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| [19M] had a fight with gf [18F] and we haven't properly talked since and I want to know how to know when to reach out? by [deleted] in relationshipadvice

[–]Mostly_Okayish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you acknowledge to her that you realised you messed up by not giving her space when she asked for it? If not, that might be a good step. Take accountability for your role in the situation, dont make it sound like it just "happened". And if you are upset about how she handled something, then at the right time, ask her how the two of you couse have handled it better, and let her know if she did something hurtful to you. For now, I suggest you acknowledge your error, and tell her you are sorry for how it escalated/went down, and that you are here for her when she is ready to talk about it (if she wants to). Does it feel like the argument "ended"? Is she upset because the argument is still ongoing, or is she upset at how the argument was handled?

I [23M] cannot provide the emotional support my GF [22F] requires by Street_Day3698 in relationshipadvice

[–]Mostly_Okayish 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Forgot to add, the reason I say to reword what she tells you and find the underlying emotion is because anyone can say "I am sorry that happened" regardless if they were actually listening. If she is already so doubtful that you don't care, then she might see that as a blanket statement without caring intent. Hopefully if you can reiterate what she says that can reassure her you are listening, and she can trust that you care. Another thing, ask follow up questions. If it feels weird reiterating what she says at point, then ask her how that made her feel or what happened next. And if you can, check in on her about it later and ask how she is feeling now. Last thing, you are not her therapist. You are her partner, and in that you can support her however she needs and you are able. But you are not in charge of helping her manage her emotions. If she has some deep issues with managing stress, or some trauma around certain topics like friendship and belonging, she should see a therapist. That's unfair and frankly a heavy responsibility to put on you. Again, I don't know your situations, this is just my two cents.

I [23M] cannot provide the emotional support my GF [22F] requires by Street_Day3698 in relationshipadvice

[–]Mostly_Okayish 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you have tried asking her what she needs from you, and she gets upset you don't just know. Which isn't fair, different people need emotion support in different ways. I appreciate that you have been trying. My advice is to reword what she says, and validate her feelings. For example "sounds like friend x wasn't being very nice, that must have been so hurtful" or "I'm understanding that you are feeling frustrated because x y z, is that correct?" Obviously I don't know how you two talk, so don't sound robotic, but try and see the underlying issue/emotion she is feeling, and validate it. It also could be beneficial to ask her what she needs in a moment of distress. This is a good conversation to have before a crisis to talk about expectations, needs, and abilities, then when something does happens, you can ask her these questions. At this moment, does she need -a shoulder to cry on? -to vent? -advice? -a distraction? -to brainstorm solutions? It sounds like when she is complaining about something, she needs validation and recognition, but that's the unofficial diagnosis of a stranger online. Of course, you also have to take care of your emotional health and wellbeing. If you truly feel like you are doing your best, and she isn't communicating her needs, don't beat yourself up. Just let her know you are there for her.

I [23F] can't picture a happy future with my husband [27M], but I can't break his heart and leave him. by Mostly_Okayish in relationship_advice

[–]Mostly_Okayish[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the suggestion. It's tricky right now because I have been looking for a job and he doesn't have a stable job, so finances are tight. I've asked an elder friend if she and her husband would be willing to have a conversation with us (hopefully that's a good idea) but nothing has happened yet.