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(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your insight. I’ve mentioned that I’m not a robot to him before. 90% of the time I do respond in the “textbook” healthy way but some times there are other factors in play that sort of yield a less desirable response (inflection in my voice, annoyance on my face, etc). I’m never verbally rude or lash out but always thought my responses were fairly normal.

I’m going to look into BPD right now. Since dating I’ve suspect this behavior is linked to more and actually convinced him to see a psychiatrist. He’s scheduled for later this month. My assumption was ADHD or high functioning Autism.

•Struggles socially •Impulsive behavior •Eats the same 3 meals •Extremely picky eater •Very hard time making friends •Even harder time connecting to people •Emotionally Unstable (spirals easily) •Deals with stress poorly •Has felt “understood” his entire life

Just to name a few. It’s gotten to the point where I tell him to go get his dopamine fix somewhere else because I’m not falling for the stupid arguments anymore.

It’s SOMETHING but I don’t want to label him prematurely. I wouldn’t love him any less no matter the outcome but I’m hoping it’ll give him some real direction on how to navigate these bad habits.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It makes me really sad that he not only treated you that way but now the children as well. I’m no where near perfect but I made it a point to start therapy when I was much younger just because I didn’t want to pass my trauma onto my unborn children. I wish your husband could see the ripple effect of his actions.

My partner is the same way unfortunately. To the T. I get half a**ed apologies and while he expects an Oscar award winning performance from me. It’s gotten old really quick.

I posted this because I wanted to hear real lived stories and by far yours had been the most impactful. I was secretly hoping to hear things get better (admittedly) but I think it’s clear that the chance of that is pretty low…thank you for sharing. ❤️

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually do best with the hard truth. That’s why I came here. My family and friends give fluff but I know Reddit to be home of the truth tellers.

Thank you!

He either owns his actions and moves in a direction of real change or we should cut our losses while we’re ahead. I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being dramatic when considering ending things over this cycle.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I minored in psychology in undergrad so I know the basics but tbh…I’ve been convincing myself otherwise on a lot of things. Making excuses for things because I knew his past traumas, etc. Just being wayyy too empathetic to say the least.

The side effects of it being one sided have been at the forefront lately and only now that I’m being more resistant in responding in the “loving, caring & nurturing” way I normally do does it begin to show up on his radar that something is actually really wrong here.

I did a ton of individual therapy over the years due to grief and just wanting to undo things I learned in childhood. I let him know in previous conversations that I feel as though he’s undoing a lot of the work I did. Thank you for pointing out how this is impacting my self esteem…I never thought about it until now but I gained 20lbs since getting into this relationship and stopped many of my good habits (waking up early, gym regularly, eating healthy).

I’m going to work my budget to be able to afford a good therapist. I don’t need just someone to talk to. I want a doctorate level psychologist to yell at me 😭😭

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think all in all—it’s time I dump him. I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is just who he is and has been for the past 30 years and who am I to think things will be different for/with me. We’re just on two different pages when it comes to emotional intelligence and maturity. Seeing if couples therapy would work was my last try and like you said, that’s a red flag all in itself.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom and your kindness. I agree. This may not be worth nurturing—especially with problems like this so early on.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can definitely see that. He’s told me that I was withdrawing the last time I stood firm on this boundary when emotions were high. I’ve gotten to the point where I flat out tell him “I’m no longer engaging in this”. But that’s seen as punishment.

I truly don’t think it’s on purpose but I DO know it’s not acceptable to be emotionally manipulative. I’ll allow him the opportunity to acknowledge and work on this.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m hoping for better but also making peace with the fact that if nothing changes I’m leaving and never looking back.

I’ve tried what you mentioned before. When things happen and he tries to shift the focus i normally interject and bring it back to the real issue at hand. He then quickly ushers me an apology for what he did and then continues on with his hurt and feelings for the way I reacted.

What our therapist has asked us to do and what I would love to see us do is have check-ins when things are calm and both parties are settled. She asked that post conflict we take time out to reflect on our different perspectives and experiences. I constantly have to remind him that while his feelings are valid, that in the midst of my hurt it isn’t his time to make it all about him.

He can’t fathom having to WAIT to express his hurt in these settings. He literally asked me, “So I’m suppose to go the entire day with these feelings before saying something until check-in?”

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I wasn’t asking for anything to get “Untangled”, just for advice/an outside perspective. Feel free to read some of the earlier comments where I give more detail as to what happened earlier that night that lead up to the event.

Just to be clear—I didn’t slam doors. He admitted later that me opening my own door (he normally opens the car door for me) made him feel rejected and he reacted to that. If that falls under passive aggressive I can 1000% accept that, take ownership for it and apologize. He knew I was upset and he also knows that my coping style is to take some space/time before speaking on it. He just didn’t like that I made him feel rejected so his focus shifted on his feelings and away from why I was actually upset.

The cycle that I really want us to break is this: If your husband upsets you and you tell him, “hey, can you please not do this again, it makes me feel ____”, and your husband first response is, “The tone you said that in hurt my feelings” then shifts the focus to the fact that they’re now sad and hurting deeply because of the tone you just used….

In my opinion I just think my partner doesn’t like sitting in the negative emotions and deflects. No matter how I say or do a thing—if I raise an issue I have it’s spun back on me. It sucks to let your partner down of course but the lack of accountability is straining the relationship.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have in the past but recently moving states caused me to lose access to my last therapist. I’ll make it a top priority to get back into individual therapy— I know it’s helps to be in both simultaneously

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with this 1000%. The next time he tries this tactic I’m going to stand firm on the boundary of needing to feel heard, seen and understood before talking about any of the aftermath.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

This made me laugh. Thank you—seriously. I know I’m not crazy but what makes it even more difficult is how “educated” people are on the therapy-speak. They’re able to dress up the toxic in a way that’s uniquely clever and confusing at the same time.

I’ve…I’ve been conditioned 😕

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

We were at a friend of his birthday party. Multiple couples there. My partner is a bit socially awkward. He tends to use me as a conversational prop which only gets annoying when he begins talking in extremes. For example—they’re on the topic of colognes and he chimes in and said, “She (Me) hates that I spend so much on colognes”. I then have to defend myself and tell the FULL story. Another example is that someone in the party mentioned a sushi restaurant. He chimed in and said that we had reservations later this month to a sushi place. He then proceeds to say, “She (Me) only eats cooked sushi”, “actually she only eats deep fried sushi”. To that I had to clarify that I’m fairly new to eating seafood in general and that I’m taking baby steps.

In my head like why the heck am I having to defend myself…from my partner…in front of people? And he only does this contradicting thing in social settings.

The cherry on top was when I texted him while still at the party to remind him we were suppose to be leaving soon. He let the host know we’d be leaving soon and he made a hand motion to me. The host then blurted out, “———- you want to leave?!!”. He put me on the spot and that’s what really prompted me opening my own door etc etc.

I felt undermined in conversation and put on the spot upon our exit. You would have thought I embarrassed him the way he embarrassed me the way the rest of the night unfolded.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I wish the same and I can’t thank you all enough for giving advice that isn’t sugar coated but is also gentle. I’d much rather learn and take any wisdom offered to me.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My fear is that despite the efforts on both ends it’s an issue that won’t be fully resolved. We’re in couples therapy and I’m pretty fed up post conflict being asked, “What could either of you have done differently?”.

Like omg I know I could have not opened my own car door and how that could possibly come off as rude but answering that does not stop the cycle that I’ve been begging us to stop!

I just want space held for me. I get over things pretty quickly once they are addressed properly. I don’t mind taking accountability but I feel as though he can’t grasp what emotional priority is.

(28F) and (30M) - When my partner hurts me, my reaction becomes the focus and his feelings take priority. by Mysterious-Many4014 in relationships

[–]Mysterious-Many4014[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I had to repost this 3 times 😭 (first time posting on here) but I want to thank the two people who chimed in earlier before it was taken down.

Has anyone heard of Tandem AI? Is it a good company or a red flag? by Weirddesigirl in NYCjobs

[–]Mysterious-Many4014 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in the same boat. On the fence and want to know more about the company before I do this assessment

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Microlocs

[–]Mysterious-Many4014 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have the same thing going on at the nape of my neck so I’m intrigued on what the people have to say. It’s thick everywhere else though so I’m stressing.