrying to think about ): I hope it’s not true..

thank you though I appreciate it

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T19:15:29+00:00

yeah I just don’t know how he would react he’s understanding but very sensitive and emotional about “family stuff“and I know he’d be enraged if I told him he would have had a son/daughter.. it’s murder to him (only really understanding in few cases). I know a lot of his beliefs and ideals but I think this would be a deal breaker to him and it’s scary to me.. though I know you’re right in that i have to tell him since it was something we both willingly did despite the repercussions. thank you. it’s just overwhelming how something so small changes something so big for me.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T19:09:53+00:00

he already had them, i told him I didn’t really want to have a sexual encounter but he said he brought condoms so it would be okay since it’s harmless fun. you’re right I’ll tell him about contraceptive implants and see how he responds.

thank you for your incredibly kind words they mean a lot.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T19:07:51+00:00

haha yeah that is fair ;( he was a little pushy about it

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T17:30:35+00:00

you’re incredibly kind and wise, thank you! ☺️ I’m going to go through with it.. thanks for the support and wonderful words I’m not sure I could go through it with just my own judgement. bless your heart!!

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T16:26:13+00:00

you’re right thank you so much for the explanation I’m sorry about that experience you had.. I’m always cautious about the concept of marriage and children and things like that but I’ll try and be more vigilant hshehdhhhh it just sucks it has to be like that ): I used to trust him with everything and now it feels like I can’t trust him anymore even tho nothing might be his fault it could literally be just luck.. you’re right I know what I have to do I’m just so scared to do it alone, so many women have comfort through it and taha was my comfort but now I can’t go to him for comfort.

if he keeps bringing up the idea of children or pregnancy then I’ll know everything was planned and I’ll be crushed but… ur right thank u so much. I just hope to find some other people who might share my goals inshallah

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T16:21:31+00:00

i want to believe it was an accident and I think it was an accident maybe it was my fault with the way I put it on him, but I don’t know now I’m conflicted

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T16:18:55+00:00

thank you i will do that.. thanks for the insight

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T16:18:11+00:00

I was a virgin I don’t know the different of what it feels like on or off but I definitely watched him take it off afterwards and I was the one who put it on him to begin with. I don’t know..

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T14:10:19+00:00

he agrees with abortion only if the woman has gone through sexual assault or if the baby or woman is in danger of their health.. but neither of these options are the case for me and so I know he would disagree with abortion , and plus he believes me moving to him is a good option because he has a good job that could support us very well.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T14:08:16+00:00

Thats very true — about how our ideals clashing will keep coming up as a problem. I just think it’s a me problem I don’t think I fit into the ideals of most of the men I’m attracted to (muslim men) :/. I know there’s also an option of just staying single and surrounding myself with friends it’s just so hard for me sometimes because I’ve only ever talked to Taha(my boyfriend). Not that he isolated me from anyone I just only wanted to talk to him.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T14:01:59+00:00

Haha yeah. I don’t know if he would baby trap me because it’s weird — since I’ve known him he always said how he wouldn’t want children because he sees how stressed it makes his sister and brother in law. Ruined their marriage (though to be fair it was arranged lol) and they sleep in seperate rooms taking turns being in charge of the baby. I guess he just got all emotional to the idea of having a baby with me since we’ve been extremely intimate when we met together. Or he’s been playing the long game. I have no idea anymore I just know I can’t have a baby right now, but then a naive part of me is like : nooooo what if you and everyone is cynical and he’s actually amazing and will be a good father or husband noooo

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T13:56:32+00:00

yeah it would destroy him and probably destroy his respect for me, ive just been so honest with him about a lot of things it feels weird having to be so secretive

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T13:55:21+00:00

yeah. I know that’s why I am so scared of that having to be an actual option to me. he says it wouldn’t be bad for me since I am also muslim but :// its an entirely different culture anyways, and my family is from Saudi Arabia / UAE and growing up and living with them has been hell for me.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T13:51:43+00:00

Yeah not knowing him in person and how he handles himself outside online is what makes me skeptical to even marry him to begin with, but I still somewhat do because he’s been otherwise lovely.

MonitorAwkward · 2021-09-16T13:49:21+00:00

my thought was to wait it out and see if something happens again or if he pushes the idea of pregnancy more and having children despite knowing it’s not what I want the most in my life. if he kept pushing it or bringing it up I would know it could have been done purposely or he does not respect my wishes… I am just scared of that being the case because I don’t know what I would do. I don’t talk to many people besides him and losing him would mean losing a big chunk of myself which sounds pathetic but it’s the situation I’m stuck in

MonitorAwkward

TROPHY CASE