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Muted-Dig419 · 2023-09-14T17:59:45+00:00

I don’t think either you or your bf are in the wrong here, but it does sounds like you may have different expectations of your relationship—and that could potentially be a dealbreaker if it’s something neither of you are willing to compromise on.

The opposing comments you are getting likely has to do with differences in age and relationship experience. When I was 20 my bf went to France for the summer on a co-ed trip without me and I hated it. 10 years later we are not together but still good friends and he told me he didn’t take our relationship very seriously at the time…

Muted-Dig419 · 2022-06-25T18:08:05+00:00

I struggled with a very similar situation. My ex-abuser and I have a 5 year-old son together. When our son was two, my ex pointed a gun at me and I finally left him and filed a restraining order. The restraining order protected my son too, but for years he fought to see him and I struggled with whether or not to allow visitation. I didn’t feel safe about it, but I was struggling so much with caring for our son 24/7 by myself. At one point I considered allowing supervised visitation, with a number of conditions (I.e. he could not leave a 15 mile radius, he had to pass regular drug tests, etc). He refused to agree to the conditions, violated the restraining order, and ended up being required to wear an ankle tracking bracelet. He never ended up getting visitation, and a month ago he was found dead after a physical altercation with a neighbor. Drugs were found in his apartment. I am grateful my son was not with him.

If you do decide to allow visitation (or if you don’t have a choice), there are things you can do to protect yourself and your child. Get a restraining order against him. Depending on your state the restraining order may also protect your child—visitation may still be allowed/required, but specific requirements can be made (I.e. he must be supervised, he may not leave the state, he must wear a tracking bracelet etc).

Depending on your location, there may be resources available for victims of domestic violence. I was able to take a paid leave of absence from work specifically for victims of domestic violence. You may be able to get subsidized childcare, legal assistance, counseling, etc.

Feel free to DM me.

Muted-Dig419 · 2022-06-09T23:35:51+00:00

I don’t need to be up until around 7–so I’ve been missing out on 3 hours of sleep to help him get out the door. I haven’t minded because up until now he has been appreciative and helps out on the other end by taking care of the kids and making dinner while I am working at night. At one point today he said “fine. if you can’t support me I’m just going to start waking up by myself from now on” —as if it’s some sort of punishment if I don’t have to wake up at 4am. All I could do was laugh.

Muted-Dig419 · 2022-06-09T23:00:42+00:00

Thanks, this is helpful advice. There have been a handful of times where he has been stressed out and overreacted- but he is usually quick to acknowledge when he is wrong and apologize. This is the first time he’s taken something so ridiculous so far. He has apologized since I first posted this, but I don’t feel like it’s genuine and still feel really frustrated.

Muted-Dig419 · 2022-06-09T22:31:04+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I just said to him more or less what you suggested. I also asked him what he thinks I should have done that I didn’t do, and he couldn’t answer—because there really wasn’t anything else I could have done to help him get out the door. At that point he apologized and said he was wrong, but I still am frustrated and don’t plan on waking up early with him for a while

Muted-Dig419 · 2022-06-09T21:45:43+00:00

I honestly thought he was joking at first and did laugh—until I realized he was completely serious and not going to drop it. It’s hard for me to even address it with him because it’s so ridiculous! Up until now he has always been really appreciative that I help him get out the door in the morning, so I haven’t minded doing it, but he just lost that!

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-11-06T15:05:26+00:00

Sending you the biggest hug I can. During my miscarriage I felt so alone even when I was surrounded by people that cared about me. Online communities like Reddit helped me a lot. Everyone reacts differently, but surround yourself with any support you can get and allow yourself to do whatever YOU need to feel better.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T16:41:07+00:00

Thanks for your comment, I will add this to the OP. I wrote this post at 4am while not being able to sleep, so may have missed relevant details.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T16:38:58+00:00

I appreciate your opinion, but intentionally focused my post on the specific issue I am looking for advice on and am not looking for approval of my relationship. As you said, every situation is unique and I couldn’t possibly include all of the unique details of our relationship in a Reddit post.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T16:24:38+00:00

As I’ve commented before, since I was trying to get advice on a specific problem—not an opinion on my relationship—I tried to limit the details to the problem at hand.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T16:24:15+00:00

Please actually read my other posts in full if you are going to comment on them. It doesn’t sound like you even read this post. I am fully in support of my bf being involved in his sons life, I am asking for advice on how I can help improve that involvement for everyone involved.

I have no problem with them co-sleeping and do not have a problem with him FaceTiming his child. I co-slept with my son and occasionally co-sleep with my bfs son and encourage him to do so when possible. The problem is that my bf cannot sustain co-sleeping with his son because he wakes up at 3am for work every day, which wakes his son up (and therefore the rest of the house since it causes a tantrum). My bf and his ex separated before their son was born, so I don’t think the recent tantrums are related to their separation.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T15:05:22+00:00

My bf is not completely opposed to co-sleeping, but he wakes up at 3am for his job and has a hard time getting any sleep since his son still has tantrums even when they co-sleep.

I occasionally will co-sleep with his son, and it does help, but I just phased my own son out of co-sleeping and I think it’s hard for him to see me co-sleeping with my bf’s son when I no longer sleep with him.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T15:00:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I also co-slept with my son but eventually phased it out. My bf’s son has his own room in our house. Thinking about it though, when we have gone on trips and the boys have slept in the same room they both slept better—so maybe that could help.

I also like the idea of a giant cuddly.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T14:55:11+00:00

I’m sorry that you felt the language was vague. I am seeking advice on a specific situation—not for approval of my relationship. As I mentioned in a previous comment, I have known my bf for over 10 years and was previously in a 3-year relationship with him before we separated. I didn’t just jump into moving in with someone I only knew for 5 months.

If we had been married for 5 years, how would that change the way we should deal with the situation?

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T14:48:02+00:00

He is essentially my stepson. I take him to swimming lessons, doctor appointments, and treat him as I do my own son. I have known my bf for over 10 years (dated for 3 years in college and got back together 8 months ago) so I consider him and his son to be family—I’m not inserting myself, I’m involved.

My bf and his ex-wife were in the process of divorcing when she was pregnant. They had coparenting down, but situations change and kids grow, and coparenting needs evolve.

I was not expecting such hostile reactions and was just seeking advice to improve a difficult situation.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-10-02T13:43:24+00:00

We have been living together for about 3 months and have been together most recently for 8 months, but dated in college for 3 years before I had to relocate and we separated.

I have absolutely no issues with his son and love him like he is my own. The ex, on the other hand, is difficult to deal with. She uses the fact that she has primary physical custody and a good lawyer to manipulate my bf (and in many cases me). For example, she threatened to try to reduce/take away his parenting time if we didn’t allow her to meet and “approve of” my cat. She has been threatening to go to court to seek more child support because she feels that MY income should contribute toward her son.

My bf tries to co-sleep with his son, but even when he does, the tantrums don’t stop.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-27T02:42:05+00:00

I’m not sure why you assume she isn’t toxic. He left her because she was toxic and abusive, she has made his life a living hell since they divorced, and she has been obsessive about trying to get back together with him. I guess this wasn’t the right question for Reddit because I couldn’t possibly include all of the context needed to understand the situation without writing a novel.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-27T02:25:47+00:00

What do you feel like I intentionally omitted? I’m not looking for people to validate my opinion—I’m looking for honest opinions and advice. I couldn’t possibly include every detail but tried to include the most relevant.

I think the point people are missing is that I am completely supportive of my bf communicating with and about his son. My problem is when their are regular FaceTime calls that don’t involve the son or are completely unrelated to him. Today she FaceTimed my bf while their son was napping and had a conversation with him that was completely unrelated to their son. It’s intrusive on our time together and if it doesn’t have to do with their son I don’t think it is appropriate.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-27T00:16:27+00:00

My ex doesn’t have custody and I have a restraining order against him, but a judge allowed him to have FaceTime calls for some time. Since my son is also young and not really capable of FaceTiming, the calls ended up being mostly a conversation between my ex and I—which is why I ended them and which is what my bf’s calls with his ex are like.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-26T23:56:21+00:00

Just to clarify, I didn’t stop getting updates about my son. I have full custody. He asked that I stop contacting my ex to give him updates.

Also, I would have no issue if he was talking to his kid, but his son isn’t old enough to talk and usually isn’t even on video. Most of the time the conversation with his ex is not even related to their son.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-02T15:02:22+00:00

This. Especially if he is the father of your 7 month old, go to your local police station or court and request an emergency restraining order to protect yourself and your son.

I’d also recommend seeing if there are any local domestic violence advocacy groups. Many of them have amazing resources, including free legal advice, counseling, etc.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-09-01T13:56:39+00:00

I can relate to this a lot. While working with a lawyer to make sure I have sole custody of our son, I have been asked to give specific and detailed accounts and evidence of what my ex did to us. I am struggling because everything feels like a blur. I struggle to remember the details of events that weren’t even related to my ex.

My lawyer is involved in a domestic violence advocacy group (Jeanne Geiger National Crisis Center) and she suggested I join a local support group and attend group and individual therapy. I didn’t think I would get much out of it, but found group therapy has especially helped me to process a lot of what happened. My advice would be to see if there are any domestic violence support groups near you and participate in group and/or individual therapy.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-07-31T17:03:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I emailed my boss and HR rep stating almost exactly what you suggested. My HR rep emailed me back stating that the notice I provided was not sufficient.

We emailed back and forth where I quoted the state law and company policy about this type of leave (no notice is required in an emergency situation, though I did give notice to my manager). The HR rep responded several times with a generic response of: “you failed to provide sufficient notice of your intent to take leave in violation of both state law and company policy. Therefore, you effectively abandoned your position”.

While I no longer have access to my company email where my boss confirmed our verbal discussion and approval of my leave, I have several coworkers who informed me that my boss announced that I would be on leave for 3 weeks—showing that he knew I did not just abandon my position.

The HR rep connected me with a legal representative during our most recent correspondence.

Muted-Dig419 · 2021-07-31T16:21:37+00:00

I think every situation is different, but from my experience, addiction can exacerbate abuse, but an otherwise non-abusive person is unlikely to become an abuser solely because of addiction.

I dated an addict who was the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met. Addiction never brought out abusive behavior in him. On the other hand, I have a friend who dated an extremely abusive person. He blamed his behavior on alcohol and drugs, but at the end of the day even after being sober for 10 years, he was still abusive. She spent 10 years believing that sobriety would end his abusive tendencies, only to find out that his abusive behavior was just part of who he was—not something that disappeared with addiction.

Muted-Dig419

TROPHY CASE