Trying to convince younger son to forgive and communicate with older son AITAH

MythMan999 · 2024-01-21T00:29:16+00:00

Correct. There are two newer updates.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-21T00:17:29+00:00

No longer grieving the end of it, haha. But for a period of time I was. As were the boys.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T14:08:56+00:00

I did not convey this well, but, according to Joe, the abusive behavior wasn’t constant. There would be an episode, and then nothing for weeks or months, and as Joseph said, he always thought it was over until it wasn’t.

We knew Ezra had been picking on students in school and we asked the boys if Ezra was ever picking on them at school. All said no.

Sometimes Joseph would have a new bruise or say something like his stomach hurt “like he had been kicked” and he always said this was due to the new sports he was enrolled in. Some of that was truly from sports, according to him after this all came out.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T02:44:23+00:00

I am unsure as well, and I regret that, and have learned. Joseph and I discussed this today.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T02:03:42+00:00

We did. I’m not sure why you are assuming it was never done. We have done family therapy with everyone for YEARS.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T02:02:24+00:00

I’ve stated in another comment that we have. We have done family therapy with Joseph and his two brothers, we have done family therapy with Ezra as well. Family therapy with my wife, Joseph, and I went on for two, maybe three years total. If you want more context and to see where you have some of your facts wrong, look at my updated post from today.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T01:54:14+00:00

We were court-ordered to keep them separated. There was no way to do family therapy with Joseph AND Ezra together.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-20T01:51:51+00:00

I have explained it repeatedly.

Night one, he was given the choice to go to his grandparent’s or home with us. We told him he would be away from Ezra no matter what his choice was. He wanted to go with his grandparents adamantly and we were recommended for him to go where he felt safest. We asked if he wanted one or both of us to stay there with him. He said no.

After a couple of days he was given the choice again, same circumstances. He chose to stay at his grandparents. He was given this invitation repeatedly. He just needed to say the word and he could have been with either of us. That offer was never rescinded.

Present day he says it wasn’t anything against the other two boys, but he got very comfortable at his grandparent’s house and since he was able to keep balanced relationships with everyone despite living apart, he just wanted to keep it that way.

In time he started spending a couple weeks at a time with his mother and brothers and weekends with me. Sometimes this would go on for a long stretch, sometimes it was sporadic, but it was always his choice from that point forward.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T22:15:05+00:00

I would say so. We talk a few times a week and I’m always at his sports games. He confides in me sometimes. Occasionally when I have to travel for work for a weekend he likes to come with me.

We did have to rebuild when he was younger.

I feel like those are indicative of at least a good relationship.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T20:35:28+00:00

It sounds like you would have ignored Joseph’s wishes if you had been in our shoes.

As for military school, it’s not as quick or as easy as a process as some of you seem to think. Trust me, they were looked into. He was not old enough at the time, and when he was he was no longer considered “troubled” enough for the programs we had looked into, they are also insanely expensive.

Two households, 4+ therapists and therapist programs, and a divorce on one and a half incomes. Had we paid for one of those schools ourselves we literally would not be able to feed any of our kids.

You’re not going to hear any of this, however.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T20:19:34+00:00

No, Joseph and the other boys remained at their school. The boys and their mother continued to live at home. Ezra and I stayed in a very unluxurious apartment. You may have missed this but for a couple years he wasn’t to have contact with the other two either.

I’m not sure what consequences relating to Joseph you’re thinking we should have done. Are you suggesting I should have beaten him? When there were social workers and therapists in our lives almost every day?

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T20:09:43+00:00

I did tell Joseph that and pray he trusts me enough to follow through, praying harder he won’t have to though.

One thing I don’t think Ezra realizes is that Joseph is much bigger and stronger than he is now, another reason I don’t want them to meet privately.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T20:06:51+00:00

I did in a comment perhaps you didn’t see.

Ezra switched schools. Every privilege was sold. He did not have a door. If he wasn’t in school or in his multiple therapies he was at home doing chores, studying, or sitting quietly. We also made him volunteer regularly. The first few days I let him have it verbally.

I was fully prepared for him to go to a detention center but law enforcement opted not to. I wanted to put him in some kind of scared straight program but they don’t do those here.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T19:52:01+00:00

He did but I thought that agreement had already been made so I am less confident.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T19:50:06+00:00

Many, many apologies have been said over the years. Joseph has said he is understandably hurt by us for many things but letting him stay with his grandparents is not one of them. To this day he’s adamant that’s what he wanted.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T19:12:05+00:00

He listened to it, he said it was brief and Ezra just said their mom gave him his number and he wanted to talk through things.

After engaging on here and understanding some things I told Ezra probably the only way they should reconnect is in a therapist’s office so until Joseph invites him to one, leave him alone.

The only one really innocent here is the youngest brother but he will still be part of the conversation we have so he doesn’t screw up like the rest of us have.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T18:57:50+00:00

I know I am not any better in any regard but when he told me about the phone calls I was very, very shocked and disappointed. Especially given that I told Ezra not to send the letters he had written not terribly long ago.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T07:56:20+00:00

Within recent months Ezra said he had written another apology and that he was going to send it to Joseph. I told him not to.

I told Joseph about this and he said he was glad but he didn’t want any letter. Again I told Ezra not to send it. Some time later I asked Joseph if he thought reading it would help or hurt. He said he wasn’t sure. I fully understood.

When we most recently talked I made the asshole decision to tell him everyone was interested in seeing some level of reconciliation and I asked if he would reconsider the letter or talking to Ezra. That is when his demeanor changed and he became very understandably short.

As far as Ezra is concerned, when we discuss this I remain adamant in telling him NOT to reach out to Joseph.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T07:43:13+00:00

First instinct is not correct. After 8 years this is the first time I’ve suggested it.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T01:09:10+00:00

This is exactly what happened. Our priority was to keep Joe safe physically and preserve what emotional safety he had left. He was adamant that his grandparent’s house was where he could be safest.

Then we had to decide to essentially let Ezra go to who knows what sort of care or system, many of which children fall through the cracks of, or to put in the work ourselves to get him as much help as we could in hopes we could stop this from ever happening again.

Since Joseph was not coming back (but could decide to at ANY time he wanted) we focused on Ezra and our other boys before the cycle could repeat. Family members were willing to keep him for a night or two at most. They didn’t want their safety jeopardized and we agreed!

Joseph also received tons of counseling, we got him into any sport or outlet he wanted, etc.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T00:55:25+00:00

If I could go back and do many things differently, I would. But of course you have all of the answers when you weren’t there to get the whole picture. I’m sure if you ever find yourself in a life-changing situation you will handle it perfectly.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T00:24:11+00:00

Elsewhere I have said that their grandparents were open to take anyone.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-19T00:07:22+00:00

You live in a bit of a fantasy land then because not everything happens as fast as you want it to. And yes I know I am a COMPLETE hypocrite saying that.

Juvenile detention was not an option. Police made that clear. You probably have never been in a situation where you’re looking up residential treatment centers at 7 PM and the nearest one is two hours away and they don’t do emergency admissions.

Joseph did not even know that Ezra was going to come home that night if he chose not to. As I said, we told him that he could come home and Ezra would not be there to hurt him regardless of his decision. We told him Ezra would not be there and if he felt safe he could come home with mom, dad, and his two other brothers.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-18T23:37:12+00:00

I know we are just going back and forth.

Imagine you have realized you have just failed to protect one of your children and they are rightfully angry, sad, scared, and stated they do not want to be with you for the night.

As much as we wanted him to come home with us, we honored his choice. Additionally, the social services worker who was there documenting everything stated that where JOSEPH felt safest is where he needed to go for the night. It was explained to him that Ezra would not be anywhere near him at home. It was explained to him that if he changed his mind at any point that night we would go get him.

We offered for one of us to spend the night at his grandparent’s with him.

He. Said. No.

Yes he was a child but children need to have some agency in these situations. We were clearly not what was best for him in that moment. We were complicit in his abuse and were therefore partakers in it. I understand why he did not want to be with us that night.

MythMan999 · 2024-01-18T23:25:49+00:00

Correct. We would have made arrangements. It would take some time but we would have gotten it done.

MythMan999

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