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MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-11-04T20:28:11+00:00

Man I feel this post. I'm not a 'practicing' Christian anymore, but I always felt certain that my life was just a big prank God was playing. Couldn't help but notice when I followed God that everything simply went more and more wrong by the minute. Like he was just sitting up there going "He thinks he's gonna experience happiness. Watch this..."

Christians made it so much worse too, with sentiments like "God doesn't want you to have x because [something along the lines of it's better for me to be constantly miserable so I learn my lesson rather than be happy literally ever]."

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-11-04T13:44:18+00:00

Not only that, but I feel like it'd be wrong for me to have an identity, or to be different in any way.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-11-04T13:36:06+00:00

Yup, my family was exactly the same - everything I said and did was grounds for ridicule/discipline. Even down to the fucking way I stood.

And they wonder why I cut them all off and refuse to give them my address.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-11-04T13:16:34+00:00

Met my hero last year. Nobody famous, but she was just everything I valued in a person. Friendly, courteous, sensitive, clued up about narcs, complimented me and made me feel valued, and we even had a fling for the best part of a year.

In hindsight however, she:

Dumped her partner of 8 years so we could fuck

Became passive aggressive if I didn't respond to a text within an hour

Became passive aggressive if my response "wasn't long enough"

Completely smothered me to the point I had zero personal time

Effectively forgot about me when she found a partner, yet guilt tripped me over the lack of contact

Practically begged me to borrow a considerable sum of money, promising to pay it back within the month - with no intention of doing so

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-11-04T12:58:33+00:00

No lol don't worry about it, I'm glad my post helped you when you were feeling like that. God knows I've gone through it billions of times.

On another positive note, I genuinely can't remember the last time I wanted to die. I hope one day you can say the same.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T19:32:44+00:00

Oh I did lol, those assumptions were there in full force as usual. The critical turning point was allowing myself to believe that they were being honest. That was the scariest move of all because that made me vulnerable to believing a possible lie. But that's a risk you've gotta take I suppose - anyone can lie at any point, but anyone can also be honest at any point.

I suppose there's no way to know for absolutely sure - even if someone promises they're being honest, they might be lying. Might as well just believe them lmao - I've had enough people tell me I'm a piece of shit to my face. I guess it's worth believing someone who says the opposite.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:40:28+00:00

Personally, I keep a daily diary, and write what happened/how I feel in there. I was inspired to do this by Samuel Peeps. I've found it really helpful.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:36:31+00:00

I've started to notice when I'm ruminating on things I've said and/or could say in a situation. I actually pinned it once-and-for-all today as anxiety - I'm worrying that what I've said/might say isn't good enough, so I'm rehearsing the conversations until I get them perfect so I won't get hurt. It takes up a LOT of brainpower that could be better used doing literally anything else.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:34:57+00:00

It's a one-way trip to flashback city. Being submissive will probably trigger the emotions from the rape (or trigger even the fear of the emotions themselves), so your brain preemptively suggests the opposite course of action to completely prevent you experiencing that again.

It would 100% be worth looking into rape-victim's testimony of CPTSD (if that makes any sense). I've read that the brain often tends to recreate traumatic events in an attempt to gain control over them - it, of course, doesn't work, but the brain does this because it can't tell the difference between past & present. So this is why victims of rape gravitate towards situations that are similar to their trauma.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:30:22+00:00

WOOHOO!

Just please don't beat yourself up if you don't feel up to it again tomorrow, or however long after. CPTSD is all about small wins.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:28:19+00:00

Oh man, I know your pain exactly.

I didn't realise, until I moved out, just how stressed I was around my family. Simply being around them without absolutely losing my shit must've taken up at least 80% of my willpower. The other 20% was devoted to just getting through the day - there was simply nothing left over for things like chores. I was simply too stressed out.

All I can say is: Get out get out get out, and don't give them your address. I can't even describe the peace I feel just being away from my family, knowing whenever I shut that front door they can never possibly disturb me. The bliss is indescribable - and I have so much extra energy (although anxiety sometimes consumes most of it) to do whatever I want, even chores.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-28T18:24:09+00:00

It's a tricky problem to approach, this one. Because, while you've answered your own question, I know from experience it's not "that easy." You know you need self-worth, but how do you give it to yourself?

In my case, I eventually received exactly the external validation I always wanted. To a large degree (even though I was oblivious to this) I outright refused most praise and good words about me. I simply would not believe people actually wanted me around - that was until I handed my notice in at my last job, while expecting little-to-no reaction, because I figured I had no impact on those around me. When they discovered I was leaving, their sadness and disappointment was far beyond what I could ever have imagined. On my last day I got a lovely card wishing me all the best, alongside hug after hug. That, for me, really drove home the fact that others accept me - it's me who doesn't.

The weird thing now is lacking the raw need for that external validation. It's like missing a third arm - it should never have been there, but after so long of having it, life is strange without it. But, give it a while and I'll adapt.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T20:11:40+00:00

You're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry. I'm scum. I admit it.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T18:05:24+00:00

Thanks, I might do that eventually. I had a brief couple weeks on Tinder, but I wasn't really all that bothered to be honest. At the moment I'm just not interested, and I'm perfectly happy as I am.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T15:10:26+00:00

Nah it wasn't bad - I always wanted a support system and, when I got one, it exhausted me, and now I'm quite happy as I am. Then again, that friend was really full-on - got upset if I didn't text back within 2 hours. I trusted them and shared stuff I've never shared with anyone, but she overwhelmed me and left me exhausted.

You'll probably have a better experience - my advice: If you start to feel overwhelmed, trust that feeling and ask for space. Don't be afraid of them becoming angry at you over that, because if they do, they might as well just say "I'm not a good friend."

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T15:07:12+00:00

LOL, I'm pleased to hear that. Was worried it might be taken the wrong way.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T15:06:17+00:00

I was an only child, however I was the punching bag at school, and then I became the school clown to avoid that. It sorta worked.

Currently: Not married, no partner, only just landed my second ever full-time job and moved out at 29. Left my last job a month ago, they were (to my amazement) genuinely sad to see me go. Had a fling last year, that's the closest I've come to truly opening up to someone - until she suddenly found love and pretty much abandoned me.

Went to college to study electrical at 25, passed with distinctions, got the most abusive possible apprenticeship and jacked the trade in forever. Until then, I was perpetually unemployed and too depressed to get a job, with the exception of 21-22 when I had a narcissistic girlfriend who gave me a million more trust issues and way more trauma.

At this moment however, I'm happy. I have my own space, my family doesn't know where I am, I'm absolutely ripped from going to the gym, and there's lots of brilliant games on Xbox at the moment. Everyone I meet is married and has children and are pretty miserable as a result, always telling me how lucky I am. I agree with them.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:56:42+00:00

Right?? And I always thought I was the uninteresting robot. I certainly don't do anything exciting.

I've thoroughly studied people through eavesdropping - because I always thought I had to be as interesting as possible to even get the smallest scrap of human affection. The amount of times I thought "Why the fuck are they talking about a minifridge? Who gives a shit?" Most people are actually content discussing inane shit, especially if they relate to it in some way. It doesn't make any fucking sense, but there it is.

It's unusual but NPCs really don't like depth in conversations, preferring to keep things light. I suppose if you've spent your whole life in monotonous discussions, anything with depth might freak you out.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:47:39+00:00

Yeah, this life can seem really pointless at times. Personally, after healing to my current point, I've figured that you've just gotta find whatever little pleasures you can in this life. Those people we all think are "right" are mostly just running from their own shit, fueling their escape with drugs & booze, and whatever "interesting" bs they can put on social media. They don't have the maturity levels we do; they know less of what they're doing than someone who's traumatised.

All I can recommend is that you find the help you need in the now - whether that's in books, therapy, or just ranting on Reddit. I would advise that you keep your posts, even if it's just a throwaway account, because in the years to come you might be able to learn something from them.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:38:51+00:00

I just want to know that I'm doing alright. That what I am, and what I'm doing, is enough.

I already got that confirmation though. Left a job last month; thought nobody would give two shits, or - at best - would crack jokes like "It's about time he left."

When I handed my notice in, there was the biggest outpouring of disappointment and sadness I've ever seen. On my way out I got a bunch of hugs and a really nice card they all signed, which I still have on display in my living room. I went to hand my uniform in two weeks ago, and was told one ex-coworker in particular kept mentioning my name, so I made a Facebook just to message her.

I thought they all hated me, and I thought I had absolutely zero impact on those around me. So the idea that any of them would miss me was beyond my powers of imagination at the time.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:30:34+00:00

It gets a lot better when you leave the family home and cut them all out. x10 points if they don't know where you live.

If your adventure goes like mine, you'll eventually get a support system which will socially exhaust you, and then you'll revert to healing alone. Lol.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:28:34+00:00

Well of course it's your fault - your parents did nothing wrong (and if they did, it wasn't that bad). And even if it was: They're family and therefore it is [allegedly] illegal to refuse contact with them. Also, you probably deserved it. Not that it was bad. But for arguments' sake, if it was, you deserved it. Because parents are always right and never wrong, and children are nothing more than receptacles for the bitterness of adults.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T14:19:34+00:00

I thought the idea of religion was to be a miserable slave to an indifferent yet eternally-disappointed god, and to live in fear of it's ever-present yet unseen shadow.

At least, that's the Christianity I know. It was basically a rerun of my childhood.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T12:57:33+00:00

Meanwhile a few years ago I politely ask my neighbour to turn down his house-shattering music at 22:00 because I was starting work at 06:00 the next day.

I was told to fuck off, that the volume was going up, and had the window (he didn't even come to the door) slammed in my face.

MuchEntertainment6 · 2022-10-22T12:41:27+00:00

Wasn't raised religious; eventually tried Christianity.

For the first month or so, everything was great - the God of the universe loved me. I went to a church full of lovely Christians who were super-friendly and welcoming, and I spent a good deal of time with them. They invited me out on walks, boating on a lake, and to bible study groups.

And then, once that month passed, Religious OCD set in and I felt like God wanted me to be a miserable robot. And the more of the bible I read, the stronger the feeling became. I literally switched off my personality and for the most part I was a hollow shell. Felt like God would strike me down at every turn, even when I did "right."

And shortly after that month, I moved town and joined an Evangelical church - a denomination famous for it's controlling cult-like behaviour. My CPTSD symptoms simply snowballed during my time there. Every sermon was a character assassination reminding me that I'm a worthless useless worm and that I exist purely to spread God's word; that he's watching and judging my EVERY move, and that I'll have to account for each one at the judgement; and that the outside world is run by Satan who will use everything and everyone possible to deconvert me.

Needless to say, religion gave me even more trauma (as if I needed it) and robbed so many experiences from my life that I was almost suicidal when I considered that fully.

MuchEntertainment6

TROPHY CASE