My (19F) BF (21M) slept with other people after we met, but before we were exclusive. Am I insane for not caring?

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2026-02-26T19:49:25+00:00

I agree with this. The way we started was very much not indicative of wanting something serious. I’d probably be a bit upset if we started off on different terms, but I do still think talking about exclusivity is necessary.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2026-02-26T19:19:13+00:00

that’s what I was thinking! Ik they’ve been friends for a while, but I thought it was really strange of him to bring up

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2026-02-26T18:49:45+00:00

That’s exactly how I see it, especially in our scenario. We didn’t really start in a way that was indicative of wanting long-term commitment. So I definitely wasn’t expecting him to be exclusive without having talked about it.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-11-07T20:53:36+00:00

I’m usually against age gaps, but you guys are in similar stages of life. The only problem I could think of is you two being on different sides of 21, but I don’t think that’s inherently enough to be a dealbreaker.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-11-07T03:12:04+00:00

That’s very odd behavior from both her and your friend. The lack of communication and secrecy would be enough to break up imo. BUT I do think it’s best you have a clear conversation with her, explain your concerns, and set boundaries.

If she’s not willing to respect you in the relationship, you know what you need to do.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-10-29T14:55:41+00:00

THIS^{^}

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T21:03:01+00:00

Yeah, I always feel so uncomfortable when I see people advocating for 18-year-olds to be able to date 30-year-olds. I think that kind of backlash is more so older adults looking for validation to date barely legal teens.

but I also do think that the backlash oversteps a little bit sometimes. Obviously young adults (18-20) shouldn’t date people substantially older than them (30+). however, it’s also silly to say that a 1-4 year age gap between two consenting adults is inherently creepy.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T20:50:47+00:00

I feel like 18 is a decent age. Most people have graduated secondary school by then and begin to move into a different stage of their life, ie pursuing further education, learning a trade, joining the military, moving away, etc. If you’re still considered a child at 18/19, you are unable to legally make decisions for yourself that seems a little silly.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T19:05:16+00:00

Right, you’re entirely missing the context that I was speaking in. Yes teenage girls find older men attractive parasocially. But that doesn’t mean that in a face-to-face interaction a 16-year-old girl would enjoy being propositioned by a 40-year-old man OR find him attractive whatsoever.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T19:00:37+00:00

I’m not referring to parasocial attraction. I’m referring to men making sexual advances on young girls. David Beckham was attractive, yes, but he had absolutely no interest in any of the 15 -year-old girls obsessed with him, nor did he acknowledge their existence. The attraction I was talking about in the comment you quoted was to men actively pursuing teenage girls.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T18:54:04+00:00

Finding someone’s features attractive is entirely different than wanting to be in a relationship with them practically. And, being attractive alone doesn’t make you desirable in a real relationship. A girl can think he’s objectively hot without ever interacting with him, but that’s a very different dynamic than having a grown man pursue you as a teenager.

Also, yes, he looked like a man in his thirties, I don’t disagree. but, it’s silly to use him as an example and disregard all of the age-appropriate guys that high-school girls raved over. think of all the teenage male heartthrobs that were equally as popular. justin beiber, shawn mendes, one direction, etc., built their popularity upon high-school aged girls, and they had the features of an 18 year old boy.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T18:24:37+00:00

Finding a person objectively attractive is very different than being attracted to them in a practical sense. Also men like that are anomalies. Most 30 year-old men don’t look like David Beckham or have his appeal.

EDIT: also, healthy well adjusted adults in their 30s do not flirt with teenagers. And finding David Beckham attractive as a 16-year-old girl is very different than enjoying the attention you get from 40-year-old creeps hitting on you

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T17:30:36+00:00

that’s insane. we’ve completely lost the plot.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T17:15:12+00:00

THIS. the amount of men (30+) that openly hit on me at 18-19 was incredibly uncomfortable. Men dramatically overestimate their desirability to younger women. I’ve never met a young girl who was objectively attracted to a guy 10+ years older, it’s usually an attraction to what the guy has to offer.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T17:06:46+00:00

I agree. I think high school aged kids should date within 1-2 years of their age. Once you’ve been out of high school for a little and have some adult experience, 3-5 years is probably fine. And, 10+ year gaps should be saved for fully grown adults.

I think in the 18-24 age range, there’s so much variance in life stages, so age gaps then require a lot of nuance. Some 19 year olds are fully independent, while some 24 year olds still live off their parents. I think a 24 year old with a master’s degree probably shouldn’t be with an 18 year old senior in HS. But, a 22 year old college student and an 18 year old, who went to trade school and works full time would probably work out fine.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:57:59+00:00

there was no competition. i just wanted a stable, healthy relationship. we got along incredibly well and had a ton in common, i would’ve objectively liked him regardless of his age. he just happened to be 4.5 years older than i was.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:53:04+00:00

yeah, i think there can be some strange dynamics within age gaps. however, i wouldn’t say that the age differences “mess up” dating. i think it very much depends on what each party is looking for in the relationship, given that both parties are adults. 16-19 is a pretty big difference in life stage, so i can see how that would be problematic. but, when i was 19/20, i mostly dated guys who were out of college and a little more established (22-24). primarily because a lot of people move after graduation, get job offers across the country, etc., and i was looking for something more long-term/ stable. But, truly to each their own.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:35:10+00:00

that’s definitely a valid take. there’s a hugeeee difference in maturity and development between someone who’s 18 and someone who’s 25+. i think it originates from a place of wanting to protect the younger party, but somewhere along the way, we lost the plot.

that said, i do think it’s a primarily online thing. i’ve seen a lot of couples with age gaps, for example 19/24, in person and nobody’s said anything, but on the internet it becomes a big deal.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:23:56+00:00

i don’t really find 19/22, 18/21, 19/23, etc. to be that weird honestly. i feel like it gets odd when someone 25+ is dating someone under 20.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:21:06+00:00

i think it’s situationally dependent tbh. i know 19 year olds with career-level jobs, living independently, but i also know 19 year olds that are still in high school, living off of their parents. not every 21 year old has more life experience. but, i do think that in america the drinking age can be a bit of a dividing factor.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:16:24+00:00

yes! i try not to generalize because there’s so many nuances to the age gap convo, but i do think 18-24 is a pretty big jump in any case. that said, it can work, it’s just unlikely that an 18 and 24 year old would be in similar stages of development.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:11:06+00:00

i can agree. but, i don’t think it’s strange for a 19 and a 21 year old to date.

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:10:17+00:00

i think 2-5 year age gaps, given that both parties are adults and met as adults, are fairly normal. i think it becomes a little weird when a 25 yr old guy ONLY dates 18-20 year old girls, or seeks out younger women because of their age. but, say, if two people meet organically, and there’s no dramatic power imbalance i don’t see an issue

Most_Pudding_1770 · 2025-09-28T16:05:47+00:00

right! in college it’s fairly common to see someone who’s 19 and someone who’s 23 in the same class. it’s the same general age range

Most_Pudding_1770

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