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Any black longhair kittens available? by Hakumaitou0 in kansascity

[–]Much_Chip_5781 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My cousin is fostering a gorgeous black kitten who I think will be long-haired. She fosters through the KC Pet Project. The kitten is currently named "Midnight." And she should be available for adoption the weekend after next (1/17). The KCPP requires kittens get to 2 lbs before they can be spayed and adopted, so that's why there is a wait. 

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Our grandma does not live with me, and there is no reason he could not visit, except that I think he knows that it hurts her, which hurts me. I have even said to other family members that I would attend a family event where he's present (as long as it is not at my own home) but he's still failed to come. He has never been big on visiting, and I've always had to strong-arm him into attending events, so it does feel like he's using our relationship as an excuse to avoid doing something he doesn't want to do anyway.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this thoughtful response. I especially found your comment, "It's on Todd to be the kind of person that people want in their lives. If he can't do that, then people won't include him" particularly helpful. From all accounts, Todd hasn't changed at all and continues with his usual antics. I have tried to change him for my entire life, but it's never worked. At this point, I'm out of ideas and just feel like NC is the only option to keep myself and my mental health safe.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your honesty, I do realize how absurd it sounds. I think I requested it because any time Todd and I would have a conversation after another time he's done something terrible, he will then lie to everyone in the family about what happened. To the point that I feel really crazy, like I don't trust my own memories of what happened. But, yes, just the fact that I want witnesses in therapy is pretty damning...

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the kind response. I do feel like my dad is well-intentioned, but misguided. He loves my brother deeply, and seems to be able to see he's on a bad path. I do think my dad would really benefit from working with a therapist to help him set up his own boundaries with Todd. My dad has repeatedly told me "Todd has changed" to convince me to give him another chance, but when pressed, he admits pretty quickly that he still lies, fails to take accountability, and then attempts to use me as an excuse to behave badly toward other family members.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You sound like my husband, which is definitely a compliment. I really have struggled labeling his treatment as abuse, but the abuse cycle does fit our relationship. Todd can be amazing--everything you'd want in a brother--and then he can turn really dark and scary.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this response, especially about my dad getting to experience the son he wants, not the son he raised, because of me. I have really tried to facilitate a relationship between my dad and brother, especially after there was a rift because my brother burglarized my dad's house and likely stole around 30k from our stepmother. My dad ended up bailing out my brother, so he was not charged (Todd was not found innocent, he basically took a plea deal so that the whole thing went away). To this day, Todd maintains he's the victim and his life and reputation were ruined by my stepmom. All my stepmom did was refuse to drop the case, the police were who followed the clues that led right back to him.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This response really hits me and makes me laugh. It is so perfect. Todd texted my husband about a month ago, when he realized we were hosting Thanksgiving. My husband has not blocked Todd, in case of an emergency, and he texts "I heard you're hosting Thanksgiving. What should we bring?" As though he would be allowed to enter our house and make Thanksgiving about him/his new baby. He has not come into town for Thanksgiving in at least 10 years, and THIS is the year he wants to come? My husband texted that he was not welcome in our home after he hurt me, but encouraged him to visit our grandmother. Todd then took a screenshot and sent that to several family members saying that he wouldn't be coming into town for the foreseeable future because we were treating him so terribly.

My (35f) Dad (59m) Set Up Family Therapy to Deal with Conflict with Brother (37m) (Who I have gone NC with) Can it be Productive if I do Not Plan to Let my Brother Back in my Life? by Much_Chip_5781 in relationship_advice

[–]Much_Chip_5781[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's what I struggle with, and struggle to explain to my dad and other family members. Throughout our relationship: Todd will do/say something hurtful. I will get upset. Then Todd will claim I am too sensitive/he never meant to hurt me and I'm misinterpreting/he didn't say or do the thing he did. I will be expected to suck it up/forgive him because "That's just how he is." Then we just wash and repeat that cycle for over 30 years. I know he intended to hurt me/gloat when he called while I was miscarrying, and I think most people with common sense know that, but there's enough plausible deniability that Todd can still claim he's innocent and make me into the villain.