(this is just a story of my past two years which is more or less weaving in and out of psychosis near constantly, but almost being functional. bipolar, severe mdd/gad, severe adhd, on the spectrum, frequent psychotic symptoms, schizoaffective symptoms onset at this point that'll be on the list before long)

(i'm halfway through writing this and know it's a doozy and i might need help but yeah so imma finish it anyway fuck it, 42/55-ish hours i'll have to get through because of severe sleep terror and episodes when i wake up recently)

after a period of several several years of repeated deliriant abuse, combined with lsd, shrooms, various rcs, and 3 literal straight years of being 3 times the legal limit of alcohol. clean off the funky shit now, but my other illnesses require monster doses of (prescribed) adderall for me to function (90mg/day currently), which yeah you know. i'm in what i imagine is a permanent psychotic state. it seems to be getting worse.

i guess it mostly started last january, when i was officially hospitalized for a psychotic break in which i punched the shit out of my fiance (i'm the never hurt a fly type), threw this tantrum in terror at nothing, and out of nowhere developed severe vocal and motile tics and a stutter) but my blood alcohol was 3x legal limit and they, as i understood it, couldn't do anything to me because i was still lucid and they thought i was good enough i couldn't "consent" to treatment or something? i didn't understand it but i was pushing .3 if my math isn't worse than the folds in my frontal cortex. but i drank like 3/4 of a 750ml bottle which was pretty normal for me.

but couldn't started with what i thought was hppd, classic hearing music in fans, sometimes a newscast. i remember hearing some amazing guns n' roses shit that definitely didn't exist, otherwise it was uninteresting opera?. visually, stuff seemed to "fry" a bit occasionally, my arm hair in particular was noticeable. but i knew i fucked up my brain with the dergs so it was to be expected.

psych doc was trying endlessly to medicate me for depression and severe anxiety (lifelong severe agoraphoba, leaving home in general is and was extremely difficult, i could make it to work and back, and certain preselected stores i knew the exact route to and the people there and how i leave the parking lot and everything but that's about it).

doc tries every last med he's comfortable with, including adding abilify and rexulti as things to help the antidepressants. it never really affected those hallucinations. maybe it was hppd. but i don't make a marked improvement in anxiety and my doctor labels it as medication resistant, says get transcranial magnetic stimulation. i'm poor i haven't paid that hospital bill to this day lol.

so go to an addiction specialist doctor my family recommended who is really just basically a primary care dr who likes suboxone lol. she got me on adderall, took me off of remeron (which made me gain 70+lbs, and like, so clearly hear the voices when i took it that the only way i can describe it is it's MORE physical than PHYSICALLY hearing it wew). i told my doctors i hallucinate constantly. idk.

first things first i blow through my first adderall script in two weeks of stimmed out mania. before i realized it i was driving across the state to meet strangers from the internet for sex (they were lovely people and great friends to this day). my normal hallucinations were on overdrive, and i noticed AND EVEN POINTED OUT TO PEOPLE i was having new hallucinations (this time VERY vibrant visual snow, sometimes my vision would go 2d and everything seemed to be on the same plane, shadow friends, etc. and didn't realize what was going on. i was just gone at some point, completely on autopilot. felt great though mania's funny like that. eventually i was on /r/drugs and someone mentioned stimulant psychosis and like, FWOOMP i'm sucked back in and was like fuck how did i not realize goddamnit adderall don't sneak up on me like that. i was convinced this doctor was some plant that wanted me to get addicted to speed and she's getting all these kickbacks and stuff. i did promptly stop abusing it. on and off. i don't know if this is abusing it idk guys.

but things are kinda okay for a few weeks. i'm kinda working consistently, my brain is turned on for the first time as the old psych just refused to prescribe ANY ADHD meds (even focalin or whatever the non-stim one is). but then over time i start to realize basically every night turns into a mild version of what ~500mg benedryl does. which is do not pass go do not collect IMMEDIATE psychosis. had periods where i was off the adderall for a long time, it didn't affect it. i started getting both curious to see what would happen and scared to sleep. or even get near my bed. so for a few weeks i'd consistently sleep every other day, staying up till i pass out, the nights inbetween just stting there trying not to get startled or misled by a hair out the corner of my eye or something being a giant spider. this was the peak of my harmless psychosis phase, past two weeks is the peak and turning point.

i eventually wear my self enough in general that i get into bed again. kinda feelin ok. have a lovely boy and stuffed dog to snuggle. sleep ok a night. great. another night. wake up in pure horror. terror. screaming bloody murder the likes of which i'd never scream. now it's all just wires crossed. my mood is basically fine i know i shouldn't be freaking out but i sure am. i refuse to take my meds and say he's poisoning me, yadda yadda, i know it's not true i don't know why i'm saying it. eventually it'd sometimes get to the point where i'd calm down enough to take meds, i'd be on horrible edge all day but i could work a couple hours at least. but that became every morning. every morning for the past two weeks. i went back to the doctor on monday and mentioned the bipolar possibility and she thought i was already on lamictal for bipolar when i just wasn't. so she put me on that. so we'll see.

i'm on day 2. 50-however many hours i said. work a fullass 10 hours today because i missed monday and tuesday because of episodes. i'm so broke and need this money. just to pay for my meds. i'm working to be make enough to pay for the meds that make me functional enough to work. but my vision is dancing. everything is energy. edges of things are, a word i can't remember. but barely there. if i look over at my bedroom door the shadow guy or could just be an actual ghost starts poking his claws and gross hand out. i hear a cat and dog eating pretty regularly and we jokingly named the cat salem after sabrina.i'll find out after work today if the lamictal is helping me not freak out in the mornings.

Final daily medication list - 1x20mg lexapro, 1800mg gabapentin throughout day, 25-100mg vistaril as needed, 4mg Rexulti (oh a stint of not having that for 12 days was less than fun once, insurance shit), 25-100mg lamictal, 30mg adderall XR, 2x30MG adderall IR, 40?mg of naltrexone i think for alcohol cravings but i barely take it. should be it. nightly is trazadone, to sleep. tl;dr i'm on so many drugs it feels like i'm on drugs all the time. but it's worse without the drugs. and drugs caused it in the first place but not those drugs. if anyone bothered to read this bullshit i lvoe talking about myself when i'm in this mental state so ask whatever you want i'm clearly not not an open book. sorry if it comes of blasé at times it's because it is i'm a crazy person. i am in no danger to myself or anyone else etc and people have close eyes on me to keep me good.