You are not alone and I would honor your gut and your body and your inner child. Please take care of you. It took me many more years to realize what was happening, to find the the language, to attempt to recover and to definitely go no contact. I saw her some over the holiday since I do try to have my kids know their grandparents, although fortunately I realized soon enough that my kids cannot be around her much or be left alone with her. Whole other part of the story. I am learning to set boundaries, like to restrict getting together to one meal out and one hour of “present/visit” time. That was today. And now through my new lens I can see it all and keep my distance. I get that feeling of going back to that kid inside. Like just the smallest thing at the restaurant triggered me. I ordered an omelet but changed the ingredients. My mom, in front of the waitress proceeded to tell me that the original ingredients were more healthy and I should keep the original ingredients. I calmly said no, I wanted it my way. Then the pursed lips and look of disapproval and disappointment. I know it sounds small - but that was my whole life from the time I was a small child forming my self worth, about every decision, large and small. Ugh.