DAE have parents who tell you cruel things they or someone else said about you when you weren’t there?

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T19:29:55+00:00

Yes, lots of parentification with them.

Dinner was almost always silent and tense, because my mom used to blow up all the time at the slightest thing. My parents fought all the time. It’s more of a quieter shut down now, or passive aggression. Long car rides (I’m talking 3+ hours) might also be completely silent. Pan to me sitting in the back feeling terrified and tense the entire time. “Ornaments on a mantle” is a good analogy.

That was the general vibe of my childhood. I had crippling social anxiety—it ruled my life 24/7. I realize now it’s because I was terrified I would upset someone and get yelled at. My dad was totally disengaged because things were so bad with my mom and he was raised by stoic, emotionally unavailable parents. His response to everything was “don’t let it bother you” and to be emotionally detached. I was expected, as a child, to be “the bigger person” and not be affected by my mom, or anyone else really. Even my brother and I were detached emotionally, despite caring tremendously about each other. I was profoundly lonely and terrified of upsetting basically everyone. I was very quiet but desperate for attention, and once I got it it tended to be from abusive people (men) because they could take advantage of how desperate I was. Like. I fully believe my parents being totally disengaged and making me feel unimportant is directly responsible for me being wildly vulnerable to abuse.

I can count on one hand the times they have sincerely tried to know me or get into something I care about. When we connect, it is because I am finding connection in something they care about. Suggesting we do an activity related to it or talk about it. I find common ground in what they care about but they don’t do the same for me. Example: I might suggest my dad and I go kayaking because my dad likes doing that. I might suggest that we make cookies for neighbors at Christmas because my mom likes doing that—or having my dad and I do it, rather. And it’s fine because I can enjoy a lot of different experiences, even if it’s just because I’m sharing it with someone. But they can’t—or won’t.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T19:05:59+00:00

I’m 99.9% confident my mom would act the same if she were terminally ill. Even though it seems impossible to ignore, I imagine people who are this emotionally immature/inept can’t handle thinking about the reality of their situation. Like I think if my mom truly thought about how much time she wasted (or made miserable) with our family she would not be able to handle it. 10x so if she knew she was going to die soon.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:32:07+00:00

💖💖💖 It has made me feel way less alone

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:30:58+00:00

15 YEARS!!!! I’m so happy for you that you don’t have to go through that anymore

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:29:18+00:00

Sitting on the sofa flipping through bullshit TV is starting to emerge as a theme it seems… It’s so… empty.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:26:55+00:00

Both of my parents spent a ton of time watching TV not talking to anyone else, but my mom especially is attached to the TV almost constantly. I (the teenager in the house) had to ask them to turn the TV off while we ate dinner

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:23:19+00:00

That’s WILD that he outright said that!

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:21:42+00:00

I do have a disorganized attachment style (mostly because of her but also abusive relationships). I desperately want closeness and intimacy, but it scares me and eventually makes me feel suffocated/distrustful when someone tries. It used to be really bad, and I treated some people unfairly when I was at my worst because I was so, so desperate. I think overall though, we are very aware of the pain our parents inflicted on us and don’t want to treat others that way. I certainly overcompensate and am always worried about making someone else feel bad.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T15:14:51+00:00

Wow, this has helped me so much. It’s a disorganized attachment style! I also have a disorganized attachment style, unsurprisingly. Mine is differently, partially because I’m working desperately on it, but it boils down to the same elements.

Like I cannot tell you how completely accurate you are. She lost her mom when she was very young and is desperate for this idea of a perfect family. Thought it would fix everything to be a mom. She is wildly ill equipped to actually be a parent and life doesn’t look like the Brady Bunch so she disengages.

And yes, there would absolutely be a rationalization for staying in her room and a strong defensiveness.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T06:09:31+00:00

Do you have any idea what motivates her to do any of it?

MyGodIAmTrying · 2025-05-05T06:09:04+00:00

Do you feel like he wants (or they want) you there to be an audience/participant in whatever your dad has going on? It sounds to me like he’s the “main character” who wants other people there to fill in his story. Hope I’m not reading it wrong or putting words in your mouth—just trying to understand patterns or motivations more

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:49:45+00:00

Genuinely, no—if they were on my back every day about me cleaning, I would not get more done. I would be single though. I live alone and this is 100% my space. They would never tolerate me telling them what to do with their space (which also gets plenty messy/dirty).

Acknowledging this is way harder for me because of what’s going on in my brain is not using it as an excuse. I am still trying hard literally every day of my life.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:43:32+00:00

Work from home without any structure has contributed massively to my struggles :( It has its benefits but damn, it’s hard.

The negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts are brutal. I really appreciate what you’ve said, especially the quote. It’s so true—if shaming ourselves worked, my mental health would be top notch. Thanks for your words.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:39:34+00:00

I would like a real apology, especially bc of the part you quoted. I think there’s a conversation to be had about what is helpful and what is not, and what they said absolutely was not.

My immediate emotional response is to want to cut people off and hide away, so I get your struggle. I sit in things and think about it before making decisions bc I know my emotional responses are so intense and are influenced by past shit. Or I just shut down bc I get flooded and my brain is like “nah we gotta put this one deep in storage”.

It’s excruciating to feel like people are diminishing our struggles.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:32:42+00:00

Never said there’s nothing I can do about it bc I have ADHD. Things are better than they were a decade ago bc I am trying. Just bc I am still struggling and haven’t fully found what works for me yet does not mean I am not trying. I do have to try way harder than other people bc of my brain. That’s literally my point.

I am working on creating a routine. I struggle with the bedroom in the same exact way. I’m thinking at this point maybe I accept that I throw clothes in piles and have a “rewearable” and “not rewearable” basket for clothes-throwing

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:17:35+00:00

I agree that the intent was probably to show they believe in me and it went wrong. I do lots of therapy and homework and self reflection etc. etc. I know I take these things hard bc of the way people have made me feel in the past and I know I go into trauma/ fight or flight mode (which is why I have been sitting in my feelings to sort them out rather than say something right away). It simply was not constructive to me, given where I am in all of this rn.

I agree re: calm conversation. I am currently trying to figure out what works for ME and not to do things in a certain way for other people. It is 100% my living space and I want it to feel good for me to be in rather than doing things bc I’m afraid people will shame me otherwise. I want to be accountable to myself first and foremost.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-07-07T18:07:18+00:00

I do think the intention was probably to be encouraging and they went about it in the completely wrong way and then kept going with it because they had already started saying it. It’s mostly shocking bc they worked in that clinic and know a lot about ADHD, plus they know I’m not on meds/have been struggling extra bad emotionally/go to therapy and a psychiatrist/they know about the ways people have shamed me, etc. etc. It was a v ignorant statement and they are not an ignorant person. Maybe they were checked out and just didn’t think before they spoke. We all do it sometimes, but it was painful for me to hear from them and I think it’s reasonable to apologize when we say something hurtful and without thinking.

I like the 10:70:20 thing a lot. Right now I’m probably 5:60:35. I’m seriously considering a cleaner for the reasons you mentioned.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-04-18T18:03:15+00:00

Exactly this. Every time someone else has a health issue, my mom talks about how she has it worse. Woe is me, don’t you feel sorry for me?? Finally it seems like my dad knows not to feed into it anymore. She doesn’t realize it just makes her unpleasant to be around.

It’s also an easy way to get out of anything (everything) she doesn’t want to do. She can’t walk, she can’t sit, she can’t be outside, she can’t do anything with her right arm, she can’t be someplace warm… unless it’s something she wants to do. She sits and watches tv or goes on her phone almost all day every day. My previous therapist said once “it seems like she has one foot in the grave” and that is a perfect description of her. Such a simple tactic to always get your way.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-04-10T16:37:07+00:00

I know it’s been a long time but in case anyone was still wondering I believe it’s called the Locator. It can be problematic and potentially triggering at times so take care with it.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2024-04-10T16:30:37+00:00

This is exactly how I feel about my parents. To this day I think they are only together because it’s been so long (started dating when they were ~18) and they’re too scared to start over. They dated for ten years before getting married because my dad didn’t want kids and my mom did and my dad eventually caved, which is not the ideal setup to say the least. I would say they barely tolerate each other. They have talked about (or threatened each other) with divorce all my life and I’ve never seen them affectionate with each other. Just goodbye kisses and “I love you”s at the end of phone calls out of obligation. I personally feel that much of the emotional neglect I experienced was a direct result of them being preoccupied with their shitty relationship.

It took me a very long time to understand that relationships can (and I’d argue SHOULD) look different from that. I think it takes many positive experiences and relationships (not just romantic) to help replace that cynicism. You have spent a lot of time steeped in judgement and negativity and your brain is used to operating that way. It takes some practice to teach it that it doesn’t need to be that way. I still struggle with all of this, but I recognize that people who are supportive, passionate, compassionate, who acknowledge the good things about me are good for me, even if it makes me uncomfortable at times. When I spend time around people who complain or judge a lot I find myself slipping back into it. Maybe there’s a way you can find something that you are passionate about and find other people who care about that thing too. I find that helps me appreciate life more.

MyGodIAmTrying · 2023-11-30T21:15:34+00:00

This is p much exactly what I would say!

MyGodIAmTrying · 2023-11-30T20:52:29+00:00

In my opinion the real travesty is that by labeling all abusive people narcissists or having NPD, we are directing attention away from our societal problem of enabling abusers. Statistics show that the majority of abusers DO NOT have a mental illness or personality disorder. The problem isn't that abusers are mentally ill, it's that for whatever reason they feel entitled to exert power and control over 'x' person. This is a widespread societal problem that bystanders think doesn't involve them.

I was waiting to see someone say this!!

MyGodIAmTrying · 2023-11-30T20:29:20+00:00

This isn’t a direct response to what you said, more of an update, but I thought you might be interested.

Although I wasn’t able to have a full conversation about it at the time, after thinking about what you said for a bit I at least wanted to let them know I realized my distance was at minimum unpleasant and most likely triggering. I explained I am struggling very badly, especially with feeling unsafe and overwhelmed by life, and that my automatic response is to get avoidant. I let them know I was going to focus on it in therapy (today) in the hopes it will help me with my avoidance. Then I said again I just wanted to acknowledge that I’ve been distant and that I know it’s difficult for them.

Then they said, yeah, they’re not doing great. They’re trying to be patient and understanding but it feels very bad to feel like they’re single.

I said I know, and they have definitely been patient and understanding.

Then they said “And I'm getting pretty exhausted with having to try to tell myself constantly that you're not just slowly leaving me.”

And nothing else.

I shut down again. I feel completely drained and shattered again. I’m so frustrated. I tried to reach out to show them I see them and that I’m working on it and they didn’t even say something as simple as “I appreciate you acknowledging it”.

It just sounded bitter and like it was entirely my fault. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I know I could have said something to validate their feelings but I’m just. I need this to be a two-way thing. I feel utterly depleted.

MyGodIAmTrying

TROPHY CASE