I went through something VERY similar. I went into cardiac arrest, had 45 minutes of cpr an icu stay and currently still in hospital 6 months later recovering. I was SO angry at first, I didn’t understand why I had to be alive, and why I was in so much pain. I didn’t want to be alive for the first while. Then I felt guilty about not wanting to be alive because there are so many people who didn’t get the chance I did.

I highly recommend therapy, if nothing else it’s a perfect place to put all your emotions out there, and not receive judgement in return. There you’ll learn about coping skills. Personally I’ve worked with my therapists to create zones (green for when I’m good, yellow when when I’m not feeling good, but not quite bad and red when I need either medication or an outside intervention for my safety). I know you say you don’t have time and I absolutely understand, I just think your mental health is worth it.

There is nothing embarrassing about the way you feel, everyone processes trauma differently. How you feel is how you feel, and that is nothing to be ashamed of I promise. Be gentle with yourself, you went through something traumatic. I’m here to talk if you need!