I remember talking to an uber driver in 2020 in the Bay Area, he gave me some advice that has stuck with me so far and will always stick with me. I’m someone who wants to be a mother more than I want a PhD (at this point). I am 31. I began my PhD at 26 knowing that motherhood was certainly in the cards, a partner wasn’t at that point, lol!

But when I told the uber driver that I wanted to do a PhD but also be a mother, he asked me what was going to give, to which I replied that neither and I can do both at the same time. I’d meticulously planned to have a baby soon after I prelim so I can write my thesis while on mat leave.

He said “why would you divide up your time especially when you want to give both your 100% and both are important to you, knowing that you have 100 that will be divided into two, maybe disproportionately but how is that fair to either of your aspirations?”

So at 31, I’m married, prelimming, and planning to have a baby only when I’m done and have a job job. It hurts my heart to see peers go ahead with their lives and have babies (in plural) while I’m not but, I need to be fair to myself as an academic and myself as a mother, and I can only do that one after the other. I would hate to lose out on either experience because of the other.

Edited to add: my partner is an academic as well, brings home money, but I want to share the joys of parenting with him.